


Stay, please?

by syriala



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Destiel - Freeform, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, POV Alternating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-04
Updated: 2013-11-07
Packaged: 2017-12-07 10:53:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 32
Words: 58,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/747706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/syriala/pseuds/syriala
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to Come back again. Cas is gone and Dean tries to cope, while Sam feels helpless as he sees his brother mourn. But is Cas this time really dead? Changing PoVs, eventually Destiel</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part I

It has been three months since Sam had found Dean next to Cas‘ corpse. He had only seen the wing on his shoulder once. 

Now Dean always made sure to cover it up. And he refused to talk about it. Everything was about the next hunt and drinking. 

Sam had tried to talk to his brother about Cas, but of course he just shut down, made a witty remark about feelings and stupid talks and then left to get more booze. 

Sam had nearly gotten used to this but he also missed Cas, after all he had been family, and he had no one to talk to. 

It has been two months since Arathiel had arrived. Obviously someone in heaven wanted an angel with the Winchesters and had just sent some new one. 

Sam knew that Dean had hoped that Cas would come back, just like he always did, because when did one of them die and stay dead, but with Arathiel’s arrival even that hope was crushed. Dean had spent two days totally drunk, and then nearly two days with the nastiest hangover Sam had ever seen. 

Arathiel reminded Sam of Cas in the beginning. He was all warrior and orders and stiff. 

Dean couldn’t even look at him. He never acknowledged the presence of the angel so all the talking was left to Sam. 

Which didn’t go well, because Arathiel wasn’t one to talk. He nodded and shrugged and on good days he grumbled something but the only sentence Sam ever heard the angel say had been: “I’m Arathiel and I’m Castiels replacement.” 

He never made suggestions to a case, never talked about demons and never mentioned heaven. The only thing Arathiel occasionally does is heal wounds. Even if it is just a cut or a bruise he heals it. 

At least with Sam. 

Dean never lets the angel touch him. 

Sam and Dean had a little talk about that earlier that week when a vampire had broken Dean’s arm and a few ribs and he still refused the angel’s help. 

Arathiel just disappeared after Dean threw a bottle at him and Sam rushed to his side. 

“Dean”, he began. “Just let him heal you. He just wants to help and you could need that.” Dean violently shook his head. 

“He will not lay a finger on me”, he hissed and clutched his hand to his shoulder. 

Sam eyed him wearily and then it dawned on him. Cas’ wing on his shoulder was a burn mark, an injury. If he let Arathiel heal the other wounds there was the possibility of that healing too. 

Sam sighed and pushed his brother down on a chair. If Dean was not letting him get healed by angel mojo then he had to do something about the wounds. 

While he bandaged Dean’s wrist he was aware of the look his brother gave him. 

“What?” 

“No argument? No ‘Come on, you have to let him heal you, blah blah blah’?” 

Sam shrugged. “Guess not.” Dean’s eyes narrowed. 

“Look”, Sam finally said. “I get it. Cas meant a lot to you and the wing is all that is left.” Dean had closed his eyes at the mention of Cas name. “Arathiel would probably heal that, too, and you don’t want that. I get it.” 

Dean let go of the breath he was holding. He had feared that this would end in a feeling talk and he was so not ready for that. Probably never would. 

“Thank you, Sammy.” 

His brother just shrugged and finished his work. “No problem.”


	2. Part II

Part II

“Ok, here’s a case”, Sam said as he finally was done checking all the news sides. 

Dean looked up. “Yeah?” he sounded way too eager and he finished polishing his gun with way too much enthusiasm. Sam knew that his rips still hurt and he was still favoring his left hand. 

“Four people died. One was stomped to death by a horse, three died of a viscous dog attack.” Dean frowned. “How’s that our kind of thing?” Sam tipped on his laptop. 

“According to the news all of these deaths happened at night, the person was always alone and traveling, it’s in the middle of a swampy field and on top of that it’s a crossroad.” 

“That’s totally worth a trip.” 

Dean was already gathering the few things that were scattered all over the motel room. Sam sighed. 

He really missed the bunker. 

It had already started to feel like home there and Dean had seemed happier. He even had cooked for Sam. But since Cas was gone they had one hunt after another and Sam didn’t dare to mention the bunker. 

He had seen the chair that stood in Dean’s room and he wasn’t stupid. He knew that it was there for Cas. And now the angel was gone and Dean chased around the whole country killing things. He didn’t want to face a home without Cas there. 

And Sam understood that. 

When Dean had trickster-died he didn’t rest either. He totally lost it. The second time Dean died, fist time he really died, it was somehow easier after some time because he had Ruby. And when Dean and Cas had vanished? He supposed that they were together, wherever that was, so it couldn’t be all that bad. And it seemed indeed like purgatory hadn’t been that bad for Dean like hell had been. Probably because of Cas. 

So, yeah, Sam had expected his brother to lose it after Cas’ death but it had gone on too long. 

It was nearly half a year now and Dean was still a reckless and constantly drunk as on the first day. Sam hoped that after this case they maybe could drop by the bunker. 

“You coming or what?” Dean’s head peeked into the room and Sam noticed that everything was packed and the Impala was already purring. 

“Shouldn’t we tell Arathiel or something?”, he asked as he got up. 

Dean’s face got hard. “Just get your stupid laptop and then let’s hit the road.” 

When Sam finally slipped in his seat Dean was tapping impatiently at the wheel. 

“I would appreciate it if you hurried a bit more. People could be dying.” 

‘Or you could be alone long enough to actually start dealing with your feelings’ Sam thought but he didn’t say anything.


	3. Part III

“So what are we dealing with?”, Dean asked as he impatiently walked up and down in their motel room. 

He needed to hunt again. This whole sitting and investigating thing had gone on long enough. He needed to know what they’re up against so that he could start preparing. 

He brings his beer bottle up to his mouth only to realize that it is empty. Again. He curses under his breath and walks over to the little refrigerator. ‘Fucking brilliant’, he thinks as he opens it and all he can see is Sam’s salad. 

Fricking moose. No one can live off of that. 

When he threw the door close he hears wings rustling. His heart makes a little jump only to fall three stories down when he reminds himself that Cas is gone. 

And dammit, doesn’t that thought still hurt like hell. 

He quickly closes his eyes and draws a deep breath before turning around. He cannot look at Arathiel, not really. Sure, he doesn’t resemble Castiel because he is huge, almost as tall as Sam, and broad and bully and brooding but something reminds him of Cas, whenever he does look at him. 

Maybe it’s the suit. Or the fact that he is all facts and orders and no emotions. Just like Cas in the beginning. 

Dean turns away from Arathiel without greeting him and puts his attention to Sam. “Well?” He walks over to the little table and sits down. He wished he had some booze. 

“Okay, get this”, Sam finally says. “It could be a Gytrash.” 

“A what?” 

“A version of the black dog”, Arathiel says. Sam turns his head surprised that he finally gives some useful information but Dean kept his eyes glued on the back of Sam’s laptop as if he could will all the information in there just to come out and Arathiel to go away. 

“Right. Apparently this version can appear as a big black dog with fiery coal eyes, as a horse or a donkey. It says here that they either help lost travelers or lure them the wrong way to kill them. Usually associated with crossroads and splashing noises.” 

“Which would just fit our case”, Dean says enthusiastically. “Great. How do we kill them?” 

Sam shocks his head. “No mention about that anywhere.” 

“What, no one ever tried to kill one?” Sam shrugged. “Maybe they thought the saved people where enough reason not to kill one.” 

“Yeah, well, this one must have missed out on the whole people saving note. So how do we take the fucker down?” 

“I don’t know, Dean.” 

“The demon knife in your possession should suffice to kill this black dog.” Sam turned to Arathiel. “Did you just wait for a case where we don’t know what to do to come forth with your knowledge or what is this?” 

Dean looked out of the window. The way Arathiel spoke, that formally, not too emotional way, reminded him way too much of Cas. So much it actually hurt. He closed his eyes and tried to push that feeling down. 

He would not deal with that. No way. Cas might be really dead this time but that was all the more reason not to poke at these feelings. No use in that after all. 

Since there was no more talk he assumed that Arathiel had just shrugged his shoulders. Sam’s unnerved sigh served him right. He turned his gaze back to his brother. 

“Ok. So we just get lost on that road, wait for it and then kill it.” 

Sam frowned. “It only attacks lonely traveler. So only one of us can go.” 

Dean got up. “Great. All the more fun for me, then.” 

Sam wanted to argue, probably because of this still not fully healed ribs or wrist or whatever but Dean just turned his back on him. He would do that. He needed the hunt. It had took them way too long to finally found a new case and he itched to kill something. And if he didn’t have to worry about Sam in this whole thing, all the better. 

He could totally do that alone.


	4. Part IV

They prepared everything for the hunt and then decided to grab a few hours of sleep. 

Arathiel had disappeared somewhere in between those decisions. 

Dean did not want to go to bed and always tried very hard to stay awake because his dreams were not a place he liked to go but he knew that Sammy was worried about him so he laid down when Sam did and pretended to sleep. 

But he couldn’t sleep and get some rest out of it. Not really. 

He had told Sam that he had nightmares because Sam had already noticed but he only had two. 

One where Cas was still alive and one about Cas dying again and again. 

When Dean dreamed about Cas dying he always woke up empty and too sad to put in words but the one where Cas was still alive was the nasty one.   
Because Dean would wake up way too early and he would feel good and happy for a very short time until he fully woke and then everything crashed back on him. 

After those dreams he always had to get up and check the mark on his shoulder. When he went back to bed after that he always clutched to his shoulder like his life depended on it. 

Of course he had thought about Arathiel healing him and the burn but then he would have no reminder of Cas’ death. 

Nothing to convince him that he really died, especially after those nights. 

And Dean was just tired. Tired of still having hope for something that would never happen. And the mark was everything that was left of Cas. 

He had kept the trenchcoat when Cas had dissolved into the lake and now he would keep this. 

Slowly Dean slipped into sleep and tonight it was a Cas-is-alive-dream. It was full of color and Cas and contentment and when Dean woke up he squeezed his eyes shut, trying to slip back into it. 

When it didn’t work he got up and into the bathroom. He slowly pushed up his sleeve. It was still there. 

He had stared so often at it that he could draw it. He knew every line of it. 

And he hated it as much as he needed it (and loved it because it was part of Cas but he would never admit to that. At least not in daylight.). 

He rubbed his face and decided that now was as good as ever to go on a hunt. He took a long look at Sam and decided to let him sleep. 

There could only be one person on the road and Sam looked worn out. Dean carefully grabbed the bag an emerged out of the door.


	5. Chapter 5

Part V

Dean left the Impala behind because he figured if he drove down that road he wouldn’t seem lost enough. His phone was still silent so Sam had to be still asleep. Dean got the demon knife and his purgatory weapon and started to walk down the road. 

After twenty minutes he started to believe that the dog wouldn’t come for him. After forty minutes he was pissed off and frozen to the bone. After fifty minutes he was ready to give up but couldn’t quite bring himself to leave. 

After an hour he heard a splashing noise. He slowed his pace and heard how it came nearer. Dean got the demon knife out of his jacket. He reached the crossroad again and turned around himself. 

There it was. Big and black and a dog and it had red eyes. It reminded him of a crossroads demon. 

“Dean Winchester.” And it talked. Great. 

“And I know who you are.” It had a very deep, gravel voice and Dean had no intention of letting it talk anymore. It was unnatural enough. 

He eyed the dog warily. He was big and had some nasty claws but Dean was sure he could take it. 

“Always so full of himself.” 

“Says the dog that waited an hour before it’s big entrance.” 

“Dean”, it said in a dismissive voice. “I wait for the lost, remember?” 

Dean gripped the knife tighter. “Well, sorry to disappoint but I’m not lost.” 

The dog laughed. “You are as lost as one can get.” 

Dean narrowed his eyes. “Not true. I’m here to kill you and there you are.” The dog laughed again and it gave Dean goose bumps all over. 

“You are really so full of yourself. The Winchester who visited both hell and purgatory and came back alive. But you’re forgetting one tiny little detail.” 

“And what would that be?” Dean would have preferred to kill it instead of letting it talk but the hound had started encircling him and it put Dean in a somewhat defensive position. 

“Castiel.” 

Dean stopped dead. He gripped the knife so tight his knuckles cracked. 

“You know nothing about Castiel,” he spit out. 

The hound chuckled. “I know enough.” 

Dean got his purgatory weapon out. He would slash this hound. He would rip it apart and he would enjoy it. 

“You would never have come this far without the angel. You would still be in hell. But the little angel came and guided you out. And he guided you ever since.” The hound made another round around Dean. 

“And look at you now. The mighty and feared Dean Winchester. Lost without his angel. Without guidance.” 

“I don’t need guidance.” 

“Of course not,” the voice dripped with sarcasm. “And how is life going so far for you, he?” 

“I…” Dean started and then cursed himself. He was not going to have a conversation with a human-killing over-sized dog. 

“There is one hunt after another. And another. But where’s the purpose? Where is the greater goal?” 

Dean swallowed. He tried very hard not to let the words get to him but it was difficult. Because this stupid monster was right. There had always been some bigger plan. Some evil boss to take out. 

There had been Azazel and Lucifer and the Leviathans but now there was just nothing. He hunted down every monster he could find but that was it. 

There wasn’t even a place to go back to because the bunker was so not a home anymore. Not without the possibility of showing it to Cas. 

Since Cas had died he just felt “Lost”, the monster ended his sentence. Dean threw it a glance. 

“I know what people think. How did you think I lured them off the road? I just use the right words.” 

And didn’t that just work perfectly, Dean thought. 

“So, Dean Winchester”, the hound said as it came closer to him, “what’s it going to be? Life without the one thing that grounded you or death to join him in heaven?” 

The hound was so close that his disgusting breath felt too warm on his face. Dean felt his hand itch as if it was going to drive the knife into the hound without even a conscious thought of Dean himself. 

But he was so tired of it all. So much that he was finally able to admit to himself that the monster in front of him was right. 

He lost his purpose. He had wanted to build a home; to retire and settle down but what use were his wishes now. 

Everything fell apart. Not only Cas, though he was the blow that finally finished him, but Bobby, Ellen, Jo, his family. Everyone that ever meant something to him. 

And this was his perfect way out, wasn’t it? 

No one here to say that he surrendered. The tale of the Dean Winchester would finally find an end. 

And maybe, just maybe, Cas was out there. They both did enough good things to go to heaven. And if Dean got his own little personal place in heaven, Cas would surely be there. 

Dean draw a deep breath. Then he met the eyes of the black dog. 

It smiled and Dean could see all the sharp, long teeth. Didn’t matter now. The hound lifted his head and opened its mouth and it came down on Dean.

And then his phone rang.


	6. Part VI

Sam's alarm clock went off. Sam was awake immediately and out of bed five seconds later. "Dean get up, time to hunt some dog", he said as he put his shirt and jeans back on.

Dean didn't make a sound so Sam switched the light on. Only to find an empty bed.

"Son of a bitch," he cursed under his breath. He hurried to the window only to find that the Impala was gone, too.

Sam fished his phone out of his pockets. He hit speed dial and got through but Dean didn't pick up. Voice mail was all he got.

"You better still be in the Impala because if you fight that dog alone I will kill you. Come back now." He threw the phone on the bed and got his shoes.

Only to find Arathiel standing at the door. "Where is he?" Arathiel tilted his head. "With the black dog."

"At the crossroad?" Arathiel nodded. Sam cursed some more and bowed down to tie his shoes. "Can you zap me there?" No answer. He looked up but Arathiel was gone.

"You asshole. Come back and take me to Dean", he yelled. Nothing happened. He could not believe that. What was this angel good for if he never helped? Sam stormed out of the room and into the parking lot.

He picked a car that hadn't been moved since the day before and simply smashed the window. No time to lose. He short circuited it and was on the road two minutes later.

He dialed Dean's phone again only to directly reach voice mail. "Shit," he hit the wheel.

Sam hoped that the hound had not killed his brother. Actually he had wanted to talk Dean out of going alone during the drive and if necessary he could've still knocked him out but now it was too late.

And Sam was not sure that Dean was in the condition to take this fight alone. There was still the issue with the broken bones but Sam had also the feeling that his brother was… he wasn't sure how to put this but Dean seemed just done. With everything.

And that scared Sam. He needed his brother but Dean just didn't seem to care anymore.

He always threw himself recklessly into a fight lately and he never cared for the right treatment. In the last five months Dean had gotten more scares than before in two years. And if he kept that drinking habit his liver would shortly give up, too.

Sam could not lose his brother. Not again.

When Dean had been in purgatory he had started his own life, that's true, but it never felt right. Not with Dean not there to laugh at him for buying that house or keeping that dog. Or yelling at him for letting dog drive in the Impala.

It just… wasn't right. Dean had always been there, ever since he could remember and he needed his big brother to still take care of him. Sam prayed that his brother would still be there when he reached him.

Five minutes later he found the road that led to the crossroad. He turned the car and its light illuminated the Impala. Sam slammed the breaks down and got out of the car. He sprinted towards the car.

"Dean?" he shouted.

"Sammy." Dean's shaking voice came from the other side. Three large steps and Sam could see his brother.

He had one hand pressed down on his stomach and there was a lot of blood. "Dean!"

"Figured I couldn't drive anymore", he said with a small smile.

"Dean," Sam kneeled down beside him, "what happened?"

"Black dog. Nasty bitch. A bit like a hellhound. More talkative, though." "What?" Sam didn't understand a word.

He started to inspect his brother for wounds. "You know those sons of bitches talk their victims into death." Sam got cold. "It nearly got me, too."

He read somewhere that some versions of the black dog just talk to their victims about everything they just hate about themselves, feel guilty for etc. Until they asked it to be killed.

He never would've thought this was one of them, too. Now way he would have let Dean go.

"Don't be stupid," he told Dean as he gently turned his head to see a deep cut on the side of Dean's face. "You killed it." Dean gripped his wrist.

"You don't understand, Sam. It had me. I was ready to let it kill me."

"No you weren't!" He could not believe that. He couldn't believe that Dean actually wanted to die. "You're not dead." Dean shook his head.

"If it had you where it wanted you then why are you still alive?" Dean looked him in the eye.

"Because you called." Sam swallowed. "I was ready to give up. It made me believe I lost everything. And then you called and I remembered my little brother back in the motel room. Couldn't leave you alone."

Dean laughed which quickly turned into a cough. And there was blood too. Sam slowly moved the hand on Dean's stomach. Blood welled and Sam closed his eyes.

Shit.

That was a deep and long and not at all clean cut. He quickly pressed Dean's hand back on it.

"We need a doctor." Dean shook his head.

"No. We're still the FBIs most wanted and how are you going to explain this. No doctor. "

"Dean this is bad. If it's not looked after…."

"I said no." Sam frowned. "Then let at least Arathiel…"

"No." his brother shouted. "No angel healing." Sam sighed.

He would just wait till Dean fell asleep. He knew he would kill him if he woke up and the wing was gone but at least that was better than a dead brother.

"Fine", he finally said and wanted to get up. Dean grabbed his collar. "You have to promise, Sam. Promise that you won't let him heal me."

"Dean, when you're dying…" "Even then. No healing. Maybe it's just time." Sam searched his eyes for a hint that he was afraid, lying, something but there was just determination.

Dean was ready to die.

And he would, because let's face it, without proper medical treatment that wound would kill him.

"Don't make me watch you die", Sam said quietly. "Don't." Dean threw him a painful look. "Because I really do need you. Don't leave me," Sam begged.

"You survived the black dog you have to survive this, too, please. What would I do without you?" Dean's eyes flickered at that last sentence and he looked down.

"He can heal me when I'm at the edge of death. And only then." Relieve flooded over him. "Thank you. Now let's get you back to our room."

He put an arm around Dean and tried to lift him up but Dean let out a painful hiss. "I don't think you should move me." "I know but we have to get you in the Impala."

Dean drew a deep breath and when he nodded Sam got him up. He opened the passenger's door and carefully maneuvered Dean into the seat. He moaned and let his head fall back. He was scaringly pale and Sam ran to the other side and got behind the wheel.

He got a shirt from the back seat and handed it to Dean. "You have to put pressure on it." Dean did as he was told but Sam could see that he got weaker every minute. Sam broke nearly every speed limit on his way back.


	7. Chapter 7

Dean had constantly gotten worse.

He made jokes at first but eventually that stopped too. Sam had done everything he could but it seemed not to help. The cut wouldn't heal and now there was an infection, too.

Sam replaced the wet cloth on Dean's forehead. He was burning up and Sam had researched what to do but nothing helped.

And now Dean was slipping into a delirium. He seemed to hallucinate and on the rare occasions that he actually fell asleep his nightmares took hold of him.

Sam sighed. He didn't know what to do. All that was left for him was to wait until Dean got so worse that he could call Arathiel without feeling guilty. Couldn't be long now.

Sam turned around to get some water when he heard the wings. He spun around. "You", he said in an accusing tone. "Where have you been?" Arathiels' face did not change as he looked at Dean.

"Busy", he simply said. Sam couldn't believe what he heard.

"You couldn't spare the time to save my brother from the dog? Or zap me there? Or zap him back?"

"No", was the only answer he got. Sam seriously started to question the angels' orders. He was not much of a help.

Arathiel looked out of the window and seemed to listen to something. His eyes widened and Sam could have sworn there was a spark of fear in them. He blinked and Arathiel was gone.

Sam was too worn out to even curse so he just got the water and tried to make Dean drink. It didn't work so well.

He tried to be angry with his brother for making him promise those stupid things but it wasn't really working. He suspected that without the burn mark Dean would probably just fall apart.

But he was also worried that when he waited too long Arathiel would fail him simply in showing up late. Sam sighed and settled down on his bed, still keeping a close watch at Dean. His eyes shifted under his lids but he did not wake up. Probably another nightmare.

Sam rested his head on his hand and closed his eyes for a few minutes.

Someone knocked at their door. Sam woke up with a start, instinctively grabbing the angel blade that he always kept close. He quickly made sure that the devil's trap under the rug in front of the door was still intact. He had paid for another week and no one knew where they were staying so he suspected demon. Though it seemed a bit odd for a demon to knock.

He threw a glance back at Dean but he was still trapped in his feverish dream. Sam tightened his grip on the blade and went to open the door.

Only to find himself standing in front of Cas.

Sam blinked as to make sure that he was not imagining things.

"Hello, Sam", Cas said. He sounded the same. In fact he was also wearing the same clothes. Sam emptied the whole bottle of holy water over him. Nothing happened.

"You also want to cut me with a silver knife, I suppose?", Cas said matter-of-factly. Sam considered it for a split second but instead he just pulled Cas in for a big hug.

Cas awkwardly patted his back and Sam grinned. He had really missed the guy.

After a few more uncomfortable seconds he pushed him at arm's length away. "Cas, man, what happened to you?" Cas looked quizzically at him.

"What do you mean?"

"You died. Six months ago. Don't you remember?" Cas blinked and Sam saw something shift in his eyes but it was gone too fast.

"I did not die. I just woke up in this field but you were gone and so I came here. I saw you not half an hour ago." Sam shook his head.

"Cas you died on that field six months ago. Your grace exploded and your wings were burned into the ground and we gave you a hunters funeral."

Cas laid a hand on his chest. "My grace is intact", he said.

Sam couldn't believe what he heard. "No…it was all over the ground. And there was nothing left of you, we made sure of that."

Cas seemed worried now.

"So you say I have been resurrected once more." Sam nodded. "Interesting", Cas finally said. Then he looked past Sam. "May I come in?" Sam did not move.

"If your grace is still intact why didn't you just pop in? Why knock at the door?" Cas stopped. "I … don't know", he said and narrowed his eyes. "It just seemed the right thing to do."

Sam didn't really believe him but after another long moment he finally moved to let Cas in. Cas left the devil's trap without slowing down and Sam felt a bit better. Maybe he was just confused. Six months of being dead could do that to you.

The instant Cas entered the room his eyes fixed on Dean and he rushed to his side. "What happened?", he asked and looked back at Sam.

"He got attacked by a black dog. It didn't go well."

"I can see that. Why didn't you call…", Cas trailed off.

"Call Arathiel? Dean wouldn't let him heal him. He made me promise."

"Who's Arathiel?" Sam came closer to Cas. "He's an angel. Said he was your replacement."

Cas looked at him like he couldn't believe what he was hearing. He opened his mouth to ask something but seemed to change his mind at the last second.

"Why would Dean deny himself the healing?", Cas asked finally.

"Because of your wing."

"My what?" Sam walked over to Dean and lifted the shirt to show Cas the black mark.

"He held you when you died and your grace burned into him." Cas head snapped back up.

"Our grace would never burn into something living. Never."

"Well, this one did", Sam said as he watched how Cas extended his hand to touch the wing but instead draw it back and tucked it into his pocket.

"So, why no healing?" Sam rubbed his forehead. "Your death had been hard on him. He didn't cope well. Still doesn't, honestly. And that is all that was left of you. He feared that if Arathiel healed his other wounds…" "…this one would heal, too", Cas finished his sentence. Sam simply nodded.

Then something dawned on him. "If you still have your angel mojo you can heal him." Cas carefully looked at Sam. "He said he didn't want to be healed."

"But you're here now. No need for the wing. And you are not going anywhere, are you?"

Cas sighed and looked back at Dean. "Where would I ever go?" he asked as he cupped Dean's cheek in his palm.

"He's burning up. And the cut is so deep", Cas said with a sad tone and then he closed his eyes. Dean instantly looked healthy but he was also still asleep.

"What...?" Sam started but Cas interrupted him. "He's asleep. Some rest will do him good." Cas paused. "Could you check his shoulder?" Sam did and the mark was still there. Cas did not seem happy about that.

"He will be asleep for approximately four hours. Would you care to catch me up on what I missed?", Cas asked as he sat down on the chair. After one last look at Dean Sam followed him and told Cas everything that happened while they waited for Dean to wake up.


	8. Chapter 8

Part VIII

Dean slowly woke up. 

He felt good and rested and contend. He closed his eyes again, willing that feeling to go away. No use in that if he had to face reality in a few minutes. 

He did a mental check over, flexed all his muscles but everything was fine. No sudden pain. He was healed. 

There was a hint of despair to that thought. His hand automatically crept up to his shoulder. Did he really dare look at it? Could he take it if the mark was gone? 

He took his time deciding but finally he came to the conclusion that he had to face this eventually so now was as good as ever. He turned his head and lowered his eyes. 

The black wing was still there. 

He closed his burning eyes as relieve washed over him. It was still there. 

Pain mixed into his feelings and he squeezed his eyes. Cas was still dead. 

He forced his breath to even out again and then he heard Sam murmuring. So Arathiel still had to be there. 

Dean continued to lay in his bed. He had his back to Sam so the guy didn’t know that he was awake. Dean wanted it to stay that way, at least a little longer. 

He feared that Sam would want to know what exactly happened when he encountered the black dog and he sure as hell was not ready to tell the tale. 

Now that he lay in bed warm and rested, it was hard to believe the hound got to him at all. But it did and it was another hunt he yet survived so no need in poking at it. 

He concentrated on Sammy’s murmuring again but he couldn’t make out any words. The constant flow of it and the warm and comfortable feeling made him drift asleep again very soon. 

When he next woke he could tell that some time had passed. 

And now it dawned on him that he actually had been dying in that bed because otherwise Sam would not have let Arathiel heal him. By making him promise he had made sure of that. 

Dean realized that Sam was still talking and Arathiel never stayed so long that you could actually talk two whole sentences. So who was here? 

Dean finally turned around only to find himself staring at two very familiar, unbelievable blue eyes.

He was still dreaming. Had to be and explained a lot. 

He was healed and the mark was still there and he felt rested like he hadn’t in a long time. Six months to be precise. That would all perfectly fit with his dream. And Cas was there, so yeah, welcome to dreamland. 

Expect that something wasn’t right. Sam and Cas were sitting at the table and both stared wide eyed at him. 

“Hello, Dean”, Cas said reluctantly and lowered his eyes. 

Sam slowly got up. “Dean”, he said carefully, “this will be a bid hard to believe.” 

Ok that was not how his dreams usually went. His dreams were all about Sam doing research, Cas doing awkward angel things and about hunting. Perfectly normal days. 

Not about Cas avoiding his eyes or Sam being strange. This was not right. Dean sat up and Sam moved a bit in Cas’ direction, as if he wanted to put himself in the way. 

Dean frowned. “What’s going on?” 

“You have to be very calm about this,” Sam said. 

“Calm about what exactly, Sam?” Sam took a step towards Dean as he leaned to a side to get a better look at Cas. He looked the same. Except for the fact that he couldn’t meet his eyes. He looked expectantly back at Sam. 

“Well the good news is that Cas is back.” 

Dean’s heart stuttered and his breathing exhilarated. He tried to calm himself down. 

“What’s the bad news then?” Of course there had to be bad news as well. 

“He doesn’t know who brought him back and he doesn’t remember being dead.” Sam rushed the sentence out and kept a close watch at every movement Dean made. As if he would flip or attack Cas or something. He didn’t because he was busy trying to remember how to breath properly. 

That was a weird dream. Never had one of these before. His thoughts raced. It also felt different than one of his dreams because Cas never died there. No need for Dean to freak out like that. 

So if he did, this must be true. Well, there was one way to find that out. Dean got up and moved towards Cas but Sam instantly blocked his was. 

Dean flinched back. “What is wrong with you?” Sam just gave him a look. “What do you think I’m going to do?” 

“I don’t know, Dean, but you seem awfully calm.” Given the fact that Sam had asked him to be calm, that was a bit funny. But also true. Before Dean could let himself freak out about Cas being back he had to do one thing. 

“I just want to check something,” he said to Sam. “I’m not going to hurt him.” They looked at each other for several seconds and then Sam hesitantly stepped aside. 

Dean approached Cas, who finally met his eyes again, and extended his hand. He faltered on the last final inches but then he touched his shoulder. 

And Cas stayed. 

And that was the important part because that was the part in his dreams when he always woke up. He was never able to touch Cas. Whether it was to grab his shoulder or pull him out of the way, the moment his fingers made contact he woke up. 

But not this time. 

His hand started shaking and it went through his whole body, his breathing hitched, his heart missed a few beats and everything went a bit fuzzy. 

“Hello, Dean”, Cas said again, this time with a little smile. 

Dean let out a breath that sounded suspiciously like a sob and then he pulled Cas into a bone breaking tight embrace.


	9. Chapter 9

Cas stayed for most of the time now.

Which was good given the fact that Dean had developed the strange habit of making sure he was still real. Every now and then he had to touch Cas, on the shoulder or the arm, just to make sure that he was real.

He knew it was strange but it reassured him that he did not imagine things or was still dreaming. Cas tolerated his habit and Sam never mentioned it even though in the beginning he gave Dean some strange looks.

The nights were still bad, though.

He mostly dreamt of Cas dying now, since that was still a very real fear and danger. So in almost every night he woke up panting, still the lingering images of Cas' lifeless body in his mind.

But Cas was there. He was always sitting on a chair facing Dean's bed so that when Dean woke up, still horrified, his eyes would automatically land on Cas.

Sometimes, very few times, that was enough to calm Dean down again. Most of the time it wasn't.

In those nights Dean always got out of bed, never taking his eyes off of Cas, in fear he would disappear, and walked over to him just to touch him. After that he usually went back to bed again.

In the beginning Cas seemed not to understand.

"I'm here Dean", was his usual answer to Dean walking up to him.

Since that wasn't enough for Dean he still went ahead. Two fingers to the shoulder. Nearly every night.

They never talked about that and Cas just stared at him now. After a few nights he gave up telling Dean that he was there. He just seemed to accept Dean's need now. Maybe he even understood. Dean wasn't sure. And either way he didn't care. He needed that to stay sane.

This night was a particularly bad one. In his dream Cas had died protecting him and that was always the worst for Dean.

If he died in a fight or through an accident, that was bad but he could eventually shake that off. When Cas sacrificed himself to keep Dean save, that was something that terrified Dean.

He couldn't bear the thought that someone sacrificed themselves for his sake, least of all Cas, who had already sacrificed so much just by helping them.

So tonight he didn't even try to shake the dream off, he immediately locked eyes with Cas and climbed out of bed. He was sweaty and the blanket stuck to him so he had to fumble a bit before he finally could make his way over to Cas.

He seemed to sense that something was different tonight because he straightened a bit.

"Dean, it's okay. I'm here." Dean nodded but still went ahead and clutched Cas shoulder.

"Yeah", he said, "yeah, you're here. " He swallowed. "I know that."

"But you don't believe it."

That was indeed true. On most of the days he wasn't even sure he fully comprehended that Cas was back.

"What's different tonight?", Cas asked.

"You died", was all Dean said.

"I seem to do that a lot in your dreams. So what has changed?"

Dean sighed and sat down on the second chair. He really didn't want to talk about his dreams, because that made them even more vivid but he sure as hell could not go back to sleep.

Cas waited patiently but Dean wasn't ready to talk so they just sat in complete silence until the sun rose and Sam woke up.

The next night wasn't really better. Dean woke up with a start, still feeling Cas' blood everywhere on his hands. He got up, touched Cas and sat down with him again.

It went on like this. Dean would go to bed, sleep for an hour or two and then he would wake up with those lingering images. He would join Cas on the table and just sit with him until the new day started.

After a week it got to him. He was cranky and aggressive and so damn tired. And every night it took him longer to wake up. Which intensified the horror because when he passed the 'Cas died' part, he had to go on living and even in his dreams that was too hard to do.

This night it took him especially long to wake up. When he finally did he felt devastated and even in his dreams his hand had clutched his shoulder until it hurt.

Dean turned around to look for Cas and he was sitting at his usual spot. He walked over to him, touched him lightly on the forearm and sat down on the other chair.

"Dean", Cas said and it was the first time he talked at night since that very first one, "you have to sleep." Dean rubbed his face. "I slept long enough." Cas looked at him quizzically.

"Indeed, you slept longer this time. But you don't seem refreshed. Why is that?" Dean refused to meet Cas' eyes and just stared down at his hands.

"What were you dreaming about?" Dean wanted to tell him that that was none of his business but couldn't manage to bring out the words so he hesitated and Cas didn't pry. He gave him credit for that but then again it wasn't like the angel was a big talker.

But he seemed really worried about Dean because after a few more minutes he just said: "You don't have to tell me if you don't want."

"No it's not…." Dean started but then just rubbed his face again. "Dean, I will not leave you again. I never even intended to do that in the first place."

Dean stared at Cas. "Yeah, you never intent to leave. And then it still happens." Cas wanted to say something but Dean just rushed on. "Look, man, I know you would never abandon us. Even when you die you just magically return. This time…. I don't know, it really got to me."

Dean looked down on his hands again because if he was going to talk about this he sure as hell would not have Cas stare into his soul just by meeting the guys gaze.

"You never died like this before", Dean said silently. "You always disappeared, you know. With Lucifer there were just bits and pieces left of you and you returned almost immediately. And with the Leviathans, I saw how you dissolved into the fucking lake. All that was left was your coat. But this time…. man, I could see your grace. There were so many wounds and everywhere was light and your wings burned into the ground…."

Dean stopped and swallowed. He couldn't even talk about this without feeling like suffocating. His hand clutched to his shoulder. "And we burned you, Cas. We burned you." His voice was thick and he gripped his shoulder even tighter. "You were gone. You died in my arms and you were just gone."

Cas carefully touched his hand and loosened his grip. "And then I came back to you. Like I said I always do. Like you said I would." Dean squeezed his eyes shut.

"Are you really back, Cas?" He could feel Cas' hand on his but he was still afraid of the answer. "Yes, Dean. And I'm not going anywhere so you can sleep without worry. I'll watch over you."

Dean's eyes snapped open and he jerked back, away from Cas' touch. "No! Don't do that. Don't ever do that."

Cas tilted his head in confusion but Dean was too busy freaking out to care. Because this was just like his dreams. If Cas watched out for him he would try to protect him and then he would die. For him.

And Dean couldn't even bear the thought of that happening outside of his dreams. So no. No watching over him.

"Dean", Cas started but Dean stopped him midsentence. "No", he said angrily, "you don't understand." "Then explain it to me!"

They had gotten a bit loud and Sam stirred, but luckily he did not wake. They both waited a few seconds until Sam was still again.

"Talk to me", Cas said and Dean almost laughed because wasn't that what he always said to Cas? "Why am I not allowed to watch over you? I just want you to be safe and okay."

Dean snorted. "And what makes you think I'm not able to watch out for myself?"

Cas didn't answer so Dean just went on. He wanted this conversation over.

"I don't need you to watch out for me." Cas' eye twitched and something that looked a lot like pain flickered over his face. Dean couldn't care less.

"I don't want you to watch over me. I want you to mind your own business."

He needed this conversation to be over and apparently it was because Cas couldn't meet his eyes anymore. And didn't that hurt. But on the other hand it was exactly what he had wanted.

Dean got up and went back to bed, back turning deliberately to Cas.


	10. Chapter 10

The next morning Cas was gone.

Dean had expected that much but it did nothing good to his fear that Cas was not real. Of course somewhere deep down in a very tiny rational part of his emotion-flooded brain he knew that Cas was real and that he probably had some things to do, but still.

It frightened him and he felt bad for what he had said last night. It was really not Cas' fault that he couldn't cope and there hadn't been a real reason to snap like that. But it happened and Dean was eager to drown the memory of last night in some booze.

He was on his way over to the fridge when Sam woke up.

"Morning", Dean said but Sam just grunted. When there was no case or a schedule they had to stick to Sam always needed some time and a coffee before he was able to properly talk. So when Dean got his beer out he also poured a coffee for Sam and shoved it into his hands when he came back out of the bathroom.

Sam eyed the beer. "So, where's Cas?" It did wonders to Dean's psyche that Sam remembered Cas but "Not here", was all he said. Sam sighed heavily and parked his huge form on one of the chairs.

"What did you do?"

"Why do you assume it's something I did? Maybe the dude's just busy. He was dead for six months. Maybe he has some people to see." Sam's eyes flickered back to the beer in Dean's hand and he could almost hear the "Yeah, right", but luckily he didn't press.

"Will he come back?"

"How should I know?", Dean snapped. Sam lifted his hands in a soothing manner and turned his concentration on his coffee and the newspaper.

Dean settled down on his bed again and turned the TV on. Only to find Arathiel stand right in front of it.

"And where the hell have you been?"

"My presence was not required."

"Not required?", Sam asked disbelieving and looked up from the paper. "I could have used your help when my brother was dying in that bed", he said accusingly. "We could have used some explanations when Cas was suddenly knocking on our door."

Arathiel turned his gaze to Sam. "The resurrected worrier is none of my business." Dean leaned forward. "You know what's up with Cas? Who brought him back?"

Arathiel briefly looked at him but averted his eyes. "Like I said, it is none of my business. You should turn to page 16", he directed at Sam and then he was gone again.

"That son of a bitch", Sam muttered but he was already turning the pages. Dean was walking over to him when something hit him.

"Do you realize that Cas and Arathiel never met? Arathiel didn't drop by when Cas was here and now the first day he is actually out, he comes over? A bit of a coincidence, don't you think?"

"Don't know, man, but you should check this out." Dean leaned over Sam's shoulder and scanned the page.

"Does this look like demon to you?" Dean nodded and cursed under his breath.

"We better pack up then, before more people end up dead." Sam agreed and in a matter of minutes everything was packed and they were on the road.

After a few hours of driving Dean nearly fell asleep, so Sam took over the wheel.

Dean woke up when Sam hit the brakes hart. He wasn't even fully awake when Sam was already out of the car. Dean followed a bit slower.

"Cas", Sam said carefully to Cas, who stood lost at the side of the road, "why are you standing here?"

"I wanted to join you again." Dean felt relieved that Cas still wanted to come back, but that did not explain why he played hijacker.

"Why didn't you just show up in the car?" 'Valid question', Dean thought.

Cas frowned. "I seem to have a little problem….zooming in on your location. This", he pointed at the road, "was the best I could do."

"You're having problems with your mojo?"

"That could be one explanation." Sam shot a glance over to Dean. "But you were able to heal Dean."

"And it seemed to have cost me a great deal." Great. Now Cas also drained his powers for his sake. Wasn't that just fantastic.

"But it's not that bad, right? You're still able to smite demons?" Cas seemed slightly offended by that question. "Of course I am still able to smite demons."

Dean could have sworn there was a hint of doubt in his eyes but he wasn't sure. And he was in no position to doubt Cas.

"That's convenient", Sam said as he went back to the car, "because we might have a demon case on our hands."

"Then I will come along", Cas said and walked past Dean to open the back door.

Dean felt the urge to touch Cas again but he restrained himself. He needed to let go of this stupid habit.

Sam seemed to notice that but he didn't comment on it. The warning glare Dean shot him might have added to that.

"I'm going back to sleep", Dean declared as he settled back into his seat.

He got a glance of Cas in the side mirror and he could have sworn he looked somewhat between pleased and worried.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all: Hi to all those who read this. Thank you so much.  
> Second: I don't own anything. And I'm going to twist things so that they fit, which means everything up to purgatory happened and we'll have to see about the rest^^  
> Third: This is unbeta'd so all mistakes are mine.

It was easy enough to figure the case out. The people they questioned had smelled sulfur and the main suspect behaved so differently that it almost screamed demon.

Not so easy was finding the demon. Cas wasn't able to localize it, Arathiel never showed up and two more people died before they got a real lead on it.

And of course the demon hid in an abandoned warehouse. Maybe next time they should just check out every abandoned place first, Dean thought. Would be a lot easier.

They had agreed to give Cas the demon knife because Dean would not hand him a weapon that could be used against him, but on the other hand he did not want him unarmed even though he would probably just smite the demon if he got attacked.

So Sam had the angel blade and Dean would use his purgatory weapon. They entered the warehouse very carefully, Sam first and Cas in the middle so that Dean could watch both their backs.

They stepped through the door, all three highly alerted and then Sam stopped dead.

It was a trap.

Instead of the expected one or two demons they faced eight. Oh crap, Dean thought. This could take a while.

They positioned themselves against the wall so that no one could creep up on them. One of the demons stepped forwards.

"Give us the angel and you are free to go."

"What?" Dean asked perplex.

"Give us the angel and you can leave", he repeated.

Dean moved a bit in front of Cas. "Yeah, right, not happening."

"What do you want with him?" Sam asked. God bless his little brother because Dean wouldn't have thought of that.

He just wanted to kill all of them. No one would lay a finger on Cas.

The demon laughed. "As if Crowley would tell us what he wants with the pretty angel boy", he snickered.

Cas stepped forward, past Dean. "Where would you take me?"

"Cas", Dean said disbelieving and even Sam turned his head. "You're not going anywhere." He grabbed the trench coat in an attempt to draw Cas back. "How should I know. We just collect the goods." Cas tilted his head. "We're supposed to call him once we have you."

Cas nodded and stepped back, until he stood next to Dean.

"I'm sorry. I have to decline. I'm not going anywhere."

The demons' smile faded. "Then we'll take you by force."

"I'd like to see you try", Dean countered with more confidence than he actually felt and tightened the grip on his weapon. No one would take Cas. Least of all Crowley.

On an unheard signal they stormed forward. Dean went for the leader but he dodged his first strike. Dean threw one strike after another at him and finally he had him knocked out.

He looked around only to see that Sam was busy and just in time to see how the demon knife got knocked out of Cas' hand. Dean let go off his weapon and threw himself at the demon, right before it could hit Cas.

"Smite the leader", he yelled at Cas as he rolled of the demon and whirled around, picking up the demon knife in the motion. The demon tried to attack him again but Dean stabbed it in the chest.

The body fell to one side and as Dean pulled the knife back out his eyes fell on Cas. He had one hand on the head of the leader and it looked like he was about to smite him but nothing happened.

Except that he woke up again and knocked Cas off of him. It seemed to be quite the hard blow because Cas just fell to one side, blinking hard.

The demon was on him the next minute, strangling him. "He said alive not unharmed", he panted. Cas tried to loosen the grip on his throat but it did not work. He was too weak.

Dean's body flooded with adrenaline as he saw how Cas movements became slower and slower. He tried to get back to Cas but he knew he wouldn't make it, especially as another demon stepped into his path.

One glance over to Sam showed him that he couldn't help either, he was still fighting.

Dean watched in horror as Cas eyes fluttered over to him and then slowly closed. Dean didn't even notice that the demon in front of him hit him hard.

"Close your eyes", Arathiels' voice suddenly shouted. Deans' eyes snapped shut but he could still see the light so he also covered them with his arm.

"Okay, you're fine now", Arathiel said after a few seconds. Dean opened his eyes and every demon was smitten.

He took a few seconds to check on Sam, then he rushed over to Cas.

He rolled the body off him, hands shaking violently and he wasn't able to breathe properly just like he had been the one who got strangled.

Cas was panting heavily, eyes still closed but definitely alive.

"Cas?", Dean said reluctantly but when Cas finally opened his eyes relieve washed over him. "What happened?", he asked as he helped him sit up. Cas dizzily shook his head a few times.

"Apparently I am not able to smite demons anymore."

"No shit, Sherlock", Dean said angrily. Cas seemed still way to unfocused, so Dean gripped his chin.

"Cas, look at me." Cas tried but he was unable to meet his gaze, his eyes wandering aimlessly.

"Cas?" Dean got worried now and he carefully turned Cas' head. His left side already had a purple color.

"Cas, what's up with the bruising?", he asked, now alarmed. Cas weakly lifted a hand to touch his cheek but flinched at the light contact.

"I don't know. This is not a pleasant feeling." Dean was too terrified to respond to that. If Cas had lost his powers and got injured he was practically human now. And humans could die.

"Cas, how is your grace?", Sam asked from behind Dean. Cas' attention seemed to turn inwards for a few seconds.

"My grace is still fine." He frowned but immediately hissed in pain. "I don't understand what is happening. I should be able to heal myself." He looked in Dean's direction. "I was able to heal you", he said and there was an accusing tone to it, like it was somehow Deans' fault.

And it was very likely that it really was his fault. He turned away, hurt, that he was probably the cause that Cas laid there in the first place.

"Arathiel, why don't you just…"Dean trailed off when he noticed that the other angel was gone. "Great. Not suspicious at all", he muttered.

He turned back only to see that Sam was searching the body of the leader while Cas tried to get up.

He made it to his feet but swayed horribly and nearly fell over. Dean rushed to his side and steadied him.

"Careful." Cas leaned heavily into him and Dean put an arm around his shoulder.

"Let's get you back to the motel. Sam, you coming?" "Yep", he triumphantly said as he got a phone out of the jacket of the body.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is a short chapter but I promise the next one will, hopefully, make up for that.

Dean parked Cas on his bed, while Sam got their things from the Impala. 

Cas started to lay down but Dean snatched his arm and pulled him back up. “No, no, no you’re not going to sleep.” And wasn’t that a strange thing to say to an angel. 

“Why not? It feels like the right thing to do.” 

Dean bowed down to meet the angel’s gaze. “Look me in the eye.” Cas tried but again he wasn’t able to hold the gaze. 

“Now follow my finger.” The blue eyes couldn’t quite keep up with his movements. 

“Cas you’ve got a massive concussion. You’re so not going to sleep.” 

“If you say so.” It hurt Dean to hear the trust in his voice, especially if it really was his fault that Cas got hurt and was unable to heal himself. 

“Ok, Cas, I have to check for broken bones.” 

“Okay”, Cas simply said. Dean hesitated. “I have to put pressure on your cheek. This will hurt.” 

“It’s fine.” Dean still didn’t move and Cas put a reassuring hand on his arm. “Really, Dean, it’s fine. I trust you.” 

Dean nodded and gently laid a hand on the unharmed side of Cas’ face. With the other he put pressure on his temple, his cheekbone and his chin but nothing felt broken. 

Cas had inhaled sharply at the first contact but now he kept his breath even. Dean moved his fingers from the side of his face to the skull, carefully trading them through Cas’ hair to check the bone for sensitive spots or bumps but luckily he didn’t find either. 

When he noticed how soft the black hair was and that Cas had closed his eyes half ways he retreated his hand quickly. 

“Good, nothing feels smashed. That’s good”, he mumbled. “Sam get me some ice”, he shouted over his shoulder before he looked at Cas again. 

“You’re hurt anywhere else?” Cas started to shook his head but it seemed like that was too painful so he just murmured “No.” 

“Okay then”, Dean said and lifted Cas carefully up, to bring him over to a chair. “You’re just going to sit there and don’t fall asleep.” 

Cas sighed unnerved. “I won’t, Dean. If you say I shouldn’t then I won’t.” 

Dean nodded but looked worriedly down at Cas. Something felt not right. Sam finally came back with a bag of ice and Dean snatched it out of his hands. 

“Maybe you should get some too”, he said as he looked warily at Dean. 

“I’m fine”, he answered dismissively as he gently laid the pack on Cas’ cheek and put his hand on it. 

“Keep it there.” 

“Yes.” 

“And tell me if you feel sick or like throwing up or dizzy.” 

“I will.” Dean sighed and turned back to Sam. 

“We should get him to a hospital”, he said in a low voice. Sam shot a look over to Cas. 

“We can’t. You don’t know how human he is. What if he suddenly heals? What if they find something that’s not normal?” 

“I know”, he whispered. “It’s just… I’m worried, okay?” 

Sam gave him a sympathetic look. “I know.” He turned around and got another ice bag. “But there’s nothing we can do right now. We’ll keep an eye on him. And you should put this on your chin.” He threw the bag to him. 

Dean caught it, frowned and went into the bathroom. He whistled when he saw his reflection because his chin was colored in dark blue and bright red. 

He tried to remember when that happened but all he could remember was how Cas’ eyes had closed. 

It was too close to his dreams. 

Cas dying in front of him and he unable to safe him. Dean had to steady himself at the sink and took deliberately deep breaths. 

He reminded himself that Cas was more or less fine and sitting right next door but the shaking wouldn’t stop. 

He grabbed his shoulder and squeezed it until it hurt but he was only able to pull himself together when he heard an unfamiliar phone ring next door.


	13. Chapter 13

He came out of the bathroom and found Sam and Cas staring at a phone on the table. He checked if Cas was still holding the icepack in place before he really noticed the phone. It was the one Sam snatched from the demon.

Dean noticed that everytime the phone rang Cas flinched. Looked like he had one hell of a headache and Dean made a mental note to get him some painkillers.

Sam looked expectantly at Dean and cleared his throat. "Think we should get it?"

"Of course." Sam nodded and answered it.

"Hello, boys," they heard.

"Crowley." Dean stiffened visibly but the other two were too focused on the phone to notice. He unconsciously moved a bit into Cas direction as if Crowley could snatch him away from him through the phone.

"I take it you met my guys."

"We had a very lovely meeting. They were charming", Dean said sarcastically.

"Good to hear. How's angel boy?" Dean wanted to say something but Sam shut him up.

"What do you want with him, Crowley?"

"He's still alive, I take it? It would be a shame if he died."

"Yeah, I bet."

"How is his mojo doing after smiting all those demons? Still juicy as ever?"

Dean and Sam changed a look. Crowley seemed not to realize that Arathiel did the smiting.

"What do you want?" Dean really started to get itchy now.

"Say hello to Cas for me," was all Crowley said before he hung up. He never made his plans known, Dean had to give him that.

"I don't like it", Sam said. "He will send more demons."

"We have to get moving", Dean agreed. "First we have to get rid of this phone. He could be able to track it." Sam had already started do disable the phone. Dean quickly started to gather their belongings.

"Where should we go?", Sam asked, when he came back in after he threw the phone away.

"We have to get him somewhere safe", Dean said with a side glance to Cas. "The bunker. We just have to stop to get him some painkillers." Sam shot him a surprised look.

Dean knew that he had refused to go back to the man of letters' bunker but things had changed now and it was the safest place for Cas. He could heal there without the threat of Crowley storming in.

"You don't have to", Cas protested, misjudging Sams' previous look. "I can hide just fine from him."

Dean turned back to Cas. "You can't even follow a moving finger properly. No way you're hiding on your own." Sam got the duffel and Dean went over to get Cas.

"Come on. Let's get you to the car." He tried to reach for Cas but he pushed his hand away.

"I can walk just fine."

Dean raised an eyebrow but backed away. Cas slowly got to his feet. So far everything was fine but when Cas made his first step he fell to one side. Dean was there to catch him.

"Just let me help you. You are hurt." Cas had his eyes closed and Dean bet his world was spinning.

"Like you let Sam help you when you were hurt?", Cas asked and straightened himself.

"That's not the same," Dean answered. "I had something to lose." Cas looked at him, sadness in his eyes. "Dean, the mark…", he started but got interrupted by Sam who barged back into the room.

"Where are you guys? We're ready to go." Dean nodded, not sure if he was disappointed that Cas got interrupted or relieved.

"We're on our way", he said as he slung Cas arm over his shoulder. He didn't care that the angel wanted to keep his dignity. Cas stiffened for a split second before he let out an exhausted sigh and let Dean help him.

They made it to the car alright but Dean could tell that Cas was in pain. He helped him into the back seat and motioned for him to lie down.

"Keep the ice on your head, we'll stop at the first pharmacy to get you some painkillers." Cas nodded weakly and just closed his eyes again.

They stopped at the first pharmacy they came by. Dean sprinted inside but hesitated when he saw the amount of pills. He had no experience with painkillers since for him booze always worked fine.

Additional to that he wasn't sure about Cas' resistance against the medication but if it was like his resistance against alcohol then he had to get the strongest.

But on the other hand he had no idea how Jimmy's body reacted to painkillers.

In the end Dean settled for medi strong ones and hoped that would do.

Five hours later they arrived at the bunker. The painkillers seemed to help Cas but they had also made him sleepy and Dean would not let him drift away.

Not when he had to drive and couldn't check on Cas frequently.

So when he finally parked the Impala and helped Cas out he was even more insecure on his feet. Dean really hoped that it was due to the medication and not because the concussion was worse than he had originally thought.

They slowly made it down the stairs, Dean carrying Cas more than he walked, but they made it inside.

It was the first time Cas visited their new home but he was in no shape to appreciate it. Sam moved in front of them.

"Which room do you want to take him?"

"Mine", Dean panted, Cas now hanging bonelessly in his grip. "Yours?", Sam ask disbelieving.

Deans' room was usually off limits, even for Sam and they had enough spare rooms here so that Cas could get his own but right now that was not happening.

"Mine, Sammy." Sam shrugged and went ahead to open the door for him.

Dean entered his room and carefully laid Cas down on his bed.

"Where am I?", Cas mumbled. Dean stripped Cas out of his trenchcoat and the jacket and removed his shoes.

"Sh, you're safe here."

"Tired."

"I know. You can sleep now." Cas opened his eyes a bit.

"You said not to."

"I know, but now you can", Dean answered while he tucked Cas under the blanket. "Don't worry, I'll be right here", he said but Cas was already fast asleep.

Dean looked down on him for a few seconds before he finally got out of his own jacket. He changed into some other clothes, more comfortable now, since they would stay there for a while and it was safe.

After that he went into the kitchen. He checked what food they had and then got an icepack and a glass of water and went back into his room.

He put the glass on his nightstand and gently laid the icebag over Cas' forehead and then sat down in the chair that faced his bed and leaned back.

It was a strange feeling to watch the angel sleep especially in his bed.

It took Dean a few minutes to realize the absurdity of the situation, how reversed their positions were.

Usually it was Dean taking a booze induced nap and Cas was the one watching over him. And now it was the other way round.

But Dean had to admit that he felt relieved. Because he got to watch over him. He got to bring Cas home.

And wasn't that just a miracle.

A month ago he couldn't even bear the thought of going back here, entering this room with the knowledge that Cas would never get to see it.

Coming back here and seeing the chair he set up for Cas so he could watch him comfortably and knowing that would never happen had been just too much for Dean.

But it was okay now. Because Cas was there. And he actually got to take care of him for once.

Cas wouldn't just take off beaten and battered and leave Dean behind wondering how he was doing and left with nothing to do but pray to reach him.

This time Dean would make sure that Cas was fine when he left again. If.

Dean's wandering thoughts got interrupted by the alarm he had set on his phone. He had set it up to a two hour rhythm so that even if he would fall asleep, which he actually didn't intent, he wouldn't forget to check on Cas.

Dean quietly left the room and came back with a new icepack and some more painkillers for the case that Cas needed them again. Then he gently tried to wake Cas up but it was harder than he had thought because he was deeply asleep. But finally he managed and Cas reluctantly opened his eyes.

"Dean?", he asked sleepily.

"I'm sorry to wake you but I have to do a quick check on you." He hold up his finger again. "Could you follow it again please?"

Cas shot him an annoyed glance which was really better than the confused one he had gotten hours earlier. Cas was able to follow the moving finger better this time and Dean was pleased.

"Very good. How's the pain? Need more pills?" Cas negated which Dean took also as a good sign.

"Good. Then you can go back to sleep now", Dean said as he replaced the ice on Cas' head. Cas gave a slight nod and immediately dozed off again.

Dean repeated this for the next six hours but after the fourth time he was pleased enough with Cas reaction to just let him sleep now.

When he sat back in his chair again he wanted to rest his head on his hand but the pain that exploded in his chin reminded him that he himself had been hurt.

He left his room to go to the bathroom when Sam sleepily peeked out of his door, hair tousled from tossing around.

"You're still awake?"

"Yes. Go back to sleep, Sammy." Sam looked concerned. "You should get some sleep as well. This was a crazy day."

"I will. Later. Now go back." He ushered Sam back into his room and went ahead to the bathroom.

The bruising on his chin looked really nasty but of course it was too late now to actually do something about it. He was just grateful for the fact that no excruciating headache came with his injury, although that was a bit strange.

He did a quick checkover to see if he was hurt anywhere else but since that was not the case he headed back to his room.

Only to find Arathiel stand in the middle of the hallway.

"And where have you been?", Dean asked angrily. This seemed to be the standard question for them.

"I had to go back."

"So you just popped in to smite all the demons and then you just took off again?"

"That was the order."

Dean cursed. Damn orders. Arathiel approached him and lifted a hand.

"I can heal you."

Dean stepped back.

"Don't heal me. I'm fine. But you could heal Cas, if you're so eager to help." Dean was pretty sure that Cas would heal up just fine but why take chances.

"I'm not allowed to interact with the fallen warrior."

Dean snorted. "What's that crap all about? Fallen? Last time he was the resurrected warrior. What does fallen mean? He said is grace is fine. Is that the reason he has no mojo anymore?" Dean looked at Arathiel, trying to will him to answer his questions. Since that didn't work he added: "No one has to know that you did it."

Arathiel looked concerned and like he was considering this for half a second but then he shook his head and just disappeared again.

That freaking angel, Dean thought and went back into his room.

When Sammy peered into his room several hours later, Cas was still asleep and Dean was still watching over him.

"Please tell me that you slept", Sam said quietly.

"Sorry to disappoint you."

"Dean", Sam sighed. "Get some rest now. I can watch over him."

Dean looked back to Cas who had turned into a little ball under the blanket.

"No, I'm good", he finally said. "Thanks, though", he gave a little smile in Sams' direction.

Sam shook his head in a manner that indicated clearly he thought his brother was insane.

"I'll make you some coffee."

"That would be awesome."

Sam quietly closed the door and came back several minutes later with a hot and strong coffee. Dean breathed the scent in, appreciating it over the ones of the lousy motels.

He finished it in no time, finding that he really needed it since his vigil had made him more tired than he let on.

"So how's he doing?", Sam asked with a little nod in Cas direction.

"Much better. Last time I checked he had no problems following every move I made and he didn't need a second round of pills. And since he is sleeping now for", he quickly checked his watch, "something around 11 hours I think he'll be fine."

"That's good."

"Yeah", Dean agreed.

"Did you eat anything since we got here?"

"No. And we don't have much here. I meant to do a quick trip to town and buy some stuff but I forgot."

"It's fine, I'll do it", Sam offered. "You should probably not drive anymore."

Sam was right so Dean quickly made a list with all the things he would need for breakfast.

Sam was gone for almost half an hour when Cas finally began to stir.

The first thing that came out from under the blanket was his hair. Then a blue eye peeked out at Dean.

"What are you doing?", a husky voice asked. Dean just raised an eyebrow.

"What does it look like?"

"It looks like you have been sitting there the whole time", Cas said as he pulled the blanket further down and stretched a bit. "How long was I asleep?"

"Nearly twelve hours now", Dean answered as he went over to his bed. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine, actually. A bit sluggish but otherwise fine."

"Let me see your face", Dean said. Cas turned his head to show his injured side and it was now nearly black over his cheekbone and his temple.

"Does it hurt?" Cas shook his head. Then he seemed to notice their surroundings.

"Where are we?" "We're in the hideout of the former man of letters. It's a bunker."

"It has a room. With a bed." Cas looked around himself. "And a picture of your mother."

"Yeah, we live here now. Normally. This is my room." Cas seemed surprised.

"Your room."

"Yap." Dean started to get uncomfortable with this subject so he changed it. "Feel like getting up?"

"Yes", Cas said eagerly as he pushed the blanket aside and swung his legs down the side.

"Okay, slowly. You will probably be a bit insecure. Maybe everything will start to spin again." Cas didn't listen and just got up. No swaying or staggering.

"I said I'm fine."

"Uh, yeah, I can see that." Every normal human would've fainted after a head injury that bad and sleeping that long and then just jumping out of bed. But Cas was not a normal human, was he? Maybe he still had enough mojo left to heal the after effects.

"So what exactly is this?"

"Like I said, it's a bunker and it was abandoned and", he heard the faint noise of a door being closed, "Sam's back."

"He left? Is it safe?"

"We needed food and he has the knife. It's fine."

Dean moved out of his room to check if Sam got everything he listed and found him in the kitchen. Dean felt that Cas was following close behind him.

"Hey, Sammy, look who's back from…" he had wanted to say 'the dead' but couldn't bring himself to do that. Sam turned around with a big smile on his face.

"Cas. Good to see you up and walking. How are you feeling?"

"I'm feeling fine. Would you stop asking me that?" He looked around the kitchen.

"Did Dean give you the tour already?"

"He got out of bed five minutes ago."

"Great. I'll do it then." Sam was beaming with anticipation and Dean smiled.

"I'll make some breakfast…well, lunch", he said with a glance at his watch. He checked all the things Sam bought but couldn't find the most important.

"Sammy", he yelled into the living room. "Where is my pie?" Sam looked back at him. "I brought you some cookies." As if that would make it any better.

Dean shook his head and prepared some eggs and bacon and made pancakes and all the time he heard the faint mumble of Sam showing Cas everything.

It was a good place, huge and safe, and they were proud to call it their home.

After fifteen minutes they came back into the kitchen where Dean was nearly done.

"And? What do you think?" "It's a good place to live", Cas answered.

"The best", Sam said as he settled down at the table. Dean put a plate full of pancakes and bacon and scrambled eggs in front of him and a second one in front of Cas.

"Sit", he ordered him.

"I don't require food", Cas said and then his stomach grumbled.

"Well, that says otherwise. Just sit and eat, would you?"

Cas slid behind his plate and started eating. After a first few reluctant bites he seemed to like it and started eating wholeheartedly. Dean watched him and Sam for a few minutes before he got his own plate and sat down.

"So", Cas finally said, "this place is warded against demons and was warded against angels but not anymore. Why is that?"

Sam shot him an incredulous look. "You're kidding right?"

"No, I mean, I get why you erased the seals but if I was really dead for six months why didn't you put them up again?"

Sam gave Dean a quick look but he was busy picking at his pancakes.

"We haven't been here since then", Sam reluctantly said.

"You haven't been home for six months?"

"Well, no. I checked on this place a few times but no."

That was news for Dean. He had no idea that Sam occasionally checked on the bunker. He couldn't blame him for it, though. This place was also his home and they did not come back because Dean couldn't handle his feelings. There really hadn't been a reason for Sam to stay away.

"Why?", Cas asked.

A good question indeed.

Dean felt Sams' eyes on him but he really wasn't eager, or ready, to answer that question.

"Um, well…," Sam stuttered. Cas looked back and forth between them.

"We were too busy hunting", Dean finally answered. Cas looked like he sensed that that wasn't the real reason and Sam seemed not to happy with that answer as well.

"And besides, Arathiel does pop in now and then." He pushed his now empty plate away. "Which reminds me, he popped in earlier today."

Sam gulped down the water he just drank. "What? Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because you were asleep and then I kind of forgot."

"You forgot? How…?"

"Who is he again?", Cas interrupted Sam.

"Arathiel. You know the angel who said was your replacement. I told you about him." Dean wondered when that had been.

"Yes, I remember. But that is strange," Cas began, "since I'm not assigned to you anymore. I haven't been for a long time now. So why would heaven sent someone else? They think you are, as you would say, a pain in the ass."

Dean had to admit he wasn't really surprised. So Arathiel was sketchy. No big news there.

"So far he did nothing but help us", Sam defended him.

"Yeah, well, I wouldn't call it helping. But Sam's right. He did nothing to harm us."

"What did he want?", Sam asked and Dean shrugged.

"I don't know. He didn't say. He showed up in the hallway and wanted to heal me."

Cas frowned. "Why didn't you let him? There is no reason for you to deny that offer since you don't need that mark anymore."

Like anytime someone mentioned the mark to him his hand crept protectively up. "I did not decline the offer, I said he should heal you."

Cas seemed surprised but Dean could tell that Sam had expected that.

"But he didn't. And why would you do that? You must be in pain", he said with a pointed look at his chin.

"Actually, I'm not. And no he didn't, instead he said some strange things."

Sam straightened a bit. "And what would that be?"

"Remember the first time he came back after Cas showed up?"

Sam nodded. "He said Cas was none of his business."

"No, he said 'the resurrected warrior' was none of his business. And I mean that made sense, since Cas is resurrected and a warrior and all."

"I'm not really a warrior anymore. At least not for heaven."

"I know. But you were, so that makes kind of sense. But today he said he is 'not allowed to interact with the fallen warrior'."

Dean looked at Cas. "You didn't fell right?" He was afraid of the answer and even Sam looked expectantly at Cas.

"No I didn't", he said determined. "I told you before, my grace is fine. It isn't harmed in any way and it is most certainly not gone. I did not fall."

Dean let you a sigh of relieve. "Ok that's good. I was just worried because you got injured like a human and you slept and now you also needed food and you're out of angel mojo and…"

"I'm not out of mojo. Not completely."

"You're not?", Sam asked, curious. "Because to me it looks like you are."

Dean got an idea. "If you're not, then you can surely teleport, right?"

"Of course."

"Okay, then teleport into the living room." Cas stared at Dean a few seconds and then he was gone. Dean leaned to the side to get a good look into the living room but there was no Cas.

He got up "Cas?"

Cas came out of the bathroom.

"That's not the living room."

"I know", Cas snapped.

"Come back here." Cas disappeared again and this time they heard a faint knock. And it came not out of the kitchen.

They hurried down the corridor only to find Cas coming out of Sams' room.

"That was completely the wrong direction." Cas shot him a murderous look.

"My powers are hard to grasp and they feel…different, somehow."

"What do you mean, 'different'?" Sam asked, worried.

"They don' feel familiar. I mean, they are mine but… I can't explain it to you. You wouldn't understand."

"But they are there and you can learn to use them again? Practice and all?"

Cas looked like he wanted to say 'I'm an angel of the Lord, I don't need to practice' but instead he just nodded. "I guess", he said and Dean could clearly hear the disgust in his voice.

"Come on, that's not bad. You'll be back to your old self in no time. Practicing is not as bad as being human."

Cas had to agree there and Sam added: "You can start now. We're going back into the kitchen. We'll walk, you'll zap yourself there."

Dean grinned and they made their way back.

"That does still not explain anything Arathiel said", Sam said.

"No it doesn't", Dean agreed. "Maybe the fallen just meant that Cas no longer works for heaven. And Arathiel is not allowed to interact with him because he is still an obedient soulless little warrior", Dean suggested.

Sam didn't seem convinced. "I don't know, Dean. If he no longer works for heaven why bring him back? Heaven doesn't like it if someone goes against their rules and Cas full on rebelled, more than once. So that doesn't make sense. And besides, why send us another angel? I don't know what to make of it but something is definitely not right."

Dean couldn't agree more on that. "Lets just keep a close eye on Arathiel when he shows up again."

Sam wanted to add something but got interrupted by Cas, who suddenly showed up between them.

"I've been to every room you have here", he said unnerved. "And now I'm hungry and want another pancake."

Sam and Dean looked astonished at each other and then started laughing.

Dean gave Cas a clap on the back. "Just sit tight. I'll make you another round."


	14. Chapter 14

Cas soon got the hang of his powers. 

Well, at least he was able to teleport into the right room most of the times. Every now and then he would miss his destination. 

He still ate like a human and he even started to sleep. Not much, just two or three hours a night but still. 

Dean thought it was too human but he wouldn’t ask Cas again. If he said his grace was still there then there had to be another explanation for this. 

Cas developed a taste for burgers and pancakes and Dean was more than happy to make them for him. 

Dean himself had constantly gotten better since they came to the bunker. 

He usually was able to sleep through the night, not always without nightmares, but he didn’t wake up. And if he had one of his old nightmares he would keep to a tight routine. 

He got up and checked the mark, then he checked on Cas’ room. If he wasn’t there he usually found him reading in the living room. They never really spoke in the nights. Cas would go on reading and Dean cleaned the kitchen. Or any other room that needed cleaning. 

This night was one of those nights. 

Dean woke up panting and fear lingering still in his heart. He switched on the light and walked over to the mirror. 

When he revealed the mark he stared for a few seconds. He could’ve sworn it constantly got lighter. It wasn’t really black anymore but slightly grey. 

He could be imagining things but he wasn’t sure. 

He pulled his sleeve back down and walked to Cas’ room. 

Cas had hesitated to choose a room but finally he had settled for the one next to Deans’. 

Dean silently opened the door and the light from the corridor fell into the room and illuminated the sleeping figure of Cas. Dean closed the door again and walked to the kitchen. 

When he passed the living-room he noticed a figure. 

He stopped dead and grabbed one of the many blades that hung on the wall. He had no idea what he was up against but he figured the blade would do until Sam and Cas came with Ruby’s knife and an angel blade. 

He carefully entered the room. The figure had his back to him but he recognized the shape. 

“Arathiel”, he let out a relieved breath. “What are you doing here? I thought you were an intruder.” 

Arathiel turned around and if Dean was any good in reading people he would say he felt caught. Dean was alarmed right away. “What are you doing here?”, he demanded again. 

Arathiel seemed conflicted. “Be careful”, he finally rushed out, “you’re going to be at-” He teleported away in the middle of the word only to be replaced by Crowley. 

Dean gripped his blade but with a snap of his fingers Crowley threw it across the room. 

“Hello, boy. Where’s moose? Still asleep? Give him my love if he wakes up.” 

“How did you get in here? This place is…” 

“Warded? Yeah, I noticed. But one of your sigils is missing one tiny line. Shame, really,” Crowley said as he looked as his hand. 

Dean’s thoughts raced. The warding was good up to no. So who could have…. Arathiel, Dean thought. 

“So, you’re ready to give me the angel, yet?” 

“How did you get Arathiel to work for you?” Crowley looked confused at him. “Ara…who? Sorry, no idea what you’re talking about. So”, he said as he clapped his hands, “ready or not?” 

“What do you want with him?”, Dean asked, desperately wishing for a weapon. 

“Tsk, tsk, tsk, that’s not how the game works”, Crowley said, shaking a finger in his direction. “If you’re not ready to deliver, I have to collect.” 

Dean narrowed his eyes. “You can try.” 

“Believe me, I will do more than that”, Crowley smiled. “See you soon”, he added and disappeared. 

A massive explosion followed. 

Dean flew through the room and landed hard on the floor. His head hurt, his world spun and all he could hear was the beating of his heart and the faint noise of a roaring fire. He tried to get up but was too dizzy to even make it to his knees. 

The next moment he got kicked into his gut. “Where is he?”, a demon snarled at him. 

Even if Dean wanted to answer he couldn’t because all the air had left his lungs. He coughed, spitting a bit blood. 

Dean frantically searched the room and luckily the blade he had earlier was lying right beside him. He grabbed it and swung it at the demon causing him to jump back. 

And then Sam was there. He ganked the demon with Ruby’s knife and whirled around. 

“What happened? How did they get in?”, he asked as he hurled Dean up on his feet. Cas was trying to extinguish the fire but he had little luck. 

And then there was the second demon. He attacked Cas and tried to knock him out but Cas dodged the hit. He pressed his hand against the demon’s face but again, nothing happened. 

Cas eyes widened in fear and anger and then the demon smacked him against the wall. Cas slumped down and the demon approached him again. Cas got up and suddenly had the angel blade in his hand. He killed the demon and came over to Sam and Dean. 

Dean was finally back on his feet and able to stand alone. 

“How did they get in?”, Cas asked, too. 

“Don’t know. Arathiel was here and then Crowley. I don’t know what happened.” 

“Arathiel? Does he work for Crowley?” 

“Crowley said he has no idea who Arathiel is.” 

They got interrupted by the arrival of three new demons and Crowley. 

“Hello boys. Ah, moose, you’re up. Did you receive my love? No? Well…”, he turned to Cas. “Cas. Convinced to come with me?” 

“I don’t think so”, Dean answered instead. 

Crowley shrugged, snipped his fingers and disappeared the moment his demons stormed forward. Dean wished for his purgatory weapon but all he had was that blade. 

It was three against three but the demons concentrated on Cas trying to grab and teleport him away. Dean and Sam tried to shield him from the demons but they were fierce in their attacks and Dean and Sam lost their ground really quickly. 

Cas was fighting, too, right beside them but Dean didn’t like it. He was what the demons wanted, he should be far far away. 

Dean got momentarily distracted by that thought and the demons got closer to Cas. They knocked the angel blade out of his hand but Sam was right there and ganked one of those bastards. 

Dean shoved Cas behind him. “Get out of here”, he yelled. 

Cas looked astonished at him but stumbled a few steps back. 

“What?”, he asked disbelieving. 

“They want you. You have to get away. Just zap out of here”, Sam panted as he kept one of the remaining two demons at bay. 

Cas made a step forward but Dean pushed him away again. “Just go.” 

He felt that Cas looked at him but he was too busy defending his own life. From the corner of his eye he saw how Cas disappeared. Finally.


	15. Chapter 15

Cas reappeared right outside the bunker. He had aimed for a place far away but it didn’t work. He tried again, concentrating on his strange powers but nothing happened. 

“Ah, ah, ah, trying to get away?” 

Cas turned around. Crowley was standing a few feet away from him, right behind a line of fire. 

Holy oil. 

Cas followed the line with his eyes and it seemed to go all the way around the bunker. Impressive. 

“You didn’t think I would let you get away, did you?” 

“Where did you get this amount of oil?” 

“I had some spare time. And some spare demons.” 

Cas quickly thought his options through. He could not fly away, he wasn’t able so smite Crowley, he wasn’t even able to reach Crowley, and he even lost the angel blade during the fight. 

But on the plus side Crowley would surely not enter the circle so he was momentarily safe. 

“I want you to share your little secret”, Crowley said. 

Cas squinted. “What secret?” 

“Your secret”, Crowley said, emphazising the first word.

“I don’t know what you mean.” Cas was still trying to find a solution to his current problem when Crowley spoke again. 

“Your life, you moron.” 

“My life?”, Cas asked, confused. “My life is not a secret.” 

“Oh really?” Crowley said as he started to walk up and down the line. “Well, let me elaborate. You survived the wrath of an archangel. Oh don’t give me that look, I do my research. Then Lucifer exploded you”, he hold out a second finger, “then you swallowed millions of souls, got possessed by the Leviathans and became part of a lake”, third finger, “you took on Sams’ little mental episode and overcame that”, fourth finger, “you made it back out of purgatory”, he waved his hand at Cas, “and finally you got killed by my demons.” 

“You set up that trap.” Because that was what it had been. The signs for that last case he helped the brothers with had pointed towards witch but there had been high-ranked demons and hellhounds. 

They had lost the fight so unbelievable quickly because they had been ill prepared and Cas could still hear how Deans’ arm broke and how Sams’ head got smacked against a stone and he remembered the pain he had felt as he got stabbed so often. 

And then there was the faint memory of Dean by his side, talking to him and then everything had gone black. Cas pushed the memories away. No was not the time. 

“Of course I did”, Crowley proudly said. “And I got finally rid of you. I watched as you died in the arms of your pathetic little hunter and now imagine my surprise when I heard you were still up and kicking. So tell me. How did you do that?” 

“I didn’t do anything”, Cas dismissively said. 

“You mean to tell me you have no idea how you always survive?” Crowley seemed not to believe him. Cas nodded once. 

He himself would like to know how he always ended up on earth, resurrected once more. He had no explanation for that. 

And it was not like he wanted to be brought back every time. 

“Mh, that’s a shame.” Crowley shrugged. “Well, I guess, I just have to dig into that pretty little head of yours. Thanks to Alfie I have some practice with that.” 

Cas clenched his fist when Crowley mentioned Samandriels’ name. 

“Why don’t you come in here and take me then?”, Cas challenged. 

“You think I’m that stupid? My demons will take care of that”, he pointed at the bunker and Cas turned around a bit. 

“They’re long dead.” 

“You sure about that, angel boy?”, Crowley smugly asked and snipped his fingers. One of the demons they fought before emerged from the bunker. “I would think again.” 

Cas felt worry creep up on him. If the demon was still alive then he had won the fight. And that meant Dean and Sam were….Rage boiled up in Cas, sudden and unexpected. 

“You”, he growled at the demon. “What have you done?” 

He teleported right in front of the demon and with a hand on his face he smacked him to the ground. 

“You can’t get it up. What do you want to do? Push him into the ground?” The demon under him laughed at Crowleys’ words. 

Cas didn’t even bother to answer. He reached for his power and they were there, strong and responsible, and he smote the demon in a matter of seconds. 

Then he turned round to Crowley but he was already gone. 

Cas teleported back into the bunker. It looked bad. The fire died but some of the chairs were broken and there was a lot of blood. 

He looked around, searching worriedly for a sign of Dean or Sam. A moan came from his right side and he strode over there. 

Dean was lying on the ground, head bloody and obviously quite out of it. Cas kneeled beside him. 

“Dean”, he said and reached for his powers again, when he did not respond. He concentrated on healing Dean but his grip on his powers faded quickly and he wasn’t able to use it like he wanted. Just like before when he couldn’t smite the demon. 

It was just enough to help the wound heal. Now it looked like it was at least two weeks old. Dean opened his eyes. 

“Cas, you have to go.” 

“No, Dean. The demons are dead.” 

Dean frantically shook his head. “There’s one left.” 

Now it was Cas turn to shake his head. “I killed him. They are all gone now.” 

Relive washed over Dean’s face before the panic came back. “Sam.” 

Cas nodded and helped Dean up. They searched the whole room and finally found a track of blood that lead into the hallway. 

They found Sam on the ground, one hand pressed to his chest, breathing heavily. And there was more blood beneath him. Dean rushed to his side and Cas followed close behind. 

“Sam. Sammy. Can you hear me?” Sam opened his eyes a bit. “I need you to move your hand”, Dean urged as Cas kneeled on Sams’ other side. 

Sam moved his hand to show his wound and Cas could tell that the injury was lethal. 

Deans’ eyes found his and he could tell that Dean knew too. “Cas, heal him,” Dean said, voice shaking a bit. 

Cas lowered his eyes. “I can try.” He laid his hand on Sams’ chest and concentrated but nothing happened. He could fell Deans’ eyes on him and he tried harder but still, nothing. 

“I’m sorry Dean. I can’t.” 

Dean grabbed his arm. “You can. You healed me too.” 

“And even that didn’t work right. I’m sorry Dean. I can’t.” He tried to recall the feeling of rage when he smote the demon but it wouldn’t come back. 

Dean clutched his arm tighter. “Please, Cas you have to”, Dean pleaded. 

Guilt and sorrow washed over Cas. What good was it that he was back when he couldn’t even heal a wound. He wasn’t of any use to Dean anymore. 

Sam had constantly lost more blood and he was really pale by now. 

“Dean, I’m so sorry”, he said again. Cas couldn’t even put in words how sorry he was because wasn’t this here his fault? Crowley wanted him and now it were, again, Dean and Sam who had to suffer. 

Cas dropped his gaze. “I’m sorry”, Cas whispered. 

Dean suddenly got agitated. “Cas, get out of here.” 

Cas gave a small nod. “I understand, Dean,” he said under his breath. It made sense that Dean didn’t want him here, if he couldn’t even repair the damage he had caused. 

He slowly got up and teleported away.


	16. Chapter 16

Dean looked up just to see how Cas vanished with a strange expression on his face, but he didn’t have time to mull over that because right now there was Sam to think of. 

Dean wanted to call out for Arathiel but when he blinked he looked into grey eyes. Arathiel was already there. 

“Give me some space”, he said and pushed against Deans’ hands. He put his hand flat over Sams’ wound and one second later it was gone. 

Sam opened his eyes. “Sam”, Dean said relieved and helped his brother up. 

“What happened? Where is Cas?” 

“The demons got us good. Cas had to leave so that Arathiel could heal you.” Sam nodded grateful in Arathiels’ direction. 

“Ok, thanks. But what exactly happened?” 

Dean turned to Arathiel. “I’d like to know that, too. Care to explain what you did here before we got attacked?” Arathiel took a step back. Dean took a really good look at him and he noticed that Arathiel looked…ruffled. He was pale and his suit wasn’t as neat as before. 

“I can’t explain. But it wasn’t me who broke that sigil.” Dean didn’t believe him. “I came to repair it, but Crowley was faster. I can show you which one is broken.”

“Yeah, why don’t you do that?” Dean asked and quickly went back into the main room to get the angel blade Cas had lost during the fight. 

He didn’t believe Arathiel one bit and Crowley was a good liar but he seemed too surprised by that name to actually lie at that moment. He went back to Sam and Arathiel and pointed the blade at him. 

“Why don’t you go on right ahead?” Arathiel eyed the blade wearily and sighed. 

“I am not your enemy, Dean.” 

“But you haven’t been a friend either.” Arathiel remained silent. 

“Why are you never showing up when Cas is here?”, Sam asked. 

Arathiel didn’t say a word. They stood there for a few more seconds, the brothers expecting an answer and Arathiel keeping his mouth shut. 

Finally Dean moved the blade in his direction. “Show us the sigil.” 

Arathiel nodded and started walking. They followed him through most of the bunker until he finally stopped. 

“It’s this one.” 

There was the faint outline of a sigil on the wall and they would never have found it, least of all noticed if one tiny line was missing, if Arathiel hadn’t showed it to them. 

“We have to redo them. All of them. We need to know where they all are.” 

They had found the angel sigils easy enough because they had been added later as the demon sigils. The angel sigils had also been painted on the wall, but they were still a deep black and easy to see. 

If the demon sigil in front of them was any indication they were way older than that. The paint was nearly gone and Dean agreed with his brother. They needed to know the location of all of them and redo them. 

Arathiel disappeared and came back with some black paint. 

“You better start right now”, he said as he handed them the cans. 

“And you better tell us next time if one of them is broken”, Sam said in return. 

Arathiel looked around, a haunted look on his face. “I will try,” he finally said. 

“Good”, Dean said harsher than was probably necessary. Arathiel looked at him and he seemed to notice something he had missed earlier. 

“You are hurt too”, he said to Dean. “Let me heal you.” 

Dean lifted his hand to his temple and felt the remnant of a wound. It went from his hairline down his temple to his cheek. The cut was already covered by scab and if Arathiel hadn’t said anything Dean wouldn’t have noticed. There was no pain. 

Deans’ thoughts raced but the only explanation he could think of was Cas. But if he was able to heal him why didn’t he heal Sam? On the other hand his wound didn’t heal completely, maybe Cas hadn’t enough power for that. 

Dean noticed that Arathiel was still looking at him expectantly and he shrugged. 

“It doesn’t hurt so you don’t have to.” 

Arathiel just stepped forward and moved his fingers over the wound. Dean felt it tingling and when he scratched there was nothing left. 

“Thanks”, he said and Arathiel vanished again. Dean sighed and grabbed one of the cans. “We better get started then.” 

Sam took the paint from his hands. 

“Why don’t you start in the main room? I can do that here.”

“Okay.” Dean went back into the living room, taking in everything that needed fixing. Two chairs were broken, the fire did a lot of damage to the table and the carpet, the explosion tore half he kitchen interior away and there was a lot of blood. 

Dean sighed again and rolled his sleeves up. This would take a while. 

At the end of the day the room looked like a room again. Sam entered came in, paint all over his hands. 

Dean threw the beer he had saved from the refrigerator in his direction and Sam caught it. 

“Did you get all the sigils?” Dean asked as Sam looked around the living room and the kitchen and nodded, pleased with what he saw. 

Then he shrugged. “I don’t know. Cas can tell us when he comes back.” He took a seat beside Dean. “Where is he by the way.” 

Now it was Dean’s time to shrug. “Don’t know. But he should be back soon.” Sam nodded and they drank their beer in comfortable silence.

 

Dean kept himself busy with the kitchen the next few days but it did nothing to help him over the fact that Cas did not come back. 

It had been four days since the demon incident and there was no sign of him. Every day Dean got more and more worried. What if Crowley had finally gotten to him? What if he was hurt and needed help? It killed Dean not to know where he was and how he was doing. 

And of course the nightmares were back. He couldn’t do anything about it, they just came back will all might and since Cas was missing again he hadn’t slept through one night. 

He even started praying again though he wasn’t sure if Cas could still hear him. He had started with asking Cas to come back and on the fifth day he started something that was very close to begging but Cas still didn’t show. 

On the sixth day he just prayed that Cas was alright. He got no answer.


	17. Chapter 17

He couldn’t shut Dean out. He had always been able to shut down the ‘angel-radio’ but he could never tune out Dean. So he heard every one of Deans’ prayers. 

“Cas, if you can’t come back here, just let me know that you’re alright.” A pause. “Please be alright.” 

Cas wished he wouldn’t have to listen to that but he couldn’t help to close his eyes and concentrate on Dean’s voice. He sounded tired and pained and Cas suspected that the nightmares were back. Dean never prayed during the day.

Cas tried not to think too much about the fact that he had let Dean down. Again. And he didn’t understand why Dean would pray to him. There was nothing Cas could do for Dean anymore and it made no sense that he would want Cas to come back. 

Cas was constantly on the move, never staying at one place too long and so far no demons had found him. When Dean prayed to him on the eight day he was in Brazil. 

“Cas, I…I understand….It’s okay if you don’t want to be here. Really, I get that ….you probably have to take care of your own things and can’t waste your whole time on us…but…please, I need to know if you’re okay. I need….” Dean swallowed. “Please Cas. Just let me know that you’re fine.” 

Cas couldn’t bear the pain in Deans voice and finally he teleported into Deans’ room. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, facing the chair. 

“Hello Dean”, Cas said. Dean whirled around. He quickly moved his eyes over Cas and then he got up. 

“You son of a bitch. Where have you been?” Cas was taken aback when he heard the fury in Dean’s voice. He shouldn’t have come. 

“I ran from Crowley. Trying to stay one step ahead of him”, Cas defensively said. 

Dean instantly changed to being worried. “You’re not hurt, are you?” 

“No, I’m fine. How…” Cas didn’t dare to finish the sentence. Dean looked quizzically at him and Cas swallowed. “How’s Sam?” 

He feared Deans’ answer but he just smiled. “He’s fine Cas.” 

“Good. That is good.” 

“Cas if you were on the run from Crowley why didn’t you come here? We fixed the sigils. You would be safe here now.” 

Cas frowned. He didn’t understand what Dean meant. “Dean, I can’t do anything for you anymore. Why do you keep on praying to me?” 

“Wh—because you went missing! And the king of hell is still looking for you. I was worried.” 

This confused Cas even more. “Why would you worry? I wasn’t able to help you, I let you down when you needed my help, when Sam needed my help, and you told me to leave.” 

Dean jerked back. “I did…Cas! What are you thinking? I told you to leave so Arathiel could heal Sam. He made it very clear that he can’t do anything if you’re around. I didn’t want you to leave for over a week without a fucking note!”

Cas blinked. He didn’t quite grasp the meaning of what Dean had just said. 

“I…don’t understand. I’m not useful to you anymore. I thought you noticed that.” 

Dean sighed and sat back down on the bed. “When do you finally understand?” he murmured. “I don’t care if you’re useful to me”, Dean went on, voice now strong and sure. “It’s not about your powers, you idiot. It’s about you staying for once. It’s not important if you can smite demons or heal wounds. It’s about you!” 

Cas tilted his head. “But Sam seemed more than happy when I said I could smite demons.” 

“Of course! It comes in handy when someone can do that. But that is not the most important part. We can do without your powers just fine. Did it before we met you, for years, actually.” 

“But why would you want me to stay then? What would you gain from that?” 

Dean shook his head. “You really don’t get it, do you? You’re family, Cas. We don’t want you to hang around because we could use you when we fight but because we care about you. We’re worried when you’re not here.” 

“You mean you’re worried. Because I didn’t hear Sam pray.” 

Dean got up again. “So you heard all of my prayers? And it took you a week to respond?” Dean’s voice was filled with anger once again. 

“I thought you didn’t want to see me after what happened”, Cas defensively answered. 

“You heard my prayers and didn’t think I wanted to see you?” Dean said disbelieving. “How could you hear my prayers and think that?” 

Cas took a step back. “I just don’t understand you. You’re contradicting yourself. Always. It’s so confusing for me.” 

“And how exactly am I contradicting myself?” Dean expectantly opened his hands. 

“You’re angry with me when I’m there and try to fix something and when I leave your also angry. And then you tell me to leave and days later you start to pray for me to come back and are angry when I do. It makes no sense.” 

“First of all I didn’t tell you to leave I just wanted you to make room for Arathiel so that doesn’t count. And I’m angry with you because you don’t have to fix things on your own. You just have to stay, for Gods’ sake. Or at least don’t pop off without telling us where too.” 

Cas tensed. “So you mean I’m welcome to stay?” 

Dean slumped and let out his breath. “Of course you’re welcome to stay. You are always welcome here.” 

Cas hesitated but finally he spoke up again. “Then I would very much like to stay.” 

He felt a lot of tension fall off of him with that sentence. He hadn’t even realized that Dean’s rejection had bothered him so much but now he felt relieved.


	18. Chapter 18

Dean didn’t dare to look at Cas after he confirmed that he was welcome to stay because he was afraid of the answer. What if Cas didn’t want to stay? What if he just left again?

“Then I would very much like to stay”, Cas said lowly.

Dean felt relieve wash over him. Thank God. He looked back at Cas and now he noticed how tired and spent he looked.

“Cas, when was the last time you slept?”

Cas looked like he tried to remember. “I think I slept one or two hours in Spain. I’m not sure.”

“In Spain…”

“I had to hide. I changed my position frequently so Crowley wouldn’t catch up.”

“And you didn’t sleep. Did you at least eat?” Cas laid a hand on his stomach and Dean was almost sure he heard it grumble. “Ok, I take that as a no. Let’s fix you something.”

He ushered Cas out of his door but he protested. “Dean you barely slept yourself. You should go to sleep. I can fix my own food.”

“Yeah? And how would you know if I slept? You weren’t here. And the kitchen is mine, so I will make you something.”

They arrived at the kitchen and Dean seated Cas at the table, then he busied himself getting all the things together he needed for a decent burger.

“I know because I heard your prayers. Please Dean, let me at least help you.” Cas was already moving to get up but Dean put a hand on his shoulder and pushed him down.

“Cas just …just let me do this, okay? Please?” he held Cas gaze until he, finally, nodded. Dean turned back to the oven and got the meat into a pan.

“The nightmares are back, aren’t they?” Dean pretended not to hear and concentrated on the meat.

“Dean…” Cas started but Dean interrupted him. “So, Arathiel showed us the demon sigils and we repainted them, but Sam isn’t sure he got all of them. If you could take a look at them tomorrow?”

Dean could practically hear how Cas frowned but finally he said: “Of course.”

“Great”, Dean said as he put the burger together. He turned around, only to find Cas staring at him intensely. He put the burger in front of him. “Eat up”, Dean said.

“Thank you”, Cas said as he started eating. Dean watched him, content that he seemed to like it. Cas was a careful eater, he took his time even though he had to be starving. Dean watched how Cas finished the whole burger and then leaned back.

“What are you dreaming about?” he asked, much to Dean’s dismay obviously unable to let the topic go. “What is so horrible to you that you wake up?”

Dean forced himself to smile. “Have you seen my life? What is there that doesn’t cause me nightmares?”

“But you never woke up. I know that you have a lot of nightmares, but usually you sleep through.”

“And there it is again. How many times did you watch me?”

Cas shuffled uneasy. “Often.” Before Dean could speak up he rushed on. “But I only watched your dreams in the beginning. I thought it would help me understand you. But it didn’t really and you seemed not to like it so I stopped.”

“Have you watched one since…you came back?” Dean asked, afraid of the answer.

“I…I wanted to but I didn’t. I know you wouldn’t like it so I didn’t.” Cas watched his hands and didn’t meet Deans’ eyes, so Dean suspected that he had caught a glimpse of his dreams at least once but he couldn’t really be angry with him.

Cas was very obviously worried about him.

He rubbed his face. “What did you see?”

Cas looked apologetic at him. “I didn’t want to. I’m sorry. It was just a moment.”

“What did you see?” Dean repeated.

“I was there”, Cas started, eyes now cast down again. “And there was blood and you were so afraid.” He swallowed. “I’m really sorry, Dean.”

Dean sighed. “It’s fine, Cas. It’s…I get it. You were worried.”

“But I shouldn’t have. I invaded your privacy

He had indeed but Dean just couldn’t find it in him to be angry about that.

For once he didn’t wanted to be angry with Cas. He just wanted to enjoy the fact that he was there and no immediate threat hung over them.

However long that might last.

Additional to that he was still afraid that Cas might just leave again. Dean hadn’t even noticed that he touched the mark it only occurred to him when he followed Cas’ stare.

“Dean, we have to talk about that”, Cas reluctantly said.

“Yeah? And why is that?”, Dean said in a nonchalant tone as he got up and started cleaning up.

He didn’t want to talk about serious things tonight. He just wanted to go to bed, knowing that Cas would be there when he woke up. No need to discuss the mark, which was now as black as before.

“Because”, Cas started as he got up, “my grace wouldn’t do that. Actually, no grace would ever burn into something living. The grace is pure creation. It doesn’t destroy.”

“It seemed to burn out Pamela’s eyes pretty nicely.”

“That wasn’t the grace. That was my true form. Those are two different, and separate, things. You can see my grace, occasionally, when I’m hurt for example. That doesn’t burn out your eyes. It never would. It would never hurt anything that is alive.”

“So what are you saying, hm?”, Dean asked as he turned around, a bit startled by the fact that Cas was standing right behind him. “That we’re back to good old famine days when I was dead inside?” Because he sure as hell did not want to remember that.

“I don’t know. Let me…can I see it, please?”

Dean instinctively pulled at the hem of his shirt, forcing it further down but when Cas looked at him he changed his mind.

“Fine, whatever”, he said as he pushed the sleeve up to uncover the whole mark.

Now that Cas was back Dean could finally admit that it hold a strange kind of beauty. It covered nearly his whole shoulder and a good part of his biceps and it even went down a bit of his back. If you looked carefully you could actually see all of the tiny feathers and the lines that distinguished them.

It even was a bit higher than the rest of his skin so you could feel every line of it.

Cas reluctantly lifted a hand and shyly moved a finger over a few of the feathers. Dean closed his eyes at the contact and shuddered a bit.

No one ever touched the mark. No one besides him. And he just ever clutched at it, never touching it so …gingerly.

“So this happened when I died?”, Cas asked as he pulled Dean’s sleeve back down.

Dean nodded. “I held you, I…had you in my arms when you died”, Dean muttered, still not feeling comfortable at all with this memory. “You don’t remember, do you? Sam said something like that.”

“I do. Now. It started to come back”, Cas said with a slight frown. “So this happened the exact moment I died? It didn’t manifest later?”

“No. Your grace exploded and it was there. Why?”

“I’m…not sure. What did you feel in that moment?”

Dean snorted. “You’re kidding right? You just died in my arms! There were a whole lot of feelings at that moment.” Grief, terror, guilt, loss. And these were only the most prominent ones.

Dean moved around Cas to get to the fridge. He definitely needed a beer. And so much for light night talk.

He turned the cap off and flicked it into the sink when he caught Cas gaze. It was full of emotions and Dean couldn’t name all of them. He swallowed and looked at his beer again. “I’m so sorry Dean.”

“For what exactly? Dying? Or coming back?” Dean asked bitterly. Cas seemed taken aback by that.

“Why would I ever feel sorry for coming back to you?”

Dean shrugged. “Well, you once said being resurrected is like a punishment for you. And you wanted to stay in purgatory so….”, he trailed off.

“It’s not like that anymore. I told you, I would come back to you.”

Dean looked at Cas again. It was good to hear that Cas didn’t regarded being alive a punishment anymore. “Then what are you apologizing for?”

“For putting you through this. I know it was hard on you. Sam told me. And I’m sorry for that.”

Dean inwardly rolled his eyes. This guy always had to apologize for something. “Don’t” Dean said while shaking his head. “Just don’t, okay? Stop with apologizing every time something happens that is really out of your control.”

Cas frowned at that but finally nodded.

“Okay can we go to bed then?” Dean eyed the clock. 3:21. “’Cause I’m really tired.”

“Just one more thing.” Dean sighed. Wasn’t there always just one more thing?

“What?” Cas pointed at his shoulder. “Did it ever change?”

“It did actually. It got lighter. More grey than black.”

“But it is black now.”

“I know.”

“What happened?” 

“I don’t know. It’s your grace that did this. You tell me.”

Cas sounded unnerved when he answered. “Like I said, something like that never happened before.”

“Yeah, yeah, I heard you. Let’s just worry about that tomorrow okay? Time to go to sleep.”

“I think I’ll just…” Cas started and moved a hand in the general direction of their living room.

“Oh, no you won’t”, Dean said. “You look horrible and tired and you will sleep too.” Dean’s voice was firm and just like he had ushered Cas into the kitchen he now shooed him back into his room.

“Need anything else?” he asked, leaning in the doorframe.

“No, Dean, I’m fine.”

“Good”, Dean said and turned around to finally get some sleep.

“Dean?”, Cas called him back, just before he could close the door.

“Yes?”, he peeked his head back into the room.

“Thank you, Dean. For everything.”

Dean gently smiled at Cas. “You’re welcome, Cas. Now get some rest. Good night.”

He pulled the door close bet he heard the faint “Good night, Dean” from Cas. Dean still smiled when his head hit his own pillow and he fell asleep almost immediately.


	19. Chapter 19

Hey faithful readers. Sorry that I missed the last two updates but I was on holiday and had no internet. So here are two chapters and I hope you forgive me

 

The next few weeks were pretty quiet. All three of them settled really down in the bunker and found their favorite places and they worked out how to live with each other. 

While Dean was totally in charge of the kitchen and cleaning duties Sam and Cas had started organizing all the things they found. 

During one of their tours through the bunker they had found three storage rooms full of boxes and books and since Cas was still able to speak all languages they had decided to develop a system for all the stuff. 

Dean himself found it pretty relaxing to sit in the same room and read a book, listening to the occasional arguments Sam and Cas had over some particular book or sword. 

The three of them even went hunting a few times but it was nothing major. They didn’t catch a glimpse of Crowley or any other demon for that matter. 

Dean was concerned in the beginning, he really didn’t want Cas out in the field but after the angel knew that his powers were limited he relayed on good old hand to hand combat and Dean hat to admit, he was good. 

He was still stronger than any human, he was fast and he knew where to hit, so after the first hunt Den pushed his worries aside and was just happy that it seemed to do Cas some good, helping them with things. 

He became livelier and Dean noticed that whenever Sam asked Cas for help with a translation and he, of course, could, he seemed particularly pleased. 

Deans’ nights were back to normal, sleeping like always, with the occasional nightmare but Cas was there and now they sometimes even talked during the nights. 

Dean held a close watch on Cas, for once because he still worried a bit about him and second because he liked to see him smile every now and then. 

And that was the only reason he noticed the subtle change in Cas’ behavior. 

It started slowly, Cas stopped answering questions as eagerly as he had before, he never spoke up if he wasn’t addressed and he became pale. 

Additional to that he retreated himself more and more and often Dean found him sitting in a chair, curled up in himself, just staring into thin air. 

Dean didn’t know what happened and whenever he asked Cas he got no real answer. Just a meaningless reply. 

Dean didn’t want to take him out on hunts anymore but Cas would hear nothing of it and since Dean couldn’t come up with a real reason he was coming along. 

This hunt didn’t went as good as the others. 

It was not Cas fault, he still fought like before, it was just a really nasty shapeshifter who had a thing for claws. 

They eventually ganked it but all three of them had been hurt. They all had received massive gashes and required stitches. 

Sam was hurt the most and Dean took care of him first. He guided him into the infirmary and told Cas what to get for him. 

Dean removed Sam’s shirt carefully which wasn’t easy since it already clung to the wound. He got a wet cloth and soaked the already dry blood so he could get rid of the shirt. 

Sam didn’t utter a sound but his jaw was firmly set and Dean could see a vein pulse at his throat. The cut went down his whole torso and the shifter had sunk its’ claw into his side, so there were five holes he had to fix. 

The cut on the chest was still bleeding violently and Dean hurried up to put some pressure on it. It was deep and Dean hoped that no muscles were injured. 

Cas had finally gotten everything Dean needed and he thought for a split second that he should probably teach Cas how to stitch up a wound but Sam’s injury was too deep and Dean had to hurry up. It was not optimal to show Cas how to stitch up a wound while doing it on him but he had no other choice. 

He started cleaning the gash on the chest and stitched it up. Then he concentrated on the holes. He inspected them carefully but luckily they weren’t deep. 

“I don’t think he hit any organs.” 

“Good”, Sam said, voice pressed, since he still held his jaw shut. 

“I’m going to put some bandages on.” Sam nodded and Dean started working. When he was done he sent him to his room. “Go get some rest.” 

Sam frowned. “You and Cas also need stitches.” 

“Yeah, we can manage. You lost a lot of blood. Just go recover, okay?” Sam shot him a doubtful look but finally he went into his room. 

Dean turned to Cas. “You ever stitched someone up?” 

Cas shook his head. Just like Dean had thought. “I always just…healed.” 

Dean could tell that it was eating at Cas that he wasn’t able to heal them all but that was how it was now and Cas really needed to learn how to cope with that. 

“Okay, then you will take your first lesson now.” He motioned at Cas’ shirt. “Take it off. Show me your cut.” 

Cas had a deep gash on his upper arm, which definitely required some treatment. 

Dean tried to concentrate on the wound but he couldn’t help to notice that it was the first time he saw Cas shirtless. And he had to admit he looked good. Not at all lean and slender but muscular. His skin had a light tone and was flawless, there were no scars.

Well, up to now. The wound on the arm will probably scar, Dean thought and got himself together. He had to work. 

“Is that he only place you’re hurt?”, Dean asked as he got the floss and the needle he needed. 

“Yes.” 

“Good.” He turned back around. “I need you to pay close attention because you have to stitch up the cut on my back. I can’t reach it.” 

Cas eyes widened a bit but he nodded. “I will try.” 

“I’ll explain how you have to do it. Don’t worry. It will be fine.” 

“Can’t Sam do it?”, Cas asked and Dean could almost feel Cas’ worry. 

“No. Didn’t you see him just now? He was barely able to walk into his room. I would rather not let him work on my back.” 

“And then you would let me do it?”, Cas asked disbelieving. “Even in this state your brother would probably do a better job than me.” 

“No, he wouldn’t. I trust you, Cas, you will do just fine.” 

Cas swallowed and nodded again. “Okay. Show me.” 

Dean let out the breath he had held and approached Cas with the needle. 

Cas visibly paled and moved away from Dean. 

“Cas, what is it?” 

Cas closed his eyes and put a hand on his head. “I don’t know…the needle…” he weakly said and swayed a bit. 

“Cas?” Dean asked, putting a hand on his shoulder to steady him. “Cas look at me.” 

Cas slowly opened his eyes and met Dean’s gaze. Dean could very clearly see the fear in his blue eyes and he felt the slight tremble under his hand but he didn’t understand where it came from. 

He gently laid the needle back on the table and Cas followed his movement and when he retreated his hand Cas relaxed a little. 

Dean’s thoughts raced. Cas was obviously afraid of the needle but Dean wondered why. It was not like Cas ever had to deal with being stitched up. 

Dean eyed the wound. It was still bleeding slowly and it definitely needed to be stitched up. So did the one on his back. He had to get Cas through this. 

“Cas why are you afraid of the needle?” 

Dean could almost see how something in Cas snapped shut. “I’m not”, he responded. “I’m fine.” 

“Yeah, right. That totally looked like fine.” 

“I am”, Cas said determined and met Dean’s eyes again. There was no trace of the fear he just saw. There was no trace of any emotion in those eyes now. 

“Let’s proceed”, he said and motioned at the needle. “Show me what to do.” His voice was firm and didn’t falter so Dean picked it up again but he eyed Cas carefully. 

If he would show another sign of fear he would certainly get Cas to talk right now. But nothing happened so Dean started his work on the cut and explained everything to Cas. 

He seemed to grasp the concept very quickly and when Dean was finally done he nodded. “I can do that.” 

“I hope so”, Dean answered and quickly bandaged his wound. Then he started to remove his shirt, which wasn’t easy because a lot of the blood had already dried and it hurt like a bitch to rip it off. 

Cas had put his own shirt back on and then he came over to help Dean. He inhaled sharply when the cut was finally visible. “That looks really bad.” 

Dean hissed as he pulled his shirt over his head. “You don’t say. Think you can stitch it back together?” 

Cas didn’t answer and when Dean turned around he saw that he was staring at his burn mark.

Dean didn’t even have to look down to know what Cas saw. The mark was nearly gone. 

It had started to fade two or three weeks ago, and now it was barely visible. It was a very light grey, almost fading into his skin. 

Cas extended his hand but stopped before he touched it. Finally he put just a finger on it. 

“It’s nearly gone.” He clenched his other hand into a fist. “Why didn’t you tell me that it changed?” 

Dean shrugged but regretted that decision instantly since it hurt his back. “I always forgot”, he vaguely answered but truth was he hadn’t wanted to worry Cas. He obviously had something on his mind and Dean didn’t want to cause him any more trouble. 

And he was right given the fact how shaken Cas looked. “Cas why is it so important? You said it shouldn’t have burned into me in the first place, so this is something good right?” 

Cas looked positively grief-stricken and like he was about to break down. Dean took a step forward and grabbed his shoulders. He had started to hyperventilate. 

“Cas, calm down. Breath.” Cas just shook his head. He was still staring at the mark. 

Dean forced his head up. “Look at me.” He waited until Cas finally lifted his eyes. Dean felt himself slightly panic because he didn’t know what was causing Cas’ strong reaction but he forcefully calmed himself down. Cas needed him right now. 

“Okay”, he said as Cas eyes met his. “Now you’re going to breath with me.” He waited for any kind of response from Cas, who nodded sharply. 

Dean started to breath, exaggerating each breath so that Cas could match his rhythm. It took them nearly five minutes but finally Cas was able to breath properly without Dean. 

Dean reluctantly took a step back. ”You okay now?” He was ready to step back in any second but Cas nodded. 

“I apologize. I don’t know what happened.” 

“Bullshit. Of course you know what happened. And you will tell me now.” 

Cas took a step back and busied himself with preparing the needle. “You have a theory about it, don’t you?”, Dean asked. 

Cas stilled for a few seconds. Then he laughed, low and bitter. “It’s stupid and you wouldn’t like it and we should just take care of your back.” 

“Cas, talk to me.” 

“Turn around, Dean.” 

“Cas”, Dean pleaded but Cas was stubborn and turned him around. On the shoulder that wasn’t marked, Dean noticed. 

“What does it mean?”, Dean asked, unwilling to let the topic go. 

“It means that you no longer need me”, Cas whispered barely audible. 

Before Dean could ask what that was supposed to mean Cas started sewing his back up and Dean was too busy breathing through the pain to have a discussion with Cas. 

Cas worked fast but thoroughly and when he was done and Dean took a look at his back, he whistled. It was very good work. 

“You learned fast”, Dean praised him but Cas just nodded and bandaged Dean, careful not to touch his bare skin. 

Dean wanted to continue their conversation but when Cas was done he said: ”I’m tired. I think I will retreat and get some sleep”, and then he walked out of the infirmary. 

Dean felt the urge to push something but instead he just sighed deeply and started cleaning everything up. 

After that Cas just got worse. He was flinching at noises, he seemed afraid of certain colors and he recoiled from every touch. 

It had been a fight to replace the bandages and Dean had to coax Cas into getting the stitches removed. It took him nearly the whole afternoon. 

He tried to do it as gently as he could, trying not to hurt or touch Cas too much and he thought he did good but after he was done, Cas fled into his room without another word. 

Dean noticed that Cas wasn’t sleeping at all and he barely ate. He had a sandwich or two a day but only if Dean was forcing him to eat. 

Additional to that Cas started to randomly teleport out of the bunker. 

Dean had no idea where he flew off to but Cas always returned within the hour and he never looked hurt or like he had been in a fight. Dean was still afraid that Crowley would get to him if he leaved their demon proof home but up to now this seemed not to be the case. 

It hurt Dean to see how scared Cas was and how he slowly faded but he couldn’t for the love of all that was good figure out what was wrong with him.


	20. Chapter 20

Sam’s wound had, of course, festered. And Dean had been wrong, at least one muscle was severely hurt because he wasn’t able to move his right arm properly. 

Dean sighed heavily as he removed the bandages. “This doesn’t look good”, he finally said. “You have to call Arathiel, this needs healing.” 

Sam winced as he laid back against the headboard. “You think he will come? He didn’t show up until now.” 

“We have to try. If he doesn’t come you have to go to a doctor.” 

Sam nodded. “Alright. I’ll try.” 

Dean gathered all the bandages and moved to leave the room. “I’ll make sure Cas doesn’t come in.” He looked at the bandages in his hands. “Though I’m pretty sure he won’t move anyway.” 

Sam wanted to say something but a visible jerk went through Dean. “Tell Arathiel he can show up more often.” He quickly smiled at Sam and left the room. 

Sam had seen Cas twice since the last hunt and it had shocked him how bad he looked. It seemed like something was eating away at him and even though Dean had tried to play it down Sam could tell that he was worried out of his mind. 

Sam wished he could help him but he was busy keeping his own strength together. 

He had little hope that Arathiel would show up, he already had enough chances to but never did. 

Sam closed his eyes and called for Arathiel, even though he didn’t believe he would show up. Mostly he did it for Dean’s sake. He was busy enough with Cas, he didn’t need to also take care and worry about him. 

So he prayed to Arathiel. “Arathiel, if you can hear me, I really need your help and…” 

“I know. I’m here”, his prayer got interrupted. 

Sam opened his eyes and sure enough Arathiel was standing at his bed. 

“If you know why didn’t you show up earlier?” 

Arathiel looked around, haunted, and Sam noticed that he looked pale and he held himself like he was hurt. 

What was it with the angels these days? Sam thought. 

Arathiel hesitated a moment longer but finally he answered. “My orders changed. I’m only allowed to show up if you call. I’ve been waiting for you to pray.” 

Sam rolled his eyes. Angels and their stupid orders. 

Arathiel came up to him and put the usual two fingers to Sams’ forehead and immediately Sam was healed. He looked at his torso and it was as good as new and his arm responded like it should. 

“Thank you.” 

“You’re welcome”, Arathiel said and he sounded strained. 

Sam frowned. “Arathiel, what is up? Why did your orders change?” 

Arathiel looked scared. “Don’t ask. Please.” He tilted his head and listened to something. “You have to go and help him. Castiel…you have to help your brother”, Arathiel rushed out before he disappeared again. 

Now Sam could hear shouting and how something broke. He rushed out of his room and into the living room and was shocked by what he saw. 

Cas was pressed against the bookshelf, throwing everything he could grasp at Dean, who was standing in the middle of the room, hands raised in defense. 

“Cas, please, it’s me.” Sam held a close watch at Cas who was pale and sweating and violently shaking. 

Sam moved into Deans’ sight, now noticing that blood dripped from his temple and there was also blood on his arm where he had been cut. He looked back at Cas and now he saw the angel blade his hand had in a tight grip. 

“What happened?”, he whispered, not wanting to disturb Cas any further. 

Despite the situation he was in, Sam saw relief wash over Deans’ face as he slightly turned his head to look at his brother. Bit it lasted only a brief moment and then his emotions were back to worry and concern. Sam could even see a glimpse of fear in his brothers’ eyes. 

“I don’t know. I came into the room to tell him that he should stay here and he totally freaked. He screamed at me to go away, that he didn’t want to do it again, that I should let him go and then he started throwing things, and I have no idea where he got the angel blade and I don’t know what to do”, Dean rushed out, voice pressed. 

“Why don’t you back up and let me try?”, Sam whispered and Dean nodded intently. 

He slowly went backwards and retreated into the kitchen. Sam could tell that he stood still close to the door, ready to jump in whenever Cas decided to attack Sam. 

Sam turned his attention to Cas. 

He mimicked his brother and lifted his hands to show that he wasn’t going to attack Cas. When Dean had left the room Cas had slumped against the shelf now panting heavily. 

“Cas”, Sam softly said. Cas’ eyes snapped to him and Sam could tell that he was scared to death. “Cas, why don’t you let go of the blade?”, Sam said wearily. 

He tried not to move or to raise his voice afraid that it might scare Cas again. Cas lowered his gaze and looked incredulous at the blade in his hand. 

Sam got the impression that he had no idea how it go in his hands in the first place. 

Cas opened his hand with a sharp breath and the blade fell to the ground followed by Cas, whose knees seemed to give in. 

“Cas”, Sam said again, relieved that at least that threat was gone. He slowly moved closer to Cas but he didn’t seem to notice. 

“Cas I’m going to come closer, please don’t throw anything at me.” 

Cas still didn’t respond and Sam approached him. Sam heard Dean move behind him and Cas definitely saw him because he tensed up all over again. 

Sam turned his head. “Dean go away”, he snapped and felt instantly bad, because Dean’s eyes were wide and he could see that he was worried. “Please, Dean let me deal with this”, he said and after a long last look at the trembling Cas he finally left. 

Sam turned back to Cas. “Shh, it’s okay. He’s not here anymore.” Cas slowly looked at Sam. “See? It’s me. I’m not going to hurt you.” 

Something in that sentence seemed to trigger another memory or feeling in Cas because he let out a little sob and buried his head in his arms. “I don’t want to do it again. Please! Please, make it stop! Don’t make me hurt him again. Please, please, don’t make me. Leave me alone!”, Cas nearly sobbed, voice broken. 

Sam’s heart clenched at the pure terror in Cas’ voice. “Shh, Cas, it’s okay, you don’t have to do anything. No one makes you do anything.” 

“She’ll know if I don’t do it, she’ll know”, Cas whispered, voice thick with fear. 

Sam wondered who that ‘she’ Cas was talking about was, but first he had to calm him down. 

“No, she won’t Cas. She’s not here and you are safe here. She can’t enter.” 

Sam carefully laid a hand on Cas arm, ready to retreat it whenever Cas showed another sign of distress but he didn’t. Sam could feel the trembling and he wasn’t sure what to do. 

“Who don’t you want to hurt, Cas?”, he asked. Maybe if he knew what exactly was happening, he could calm him down. 

But that definitely was the wrong approach because Cas tried to make himself even smaller which was hardly possible because he already resembled a ball. 

“Okay, okay, you don’t have to talk. Just calm down. Dean’s gone and she is not here.” 

Cas sobbed again. “Don’t make me hurt him. I don’t want to hurt him anymore.” 

Sam frowned. So this was somehow about Dean. But that still didn’t tell Sam anything about the mysterious woman. 

“I’m not going to make you hurt him. You don’t have to hurt anyone.” 

Cas slowly lifted his head and stared at him with wide eyes. 

“I’m not going to make you hurt anyone. You don’t have to hurt anyone”, Sam repeated. “I promise. You’re safe here.” 

Cas took several deep breaths and finally nodded. 

“Good.” Sam let go of a relieved breath. At least Cas was looking at him now and the trembling got weaker and weaker. 

“Why don’t we move you over to your room?” 

“Why?” Cas asked, fear and suspicion in his voice. 

“You need to rest. You look horrible, Cas.” 

Cas tensed again. “I don’t want to be alone.” 

It scared Sam to see Cas this frightened. “That’s okay. I will stay with you.” 

Cas seemed to think that over and then he agreed. “Okay,” Sam said as he got up.

He helped Cas up, because he wasn’t very secure on his own feet. Then Sam gently guided him to his room, hoping that Dean would be smart and stay away and luckily he didn’t catch a glimpse of him. 

When they reached Cas’ room, Sam made sure that every light was lit, since he didn’t know how Cas would react to darkness. Cas entered his room slowly looking at every corner obviously making sure that no one was there. 

“She’s not here, Cas.” 

Cas nodded slowly. “Yeah, I know.” 

Sam wasn’t sure he really did but he just shrugged. “Okay, why don’t you get ready for bed and I quickly grab you some food?” 

Cas hesitated for a moment but then he agreed. “I think I would like that”, he lowly said, resting a hand on his stomach. 

“Good. Don’t go anywhere, I’ll be right back.” Sam hurried into the kitchen, trying to remember what the fridge could offer but that was Dean’s territory, so he just hoped he would find some bread. 

But when he reached the kitchen he was surprised by Dean who leaned against the counter, a plate with two sandwiches next to him. Sam stared at him for a few moments. 

“I thought he would like to eat something. I made his favorite ones.” 

Sam could tell that Dean was tense and he reassuringly smiled at him. 

“Thank you. He’ll like them.” 

“How is he?”, Dean reluctantly asked. 

“He calmed down and agreed to sleep. Other than that? No idea.” He could tell that Dean wanted to know more but Sam didn’t want to leave Cas for too long so he went and grabbed the plate. “Let’s talk when he’s asleep. He doesn’t want to be alone.” 

Dean nodded but it was forced. The Sam noticed the blood that was still at Dean’s temple. “You should go and clean that up”, Sam said and pointed at the wound. Deans’ hand came up, like he hadn’t even noticed that he was hurt. “I’ll get you when he’s asleep. I promise.” 

Dean nodded slightly. “Okay”, he whispered. 

Sam turned around to go back but Dean held him back. “Just…take care of him.” 

Sam could tell that Dean hated the fact that he couldn’t take care of Cas himself but that he also trusted Sam with this. Which meant a lot to Sam. 

“I will.” Dean finally let go of Sam and he rushed back into Cas room and made it just in them to see how Cas emerged from the bathroom. Sam had to admit that Cas looked a bit better now and he was sure that food and sleep would further add to that. 

He lifted the plate. “I got you some food.” He slowly approached Cas, not wanting to scare him again and handed him the plate. Cas took it and sat down on his bed before he took a bite. 

“Dean made these”, he said in a small, sad voice though his face softened. 

“Yes”, Sam agreed. 

“I hurt him”, Cas said and looked down on the sandwich in his hands. 

“Cas”, Sam said as he went closer to him. “He’ll live. And you didn’t know what you were doing.” 

Cas met his eyes, desperation in them. “I knew what I was doing. I didn’t want to do it but I knew. And I just couldn’t stop.” 

“Why couldn’t you?”, Sam asked concerned. 

“I don’t know. There was this part of me that… I don’t know. It felt natural for this part to k…do this.” Sam was pretty sure Cas had wanted to say ‘kill Dean’. 

“But you fought it.” 

Cas smiled sadly. “Barely. The other part didn’t like my resistance.” 

“But that’s good.” Cas questioningly looked at him. “If there’s a part that doesn’t want to hurt Dean you have to hold on to that.” 

Cas shook his head, scared. “I don’t think I can.” 

“But you did already.” 

“No, I hurt him.” 

“You threw things at him to make him go away. I think he can live with that.” 

“But I had the angel blade.” 

“And you didn’t use it. Look, Cas, I know this must be hard on you but you did your best there. I saw you and you tried very hard not to hurt him seriously.” 

“But I did. Again. I let him down.” 

Sam sat down next to Cas. “That’s not true. And he doesn’t see it this way. He made you food, didn’t he? He is not mad, he is just really concerned. He has been for the last weeks.” 

Sam had hoped that Cas would tell him what’s wrong but instead he put his plate aside, sandwich only half eaten. 

“I would like to rest now.” 

Sam let out a silent sigh. Cas was worse than his brother when it came to talks that involved feelings and confessions. 

“Alright”, Sam said as he got up and went over to the chair that stood at the desk in Cas’ room. “I’ll stay until you’re asleep.” Cas nodded gratefully. 

“Thank you, Sam. For everything.” 

“You’re welcome Cas.” 

He gave Cas a last reassuring smile before he turned the light off, leaving the lamp at Cas bed as only source of light. Cas nestled himself into the sheets and after less than 10 minutes Sam could tell by Cas’ even breath that he was already asleep. 

Sam got up and silently left the room leaving the light on just in case Cas woke up. He went back into the living-room where Dean was busy picking everything that Cas threw at him up. 

Sam watched him for a few seconds noticing that he had bandaged his arm and put a band aid over the wound on his forehead. Sam went over to pick up some shards Dean hadn’t yet reached. 

“How is he?”, Dean finally asked. 

“Asleep.” Sam threw the shards in the bin that stood next to Dean. 

“You know what I mean”, he said impatiently. 

“I know what you mean but I don’t know what to tell you.” 

“What did he say?” 

“Not much. He’s sorry that he hurt you but he didn’t really explain what happened.” 

“He didn’t explain? How am I supposed to avoid whatever caused this if I don’t know what happened?” 

Sam shrugged. “He said something about this part of him that wanted to hurt you.” Dean paled and Sam rushed on. “But he also said that the other part didn’t like hurting you.” 

“What, so he’s like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?” 

Sam shrugged again. “I really don’t know. It didn’t make much sense to me what he said.” 

Dean scrubbed his face and sighed heavily. Then he changed the subject before Sam could tell him about the ‘she’ Cas talked about. 

“So, Arathiel showed up.” 

Sam nodded. “He did. He said his orders changed so he’s only allowed to show up if we pray to him. That’s why he didn’t come earlier.” 

“Those freaking angels”, Dean breathed. 

“That’s what I thought. But he didn’t look good. Pale and afraid.” 

“The night we got attacked here… I already thought that he looked ruffled.” 

“Maybe we should ask him what’s going on. Not only with him but also what’s happening to Cas.” 

“Maybe we should”, Dean agreed. 

“Arathiel why don’t you come down again”, Sam said into the room and a moment later Arathiel stood in front of them. 

He looked even worse than an hour before and he stumbled before he could regain his balance. Sam automatically took a step forward, ready to catch him if necessary but Arathiel shot him a glare so he backed up. 

“What happened to you?”, Dean asked. 

Arathiel ignored that question. “What do you want?” 

“We want to know what is happening to Cas. And with you.” 

Arathiel looked around. “Where is he?” 

“Asleep”, Sam answered. 

“You shouldn’t leave him alone”, he said and looked at Dean. 

“He attacked me”, Dean said. “I think a bit of space would do him good.” 

Arathiel shook his head. “No, he needs you. You have to help him.” 

Dean stared disbelieving at him but before he could say anything else something in the kitchen made a noise and Arathiel flinched. 

“We can’t talk here. This place is not safe enough. She can hear us.” He handed Sam a piece of paper before he vanished again. “Meet me here”, was the last thing they heard. 

“What the hell was that?” 

“I don’t know”, Sam said as he looked down at the address Arathiel gave him. “But Cas was also afraid of some woman. Maybe we should go and find out.” 

“What woman? Why didn’t you tell me?”, Dean asked angrily. 

“Sorry, but you kind of cut me off and then I forgot.” 

“What did he say about her?” 

“He just said that she’ll know if he didn’t do it. I don’t know what he meant by that.” 

“We have to find out. What does the address say?” 

Sam looked at it again. “Some street one town over.” 

“Okay, let’s go.” 

Sam stared at Dean. “Didn’t you hear Arathiel? You should stay with Cas.” 

“I…I’m not staying with him. What if something like that happens again and I’m not able to calm him down? What if he hurts himself?” 

It stunned Sam that Dean didn’t think for one moment about himself, his only concern was Cas. But then again his brother always put other people in front of him. 

“I don’t know man, you have to figure something out. Because I will not take you with me.” 

Dean stared at him. “What? No. You’re not going alone.” 

“Yes, I am. Listen. I also think that you should stay with him. He is worried that he let you down.” 

“Wha…Why would he think that?” 

Sam couldn’t believe how oblivious his brother sometimes was. “Oh my god, really? You’re staying.” He turned around to get the keys to the Impala. 

“You are not going alone. What if something happens? What if that woman shows up and kicks your ass?” 

Sam held his phone up. “I have you on speed dial and it’s not that far. If something happens I’ll call you and you can steal a car and come to my rescue.” He looked expectantly at Dean who seemed far from happy.

”Fine”, he finally said. “But don’t you dare do something stupid.” 

“I won’t.” ‘I’m not you’, he thought but he didn’t say it out loud. 

“Okay, okay. Your phone is charged?” 

“Yes, Dean.” 

“There’s an angel blade in the trunk. Take it with you.” 

Sam rolled his eyes. “Yes, Dean. I’m not a child, I know how to prepare.” 

Dean smiled quickly. “I know that. I’m just worried. Whatever is doing this to Cas and Arathiel is strong so don’t take them lightly.” 

“I won’t.” They were standing at the door and Sam turned around again. Originally he had wanted to tell his brother to be gentle with Cas but he knew that Dean would be so he just said: “Take care of him.” 

Dean nodded firmly. “I will.” They exchanged another look and then Sam was out of the door. 

The drive was quick, not even 15 minutes and when Sam finally found the address he found himself in front of an abandoned building. Naturally.

He didn’t understand who that was safer than the bunker but when he came closer he could see some strange markings on the walls. Sam suspected angel proofing and it made him nervous. If Arathiel had to specially put this up how bad was that woman? 

He carefully entered the house, anxious not to make a sound but Arathiel knew he was there. “It’s okay Sam. We’re alone.” Sam could almost hear the unspoken ‘so far’. 

He went into something that appeared to be the former living room and Arathiel was kneeling on the ground, obviously burning another sigil into the floor. 

“This should be able to hide us.” 

“Should?”, Sam asked and raised an eyebrow. “Arathiel what is going on? Why is all that necessary?” 

“If she finds out that I’m talking to you she’s going to call me back.” 

“Who is she? Cas also mentioned a woman. What is she doing to you?” 

Arathiel seemed surprised by that information. “He remembers? He is not supposed to remember.” 

“He doesn’t really remember. He just mentioned her but he didn’t elaborate.” 

“Still. That was not supposed to happen.” “Not supposed? What did you do to him? What did she do to him?” 

“I can’t tell you what exactly Naomi did to him, there are many different treatments for angels who don’t obey, but Castiel is experiencing this because…” Arathiel dropped in the middle of the sentence. 

“Tsk, tsk, tsk, Arathiel, you didn’t learn a thing, did you? You’re not supposed to talk to those cockroaches about heavens plans.” 

The moment Arathiel fell down Sam had got his blade out but now it burned hot so he had to let go of it. 

“Sam Winchester. Why is it always a Winchester who causes the downfall of our angels?” 

“Who are you?” Sam asked and looked around. The owner of the voice materialized behind Arathiel. 

He was shorter than Sam and he looked sly like a fox and Sam immediately disliked him but that could also be because he held an angel blade at Arathiel’s throat and forced his head up with it. 

“Why don’t you tell him”, he said into Arathiel’s ear and Sam could see how Arathiel struggled to get free. Finally he stopped and looked apologetic at Sam. 

“Gamiel. He’s my superior.” Gamiel smiled smugly. “Yes, I am. And you better not forget that”, he hissed at Arathiel. Then he looked at Sam again. 

“By the way Naomi sends her regards.”


	21. Chapter 21

Dean was unsure what to do now. He wanted to check on Cas but he was afraid of waking him up so he decided to eat something first. 

He worked deliberately slow, wanting to delay the moment he had to check on him. He had no idea what he should do if Cas got another breakdown. 

After he finished eating and cleaning up and writing a shopping list he ran out of things to do. He hesitated a moment longer before he decided that he eventually had to check on him so why not do it now. 

He approached Cas’ room and silently opened the door. His eyes fell to the empty bed before he noticed that Cas was standing in the middle of the room, back to him. 

When the light illuminated the room Cas turned around and Dean was scared by the vacant look on his face. 

“Cas?”, he addressed him, voice low. An angel blade slit into his hands. 

Dean quickly went through his options. He could not take on Cas and he probably couldn’t even defend himself properly against him. So his only chance was to get away. 

Before he could move one muscle Cas was already coming towards him. Dean slowly backed away, afraid that if he moved to fast Cas would totally snap but in the same time aware that he would not make it. 

Before he was even halfway back in the corridor Cas had reached him. Dean defensively held his hands up but they didn’t even slowed the hit Cas threw at him. 

Dean’s head spun and he flew back against the wall. He groaned and barely held himself on his feet. 

Cas came at him again and Dean dodged the hit only by ducking under it and stumbling into Cas room. Which probably wasn’t the best decision since now Cas was standing in the doorway and Dean could not get away. 

“Cas, please”, Dean pleaded but Cas hit him again. 

“Cas! Stop. This is not you”, Dean shouted after he spit out some blood. Cas movements wavered for a second but Dean saw it nonetheless. And he saw his chance in that. 

“Cas, fight this. You have to fight this, this is not you. Do you hear me? You don’t have to do this!” 

Cas stopped. Dean could almost see the struggle on his face and Dean remembered what Sam had said about the two parts in Cas. 

But before he could say anything else he saw pain pass over Cas face and then he fell to his knees. He let go of the blade and clutched his head in his hands. 

“Dean”, he said in a pleading voice. Dean rushed forward. 

“Cas, I’m here.” 

Cas frantically shook his head. “You have to go. I can’t fight it.” 

Dean kneeled before him. “You have to, Cas. You have to fight it!” 

“Why?” 

“Because it’s hurting you”, Dean said. Cas looked at him as if he couldn’t believe what he just said. 

“I will kill you!”, he said pressed and lowered his head again. Dean gingerly took his hands from his head and laid his own gently on either side of Cas face. Then he lifted his head. 

Cas’ eyes were wide and full of fear and terror but Dean was calm now. He rested his head against Cas’. “No you won’t.” 

Cas started to tremble. “I will, I will. She told me to”, he desperately whispered. 

“And you will not listen to her.” 

“No, no, no, nonono. It’s too strong.” Cas nearly sobbed. 

“Listen to me”, Dean said with a firm voice. Cas kept on chanting no over and over again so Dean shook him lightly. 

“Listen to me Cas.” Cas shut up. “Listen. You don’t have to do what she told you. You don’t have to obey or follow the orders anymore.” 

“But the other part wants to. Obey and follow is all he can.” 

“Then this part right here has to fight it.” 

Cas clutched his shirt. “I can’t. I can’t.” 

“You have to. Because I need this part right here, Cas. I need you.” 

Cas stared at him again, obviously not believing what he said and Dean remembered what Cas had said when he had stitched Dean up. So he decided to make his point clear.

He closed the distance between them and kissed Cas. 

He could feel his desperation, even in the kiss, but Cas clutched his shirt tighter, trying to bring him closer. Dean’s hands moved a bit up so that his fingers were in Cas’ hair. 

Dean wanted to deepen the kiss, but this was not the time, so when Cas tongue licked over his lower lip he broke the kiss. They both had their eyes closed and Dean rested their foreheads together again. 

“Dean”, Cas breathed. 

“I need you”, Dean repeated. “I need you not because you’re strong and you have some special powers but because you’re you. I just need you.” 

Cas leaned a bit back and looked at him, still wide eyed but now there was hope in them. Dean moved his hands from the side of his head to his shoulders and finally pulled him into a hug, Cas’ forehead resting on his shoulder. 

“And I need you to be yourself”, he breathed into Cas hair and he felt him shiver at that. 

Dean relaxed at the warmth he felt against him but then Cas moved again and suddenly Dean felt the tip of the angel bade. It pointed right at his heart and Dean froze. 

“Cas”, he said, fear mingling into all his other feelings. 

“It’s so strong. And it’s hurting me”, Cas said with a cracked voice. 

Dean squeezed his eyes shut. He didn’t know what to do anymore, so he just nodded. “Okay”, he whispered. Cas tensed. “Then do it.” 

He didn’t know what possessed him but he hadn’t really time to think about it because in the next moment he felt how the blade grazed his skin and then Cas was gone and the angel blade fell with a cling to the ground. 

Dean caught himself before he could fall to the ground and then he looked around. Cas was pressed into a corner, hands against his head again, slightly rocking himself. 

“What have you done to me? What have you done to me, Naomi?” 

“Who is Naomi?”, Dean asked as he approached Cas in his corner. He was back to frantically shaking his head. 

“I won’t hurt Dean.” 

He was silent for a few seconds like he was listening to something and then he said: “I’m not going to. I’m not hurting him, I’m not.” 

He clutched his arms tightly to his chest as if to make sure that they couldn’t move on their own accord. 

It pained Dean to see him struggle this much and to see in how much pain he was but it wasn’t Cas’ fault, so when he fell down on his knees again and laid his hands on Cas’ knees it wasn’t technically a lie when he said: “You’re not hurting me, Cas.” 

Cas hand snapped forward and he grabbed Dean at his throat. Then he slowly squeezed. 

Dean gasped for breath and that sound seemed to reach his Cas because the grip loosened and Cas stared at his throat and Dean could bet that there were already some bruises. 

“I’m so sorry”, Cas whispered broken and Dean could pinpoint the exact moment he decided to fly off. Luckily Dean was still touching him so he was just brought along. 

They reappeared in a forest, Cas scrambling away from him as he realized that Dean was still there. 

“Well, hello boys”, Dean heard from behind and he immediately knew who stood there. Crowley always chose the worst times to appear. 

Dean turned around and stood now in front of the king of hell, shielding Cas from him. Dean silently cursed the timing of the demon again because Cas was way to occupied to defend himself and Dean didn’t have a weapon. Crowley waved at him. 

“So glad to see you have lived through my last visit. How’s moose doing?” He waited a few seconds but Dean kept his mouth shut. Half his attention was still turned on Cas, desperately hoping that he wouldn’t fly off again. 

“What’s up with Castiel? He doesn’t look to peachy.” 

“You’ll stay away from him.” 

“Or what? You’re going to throw some sticks at me? I don’t think you got anything to say in that matter. In fact I would appreciate it if Cas and I could have a little chat in private.” 

He snapped his fingers and another demon appeared right in front of him and sank the knife he held into Dean’s chest. Dean stared down at the hilt that stood out and then back at the demon who smiled at him as he pulled the knife back out. 

Blood pumped out of the wound and now Dean felt the pain rush through his whole body. Dean put a hand over the wound but the blood just kept flowing. 

After another moment he fell to the ground. He tried to get up again but wasn’t able to move properly. And then the darkness crept into his vision.


	22. Chapter 22

Cas stopped dead when he saw how Dean fell to the ground. 

He had been slightly rocking himself again but suddenly everything just stopped then. He stared at Dean whose breathing got slower and slower and sounded forced and wet. 

Cas didn’t dare to look at his hands, afraid of what he might find but he had to see if he did this. He slowly lowered his gaze to check them but they were still clutched to his body and when he stretched them out there was no trace of blood. 

Relief washed over him. He didn’t kill Dean. He looked over to the body again and finally he realized that someone had killed him. Well not yet actually killed but it was only a matter of minutes. 

And at this thought something snapped in Cas. Someone had hurt Dean and that was unforgivable. 

The other part in him was too satisfied with the sight in front of him, too content that his duty was fulfilled to even put up a fight with Cas. He was just washed away by the sheer fury and pain Cas felt. 

After he was finally himself again he noticed his surroundings for the first time. And only then did he notice Crowley and his minion. 

He saw the still blood dripping knife and the satisfied smile of the demon and like before rage and wrath dominated him and he felt his power. Cas got up and teleported in front of the demon and he didn’t even had time to so much as raise his weapon before a dead body fell to the ground. 

Cas noticed that Crowley stepped back from him but Cas didn’t pay attention to that. His only thought was Dean. 

He rushed to his side, glad to see that he was still breathing, even though it was barely visible. He touched Dean’s cheek and healed him. Dean opened his eyes and looked at him and Cas was so utterly relieved by that, by the fact that he hadn’t done that to Dean and that he was able to heal him, that he had to close his own eyes for a moment. 

Dean touched his arm to get his attention. “I thought I lost you”, he lowly said. 

“I beat it Dean. It’s gone. And I didn’t hurt you.” Dean smiled at him and Cas felt strangely proud.

“I knew you were stronger.” Sometimes Cas couldn’t understand how Dean could have still so much faith in him. 

Before he could say anything else Crowley spoke up again. “Sorry to interrupt your lovely flirting over there but I’d still like to have that chat with Cas.” 

Cas stood up and turned around in one fluid motion, moving a bit in front of Dean who came to his feet now. 

“Why did you try to kill Dean?” Cas asked him. 

“Sorry, but one has to take every chance to kill one of the Winchesters. I’m sure you understand.” 

Cas wanted to attack Crowley but Dean’s hand on his arm held him back. “What do you want Crowley?” 

“Like I said a little chat with your angel over there.” 

“Then talk”, Cas said sternly. 

“Who gave it to you?” 

“Who gave what to me?”, Cas asked perplex. “My new life? I already informed you that I don’t know that.” 

“I’m not talking only about your life.” 

“What else do you mean?” 

“Who gave you your soul? That’s what I’m talking about, you moron.” 

“My what? I don’t have a soul.” 

“What are you talking about?”, Dean also asked. 

Crowley rolled his eyes. “Oh for gods sake. I’m talking about the soul he has now. I want to know who gave it to you.” 

“That’s not possible”, Cas said. “I can’t have a soul.” 

“Yeah, well, I can see souls. I could see the twisted soul of the demon you smote, I can see Dean’s stupid bright soul which made him the righteous man” 

“He still is”, Cas growled at Crowley who took a step back. 

“Okay. Whatever you say. But my point is that I can see the tiniest light in you. And that’s a soul. And you will tell me who gave it to you.”

Cas couldn’t believe what Crowley said. Angels don’t get souls. There was no way that would work because the grace was there. There wasn’t even enough room for those two to coexist. And he never heard of one angel who got a soul. 

Cas turned his concentration inwards, blending Dean and Crowley, who started talking again, out. He focused on his grace and it felt fine to him. 

Different, yes, but it felt like that since he was brought back so that was no surprise to him. He considered the theory Crowley had and it, somehow, made sense. 

That could explain why he wasn’t able to use his powers properly and it would explain why he felt how heavens influence faded but as far as he knew there could only be one inside a person and he definitely still had grace. And besides it was not like he deserved something like a soul. And that strange feeling he had wasn’t nearly as overwhelming as a soul would be. 

Cas snapped out of it again noticing that both were staring at him. Cas shot a quick glance over to Dean and allowed himself to see his soul and it was a blinding light. Even Crowley’s soul, twisted and tainted thing that it was, could not be overseen. It made no sense at all that his soul would be small. They only came in one shape. 

“No, it’s not possible”, he said with determination. 

Dean looked at him. “If you’d have a soul, wouldn’t that mean you had no powers?” Cas could literally see how Dean mentally went through all the occasions his powers hadn’t worked. He nodded. 

Dean turned back to Crowley. “See? Because that right there was pretty angelic if you ask me”, he said and pointed at the dead demon. “So how about you fuck off now?” 

“I don’t think so, squirrel. If Cassie is not up to talking I think I’ll just get it directly out of his head”, Crowley repeated his earlier threat. 

“No”, Dean said firmly and stepped in front of Cas. 

Cas couldn’t believe Dean would do something reckless like that. He was unarmed and Crowley was not to be taken lightly. And since his emotions were back to normal Cas wasn’t sure if he could do anything besides teleporting them out of there. 

He tried to get Dean back behind him but he was too stubborn. And suddenly Cas was flying and crashed into a tree. It knocked the wind out of him and he heard Dean shout his name. 

He fell to the ground before he could catch himself and Dean rushed towards him. At least he tried because Crowley had different plans. 

He slowly clenched his fist and Dean started to choke, eyes wide and his hands flew to his chest. Cas got back on his feet and stumbled over to Dean. 

Crowley clenched his fist even further. “If you don’t want that little heart of your precious Dean to be quashed you better surrender.” 

Cas looked back at Dean who shook his head and Cas felt himself go cold. He could not let Dean die now. Not if he could prevent that. 

“Stop it, Crowley.” “Why would I?”, he smiled. Dean pleaded with his eyes, not able to form words, and Cas could see that he would endure this, and even die, if Cas was save. 

It angered him that Dean’s life meant so little to himself and Cas held onto that feeling and he shifted his rage towards Crowley. He slowly walked up to him, always hearing Dean’s gasping and he summoned his angel blade. 

Since he wasn’t wearing his trenchcoat anymore he couldn’t hide it in his sleeve and Crowley’s eyes went wide. 

“You will release him and then leave”, Cas said with a grave voice. Crowley just smiled at him and his hand snapped shut. Cas heard how Dean fell to the ground and he leaped forward, trying to stab Crowley but he was already gone. 

Cas spun around, for the second time this day horrified by the still figure of Dean. 

He wanted to get back to him, heal him, but his mind was overflown with memories of him killing Dean over and over again, all the bodies lying on the floor, cold, bloody and broken, and he gasped. He didn’t do this, he reminded himself, there was still time to heal him. 

He pushed the memories aside and pulled himself together. Dean needed him. 

He went over to him and saw that Dean was still breathing shallowly but his face had an unhealthy color. Cas’ heart clenched at the sight. He crouched next to Dean and stroked his face summoning all the power he could get from his grace and it was enough. 

Dean’s heartbeat went back to normal, his breathing got deeper and the color came back to his face. “Wow. Nearly dying twice in less than an hour is really not fun.” 

Cas just looked at him. He couldn’t believe that Dean took this as a joke. 

But his face was serious now and he grabbed Cas’ arm hard. “For a moment I thought you would go with him.”

“For a moment I thought that too.” 

Dean’s eyes went wide and he grabbed him even harder. “You cannot do that. You can never do that!” 

“You were dying”, Cas said and to him that explained everything. He hurt Dean often enough to never want to do that again. 

Dean’s hand moved up to his neck. “I don’t care. You don’t get to sacrifice yourself anymore.” 

Cas wanted to point out that Dean would have sacrificed himself but before he could voice that thought Dean kissed him again. 

This one was not like before. Cas could tell that Dean was angry and there was a lot more passion to this kiss than before. Cas instinctively moved closer to Dean and moved his hands so that one was in Dean’s hair and with the other he clutched his shirt. 

And this time when Cas tried to deepen the kiss Dean did not pull away. When his tongue moved against Dean’s he made a little noise deep in his throat and Dean moaned in response. 

After a few more seconds Dean broke the kiss, breathing heavily and Cas followed him, trying to get them together again. 

“Didn’t you die often enough?”, Dean whispered and Cas felt a light touch on his lips, like a feather ghosting over them. “Didn’t I lose you often enough?”, he breathed against them and Cas heart clenched as he pulled away from Dean. 

He could tell that Dean was hurt, just by the look of him but Cas didn’t know what to do. 

He could never promise that he wouldn’t betray Dean again, not with all those strange memories that were flooding his brain, and most of all he didn’t know what to do with these strange feelings. 

“Cas”, Dean started and tried to pull him back in again but Cas got up, out of his reach. He didn’t trust himself. He had never intended to kiss Dean and his vessel betrayed him. 

“We should leave this place”, he said and touched Dean’s forehead, teleporting them to Dean’s room. 

“Cas, please don’t do that now”, Dean said without even looking around. 

“Don’t do what, Dean?”, Cas asked as he stepped even further away from Dean. 

“Don’t act like this didn’t happen. Don’t act like you didn’t want it”, he answered. Cas couldn’t’ tell if Dean was angry or hurt or both but either way it didn’t matter. 

He could never let this happen again. And as to prove him right his brain provided him with yet another vivid memory. 

Dean crawling away from him, begging him not to do this, so afraid of him, so much betrayal in his eyes, and then Cas sunk his blade into his chest, never doubting his actions, not feeling a thing. 

He blinked and the memory was gone. He looked at Dean. “It happened, but it shouldn’t have. This vessel betrayed me. I never wanted to do that”, Cas said and it tasted wrong to say that and after a few seconds he realized that it was a lie. 

He had wanted to do that he just hadn’t know what that feeling meant. Ever since he moved into the bunker there had been this strange feeling in him every time he thought about Dean and only now did he realize that it was want. 

Sure he had felt that for a long time now but ever since he came back he hadn’t been able to suppress it as good as before. 

“You’re lying”, Dean said slowly but he sounded sure. Cas shook his head and Dean came closer, cornering him against the wall. “You are a liar. You wanted his. You wanted it the first time and you wanted it now.” 

“No.” 

Doubt flickered over Dean’s face but he kept pushing. “I felt how you responded to that kiss. Don’t lie to me.” 

Cas realized that he had to hurt Dean to make him stop. He hesitated because every pain he inflicted on Dean was too much but the image of how he killed him made his decision easy. 

“I’m an angel, Dean. Why would I want you?” 

Cas could see how the little hope Dean had shattered at his words. He took a step back, shaking his head. “You”, but Cas didn’t let him talk. “You’re just a man, Dean. Just human. And you’re not much of one.” 

“You don’t mean that”, he whispered, voice raw with pain. 

No he didn’t. Dean was the brightest human he had ever met but the question he had asked was valid. Why did he want him? He didn’t understand it himself and even now, seeing Dean in this pain, caused just by his words, it made breathing hard for Cas. 

Before he could do something stupid, like taking back what he said, Dean’s phone rang. He jumped and fumbled a bit to get it out. 

“Sammy”, he answered the call but it looked like he got no response. “Take me to him”, he said to Cas. 

“Where is he?” 

“Meeting with Arathiel. He had something to say about a woman. But something went wrong.” 

An image of a woman in a grey suit with a drill flashed behind Cas’ eyes but it was gone before he could think about it. 

“I’m not taking you into a battle with angels.” Dean wanted to protest but Cas went on. “Give me the address, I’ll get him out of there.” 

“No, you will take me to him. Maybe he is fighting. And maybe we have to help Arathiel, too. Just take me there.” 

Cas sighed. This was definitely one of the more stupid decisions he made. He pushed his angel blade into Dean’s hands. 

“Fine. But you will stand back. Don’t try to attack before we now what exactly is going on.” 

Dean nodded once but Cas knew that the moment he laid eyes on Sam he would storm forward. 

He grabbed Dean’s wrist and concentrated on the address Dean was telling him. Cas tried to move them slightly during the flight so that he was standing between Dean and the possible threat but when they appeared in the warehouse he realized it was in vain because Gamiel was waiting for them.


	23. Chapter 23

“Who is Naomi?” , Sam asked but Gamiel shook his head. “This is not the way this will go, Winchester. I’m here for Arathiel, not to answer your stupid questions.” 

He leaned back down to Arathiel. “You will stay on your knees. Don’t do anything stupid. Well, more stupid.” Gamiel removed the blade from his throat and went over to one wall to erase a sigil. 

Sam waited for other angels to pop out but nothing happened. Gamiel had noticed that because he sneered: “It’s just us. And isn’t that enough, Arathiel?” 

Sam looked back to Arathiel who paled even more. “Let him go”, Sam said. “He didn’t do anything.” 

Gamiel smiled at him. “That is indeed true. He didn’t do anything.” He walked back over to Arathiel. Who hadn’t moved an inch. “Isn’t that right? You didn’t do anything”, he suddenly yelled and hit Arathiel hard. 

He must have seen that coming but he didn’t protect himself. The hit knocked him over and Arathiel spit out blood. Sam tried to slowly back out because he was pretty sure he couldn’t take this one but Gamiel noticed again. “And where do you think you’re going?”

Sam cursed under his breath. 

“You will stay right where you are”, Gamiel said with a flick of his hand and suddenly Sam wasn’t able to move his legs. His eyes went wide. That was so not good. 

Gamiel shot him another amused look and then the concentrated on Arathiel again. He circled him and Sam could see that he expected a hit at any time. Sam seriously wondered what exactly Gamiel’s position was. It didn’t look like he only was the leader of a garrison. 

“Tell me that you were doing here.” Arathiel pressed his lips together and shot a warning glare to Sam. He nodded. If Arathiel doesn’t want him talking he wouldn’t. 

“What did you want to tell Sam, heh?” Arathiel still kept his mouth shut. Gamiel smacked the back of his head and Arathiel fell forwards but caught himself on his hands. He still held an intense look with Sam and he could feel how some feeling came back to his legs. 

“Why did you talk about Naomi? What do they know?” Arathiel sat back on his heels. He shot Gamiel a look that very clearly said ‘Go fuck yourself’. 

“Tsk, Arathiel. When was the last time you reported in?” 

“Yesterday”, he said pressed. 

“Yesterday? And yet you are ready to defy me already. Looks like they weren’t hard enough on you.” Sam thought back to earlier that day when Arathiel had appeared to heal him. He had looked like they were hard enough on him. 

“Did you follow your orders?”, Gamiel asked. 

“Yes.” 

“Did you find Castiel?” 

Arathiel shot Sam another look. “I haven’t seen him.” 

Gamiel stood in front of Arathiel now. “But you do remember what you have to do right?” Arantiel nodded. “Why don’t you tell us?”, he asked in a soothing voice. 

Now Arathiel avoided Sam’s eyes. “I would have to kill him.” That took Sam by surprise but it also explained a lot. So that was the reason Arathiel and Cas never met. Arathiel made sure that he didn’t see him so he didn’t have to follow his orders. Gratitude filled Sam. He had seen what it did to an angel to defy heaven and that Arathiel had done that for them… 

“That is right. So”, Gamiel said cheerfully and clapped his hands. “Why did you talk about Naomi?” 

“Sam asked who gave me my new orders.” 

“Ah, is that right?”, Gamiel asked and turned towards Sam who nodded, not willing to deny anything Arathiel said right now. Gamiel turned back to Arathiel and his hand snapped forwards, grabbed Arathiel’s throat and squeezed. 

“You’re lying”, he angrily said. “Why did you need this protection then? What do they know?” 

“Nothing”, Arathiel choked. “Well, we can find out, can’t we?” Gamiel let go of Arathiel and came over to Sam. He heard Arathiel gasping but otherwise he seemed to be fine. 

“You will stay right where you are”, Gamiel said bored and Arathiel wasn’t able to move anymore. Gamiel had reached Sam and he desperately whished for his blade but it laid too far away. 

“So, Sam Winchester. How are your legs today?” Sam just shot him a look. “I’ll take that as a not so good. That’s okay. You won’t need them any time soon.” Gamiel circled him once and Sam could not stand having him in his back. 

“Why don’t you tell me what you know?” 

“About what exactly?” 

“Let’s start with Castiel.” Sam saw Arathiel shaking his head and even though Gamiel stood with his back to him he caught that too. “Why don’t you stop moving altogether and let me and Sam have a nice little chat?” he said and flicked his hand again. 

Suddenly Arathiel was as still as a statue, he wasn’t even breathing as far as Sam could tell. He hoped he didn’t have to. 

“So, on one will interrupt us now. Where were we? Ah, yes, so, how is Castiel?” 

“Dead”, Sam spit out. 

Gamiel moved a finger in front of his face. “We both know that’s not true. So tell me how he’s doing.” It scared Sam how quick Gamiel’s mood changed. One moment he was polite and nice, well, considering, and the next moment you wanted to do nothing more than to flinch away and hide because he was screaming and angry.

But Sam refused to answer that question. He didn’t know why Gamiel was so focused on Cas but he sure as hell wouldn’t give him any info’s. 

“Okay, then tell me how you found him.” Sam didn’t know why they would have even looked for Cas and that obviously showed on his face. “What, you didn’t? He found you?” Gamiel wheeled around. “How is that even possible? What didn’t you tell us, Arathiel?” 

Arathiel was still not able to move, or talk, but Gamiel seemed to have forgotten. He hit Arathiel and only when his head didn’t move an inch Gamiel remembered. “Oh right. Sorry.” 

He snapped his fingers and Arathiel could move again. “Does he remember?” Arathiel didn’t answer and Gamiel took that for a yes. “How much does he remember? Did the transfer go wrong? Is he still an angel?” Gamiel seemed very excited now. “Naomi will be so please.” 

Sam didn’t understand a word. “What transfer? And what do you mean ‘still an angel’? What does Naomi have to do with that?” 

Arathiel begged him to shut up but Sam avoided his eyes. He wanted to know what was going on. Gamiel turned back to him, a look of poor joy on his face. 

“You don’t know? Ah, isn’t that pure gold!” he strode over to Sam.”Castiel got himself a soul”, he said and he nearly spit that last word out. “Whoever resurrected him crammed a soul into his body and then delivered the message that Castiel is off limits for every angel. Oh, how Naomi screamed, all that work she put into him, gone. But now her favorite toy is back. And if he remembers everything that means the soul didn’t take hold and he is still an angel. Oh this is good news.” 

Sam had some difficulties taking all the information in. Cas getting a soul, Cas losing that soul and he still didn’t understand how Naomi fitted into all that. 

Gamiel stopped in the middle of his little celebration and turned back to Arathiel. Sam could see that Arathiel was genuinely afraid now, he struggled to move and get away but he couldn’t. 

“You knew. You knew this whole time”, Gamiel said, voice dangerously low now. “You failed to share this information.” 

He slowly walked back to Arathiel and suddenly had a knife in his hands. 

“What did Naomi do to Cas?”, Sam asked, desperately hoping that it would distract Gamiel. And indeed he was lucky because Gamiel stopped. 

“Naomi did everything to Castiel”, he said, pure malice in his voice. “Arathiel, why don’t you explain it to Sam. You had some very recent experiences of your own with her work, didn’t you?” 

“Naomi takes care of the angels who disobey.” He swallowed. “She has some….skills. And her favorite tool is a drill.” 

It didn’t even matter that Arathiel stopped there, Sam could imagine what she could do with a drill. He remembered Alfie with the needles in his head and he tried to shake that image off. 

“And Castiel spent many, many hours in her office”, Gamiel added. 

Sam felt sick. He knew that angels were dicks, they proved that often enough and one right now right there, but torture? That was something demons did. That angels were capable of doing that to one of their own…. 

“She put so much work in shaping him but it never really took hold. He never truly did what was asked of him.” 

Sam remembered all the times Cas had helped them even when he said he couldn’t. If he went against the orders of that Naomi every time… 

“But if he’s still an angel the off limits order doesn’t matter anymore. And this time she will make sure that her work lasts.” 

So first Crowley wanted to take Cas with him and now the angels wanted him too. That could get difficult. 

While Sam still struggled to understand everything Gamiel had told, he had turned back to Arathiel. He had started slicing him up, obviously trying to get a sound out of Arathiel but he kept quiet. Sam couldn’t even help him, since he still wasn’t able to move his legs. 

He fished for his phone. He had promised himself not to call Dean, that he was able to handle whatever would happen here, but he had to admit that he wasn’t able to handle Gamiel. Even Arathiel wasn’t able to handle him so he figured a little help would do them both good. 

Sam just hoped that Dean actually could leave and that Cas wasn’t freaking out right now. He hesitated a few second at that thought, because what if Dean was trying to calm Cas down right now and then his phone would go off and Cas freaked again, and that was his mistake. Gamiel didn’t even look at him, he was still cutting Arathiel but he noticed. 

“What are you doing?”, he asked demandingly and moved the blade one last time over Arathiel’s skin. There was blood everywhere but as far as Sam could tell the cuts weren’t deep and they already healed. 

“Nothing”, Sam finally said. 

Gamiel narrowed his eyes. “You were trying something. What?” He put the knife away, petted Arathiel’s cheek and said: “Stay right where you are”, and then he was standing in front of Sam. “What’s in your pocket?” 

“Nothing.” 

Gamiel sighed. “I thought we were over the lying part.” He sounded genuinely disappointed as he got the phone out of Sam’s pocket himself. “Who were you going to call?” Sam stayed quiet. “Let me make a wild guess: your brother. You think he can help you? Really?” Gamiel searched his eyes for a second. “Well, if you believe that, let’s find out, shall we?” 

He went through his contact numbers and smiled at Sam when he found Dean’s number. “What was the plan, heh? You’ll call him and he knows where to come?” He quickly turned back to Arathiel. “Did you tell everyone where to come? Unbelievable”, he muttered as he turned back. 

“Very well, let’s get the big brother into the game”, he smiled and dialed. Sam could hear Dean’s voice calling his name and then Gamiel ended the call. 

He slid the phone back into Sam’s pocket. “So, then, what shall we do until the cavalry arrives?” He really seemed to look forward to the time they had to wait and Sam was afraid with what plans he would come up but suddenly Cas and Dean were standing in the room.


	24. Chapter 24

“No time to play after all. Should have seen that coming”, a voice said when they arrived in something that looked like an abandoned living-room. 

Dean took the situation in front of him in. Arathiel was kneeling on the ground, covered in blood, Sam stood a few feet away, obviously unharmed, and then there was the third person. 

Dean was pretty sure he was an angel but he reminded him of Alistair, though he looked neater and not so slim. It was the feeling he gave off. And he stood way to close to Sam, for Dean’s liking. 

“Gamiel”, Cas said next to him and Dean could tell that he was distressed. 

“Castiel. So nice of you to drop by and spare me the trouble of searching you out.” 

“I’m not here for you. I’m here to take Sam and”, he hesitated a moment, “Arathiel back home.” 

Gamiel smiled. “Ah, right, you two have never officially met.” He walked over to Arathiel and clapped his shoulder. “Castiel, this is Arathiel. He can’t tell you right now but he is very pleased to finally meet you.” 

Dean concentrated on Sam. “Sammy, are you hurt?” He didn’t look hurt but who knew. “I’m fine.” Dean let out the breath he had been holding. 

Now his concentration turned to Gamiel. “Who are you?” Before Gamiel could say anything Cas spoke. “He is the leader of a special garrison.” 

“How special?” 

“It’s the first garrison of the night. They have very…special duties.” Okay, Dean could imagine. 

Gamiel smiled smugly. “That’s right. But you forgot the most important thing.” 

“And what would that be?” 

“I’m Naomi’s right hand.” 

“Naomi”, Cas repeated hesitantly. 

“Who is she? You mentioned her before”, Dean said and Gamiel shock his head. 

“Didn’t you tell your favorite apes anything?” 

“I don’t know her.” 

Gamiel’s eyes widened. “You don’t…”, he took a close look at Cas and Dean had the feeling he looked right into him. “Unbelievable”, he finally whispered. 

“What?”, Dean asked. 

“The soul is still there.” 

Dean rolled his eyes. “Yes, we know.” He pointed at Sam and Arathiel. “You better tell us why they are not moving.” 

“They are bound. I had the feeling they would try to get away but I couldn’t let that happen now, could I. They would have missed all the fun.” 

“Let them go”, Dean demanded. 

“I don’t think so.” He grabbed Arathiel’s chin and forced his head up. “Isn’t it nice to finally see him obedient and tight-lipped? Well, he wasn’t one to talk much to begin with but…”, he shrugged. “And your brother standing so nicely just around. I like the look of that.” 

“You will let them go”, Cas said and took a step forward. 

“Or what?”, Gamiel asked. “You’re going to fight me?” he laughed. 

“Yes”, was all Cas said. 

“And how do you think this will go for you, heh? You’re just hu…man”, he trailed off. “How did you fly in here? You shouldn’t have any powers. You shouldn’t even remember when you have a soul.” 

“Yeah, maybe you should check again”, Dean said challenging but he really hoped Gamiel wouldn’t attack Cas. Gamiel came closer as he concentrated again on Cas. 

“How did you do that?”, he finally asked. 

“How did I do what?” 

“How did you manage to keep your grace and the soul? That is not possible.” 

“We’ve been over that already. He doesn’t know. But you seem to know quite a lot. So why don’t you tell us who gave the soul to Cas”, Dean demanded and pointed the blade at Gamiel. “And while you’re at it you can release Sam and Arathiel.” 

Gamiel slowly moved his eyes to Dean. He could tell that the friendly talk was over. 

“You hairless monkey”, he hissed, voice ice cold. “How dare you to order me around? You got nothing to say. You should fall to your knees instead of speaking to me.” 

Dean could feel that there was power to his voice and his knees wanted to buckle but he kept himself up. Gamiel reached for him but before he could touch him Cas grabbed his arm. 

“You will not harm him”, he said, his voice also with that icy tone. 

They looked at each other for what felt like an eternity but finally Gamiel stepped back. 

“Where do you get that power from?”, he asked, now that cheerful tone in his voice again. “That is intriguing.” 

He looked forth between Dean and Cas and Dean wondered what was going on in that crazy head. 

“What if I’m going to hurt Sam?”, Gamiel asked thoughtfully and turned to Sam. Before Dean could even start to panic Cas appeared in front of him. 

“You will not harm him, either. Step away from him and then you will release them both.” 

Gamiel tilted his head. “It’s them”, he slowly said as he snapped his fingers. Arathiel got up, visibly relieved and Sam took a few steps away from Cas and Gamiel. 

“What do you mean?” 

Gamiel quickly looked back at Dean. “Or is it…?”, he mumbled.

Dean could literally see how something was processed in Gamiel’s crazy head and he seemed to come to a conclusion because he jumped at Sam. 

Cas barely got in between them, but he did and Dean rushed over to pick up the angel blade that lay on the floor and then stood next to Sam. 

He handed him the blade. “What happened?” “Don’t ask”, Sam said. “That Gamiel is crazy and he scares me.” Dean nodded. That was something he had already figured out for himself. 

Arathiel also came over to them while Cas and Gamiel where still fighting. “You okay?”, Sam asked him. “Yes.” 

Dean was about to ask what Gamiel was trying to achieve here but said angel suddenly backed up and Cas and he were facing each other, Cas clearly panting more than Gamiel. 

“Okay, consider this test one. Now let’s start the interesting one.” He snapped his fingers and suddenly Dean was standing next to him. Dean wanted to stab that son of a bitch but the angel blade was gone. 

“Don’t you dare hurt him”, Cas said with a gravel voice and Dean tried to step away from Gamiel. 

“Oh but hurting him will be the fun part”, Gamiel said as he grabbed Dean’s shoulder and put the slightest bit of pressure into the touch. Dean heard his bone break and gasped in pain. Gamiel smirked and Dean could see that Sam wanted to come to his side but Arathiel held him back. He said something to Sam and he looked over to Cas and nodded. 

Dean clutched his arm to his body. “What did you do?”, Cas asked, voice dangerously low. 

“I broke some bones”, Gamiel said, the ‘obviously’ went unspoken. “Well, actually I broke the collarbone. And bruised a lot. And I shattered the shoulder.” 

Dean panicked because Gamiel hadn’t shattered anything yet. “Oh right. I didn’t. Well my mind is faster than my actions but we can very easily change that.” 

He extended his hand again and Dean stumbled back but Cas was right there. “Enough, Gamiel, enough. Don’t you lay another finger on him.” 

Gamiel smirked again. “Oh I think I will do more than that.” 

And with that he leaped forward but Cas tackled him and they moved away from Dean. They exchanged hits and kicks and Dean could see the occasional glint of an angel blade but this time Cas definitely had the upper hand. 

Gamiel also seemed to notice that because he backed away more quickly this time. Cas was standing next to Dean now and he did a quick check-over to see if he was hurt anywhere but it didn’t look like it. 

Gamiel stood there, watched them and suddenly he started to laugh. Not just chuckle but a full on body laugh. Dean thought he finally lost it but he felt how Cas tensed next to him. 

“What is so funny?”, Dean asked. 

Gamiel abruptly stopped laughing and looked at him, a dangerous glow in his eyes. “It’s you”, he spit out. “He is an angel for you!”

“What do you mean?”, Dean asked and quickly glanced over to Cas who avoided his eyes. 

“You mud monkey. You insufferable, stupid, hairless ape. You don’t even realize.” 

Dean was still confused but another look over to Cas showed him that he obviously caught on quicker than Dean did, because he was determined not to meet his eyes and even took a little step to the side. 

“What don’t I realize?”, he asked questioningly. 

“He clings to his angel part, to his grace, because of you!” 

Dean felt like he was hit. He turned to Cas who clenched his fists. “So you really meant it when you said you’re above me. This is how much you hate the thought of being a human?” Of being with him, though he didn’t say it. “Do we mean so little to you that you reject your soul for this? You really want to be an angel that badly?” 

Dean could barely keep the pain out of his voice. It had hurt when Cas had rejected him earlier but hearing it now, from Gamiel of all people, that Cas clung to his grace just so he could still be an angel and with that still out of reach for Dean, that hurt like hell. 

Cas didn’t even answer, didn’t look at him, and Dean nodded. “Fine. I get it. I won’t bother you again.” 

He felt Sam’s questioning gaze on him but he ignored it. He was too busy noticing how Cas looked to the ground and how his fists relaxed. It stung to see how relieved Cas was now and Dean cursed himself. 

He should never have kissed Cas. Never. 

He had known that it would get him nowhere if he ever gave in to these feelings but after Cas had reacted so eagerly to his kiss his hopes had spiraled up. Nice to see that they crashed as easily as everything else. 

Gamiel had followed that little exchange with a big smile. Now he shook his head. “You really don’t understand. You’re as stupid as anyone says.” 

“What did I miss now?”, Dean asked, anger boiling up in him. He carefully motioned for Sam to get behind Gamiel. Time to get this over with. 

“You got it all wrong”, Gamiel laughed. Before he could go on Cas stepped up. 

“You’ve said enough, Gamiel.” 

Gamiel stopped but only for a second. “He doesn’t know? You betrayed heaven for him, you killed your brothers for him, you tore heaven apart and he doesn’t know? You’re pathetic, Castiel.” He rubbed his hands. “It will be my pleasure to bring you back to Naomi. She’ll get this disgusting soul out of you.” 

Cas wanted to say something but Dean interrupted him. Partially because Sam wasn’t in position yet but also because he was angry and hurt. “Yeah, Cas, why don’t you go with him? Then you can be an angel again. Isn’t that what you want?” 

This finally made Cas look at him and Dean could see that he had hurt him. He really didn’t want to care but he couldn’t help it. He hated seeing that look on Cas’ face. 

Before he could take back what he said Sam reached a position behind Gamiel, who was too busy enjoying Dean’s and Cas’ little quarrel to notice that. 

Dean quickly looked over to Arathiel who was also ready. Cas obviously hadn’t noticed what they were doing but Dean hoped he would catch up quickly. 

He nodded and they stormed forward. Arathiel materialized angel blades in Sam’s and his hands and Dean snatched one from the ground. 

They reached Gamiel but he was too fast for them. He caught Arathiel at the throat, gripping it tightly and with the other hand he smashed Sam against a wall where he fell unconsciously to the ground. 

Then he turned to Dean. “Did you really think this would work? Did you really think you, or Arathiel, could beat me? Don’t be ridiculous!” 

Dean still tried to stab him but one flick of Gamiel’s hand broke his wrist and forearm. Dean gasped in pain and pressed his arm to his body. Now he couldn’t use any arm properly. 

Gamiel lifted the arm with which he held Arathiel who lost contact to the ground. He had clasped both hands around Gamiel’s arm but he wasn’t able to move it. 

Gamiel put his other hand on Dean’s already hurt shoulder and pushed him to the ground until Dean was kneeling in front of him. “Now that’s how I like it. Naomi will reward me for killing you, Winchester.” 

Dean looked up at him, desperately trying to think of something, anything, but he could do nothing. Sam was still unconscious, Arathiel was busy getting enough air and he couldn’t see Cas. 

Gamiel removed his hand from Dean’s shoulder to materialize an angel blade. “So, who to kill first? The traitor or the ape?” 

He weighted his options but before he could do anything Cas appeared behind him and sunk his angel blade into his back. 

Gamiel seemed genuinely surprised by that and even when his grace lit up he still had that astonished look on his face. His body fell to the ground and Arathiel barely landed on his feet after he was released. 

Dean scrambled to his feet and brushed past Cas, only murmuring a low ‘Thank you’, and went over to Sam. 

He quickly decided that it would be too painful to shook Sam so he nudged him with his foot and Sam came around really quickly. He blinked a few times and looked around. 

“You killed him.” 

“Cas did.” 

“So he didn’t want to go after all”, Sam said and shot him an accusing look. 

“I know”, Dean said and looked down, guilt washing over him. 

Of course he knew that Cas didn’t want to go back to heaven. He proved that often enough. And if Naomi was the one who caused him so much pain then there were all the more reasons why Cas would never want to go back. 

Dean felt bad for ever saying that out loud.

He looked back at Cas only to find that he had cradled his head in his hands. 

Before Dean went over to him he went to Arathiel. “Mind to heal me?” He nodded and touched him lightly at his shoulder and immediately the bone mended and the pain went away. Dean nodded his thanks and while Arathiel helped Sam up and healed him he went over to Cas. 

He carefully touched him at the arm, trying to get his attention but Cas flinched away. “What’s going on?”, Dean asked, keeping his voice low. 

“I killed him. She’s going to know and she’ll come to punish me.” Cas voice was laced with fear. Dean turned to Arathiel. “Does she know? Will she really come?” 

Arathiel nodded. “And she’ll bring reinforcement. You are considered a great threat to heaven’s safety.” 

Dean cursed. Just what they needed right now. Another crazy angel. Dean couldn’t even finish that thought because right in that moment a group of angels appeared. Two stood next to Sam and Arathiel, two next to Dean and Cas and one in the middle of the room. 

“Take the blades”, he ordered and the other angels forcefully removed all the angel blades and made them disappear. Once they were gone another angel appeared. 

She wore a grey suit, had her hair in a tight knot and she gave off the same vibes as Gamiel though she seemed less crazy and better composed. Dean suspected that that was Naomi and Arathiel confirmed that. 

“Naomi”, he greeted her, voice pressed. Her eyes quickly flickered over to him but then she concentrated on Cas. Dean felt the strong need to protect Cas and he positioned himself as a shield between them. 

“Castiel”, she said and Dean heard a low whimper behind him. “It is so nice to see you again.”


	25. Chapter 25

Cas tried to get away from Naomi but the angel at his side kept him in place. Just looking at her triggered so many memories that his head hurt. Again he tried to take a step back but the grip on his arm was tight. 

He took deliberately deep breaths to calm himself down and Dean took a step back so he stood closer to Cas and that helped. 

“Castiel you’re not going anywhere. Esper, let him go.” The hand from his arm was removed but Esper didn’t move away. “Castiel, what happened here?” Naomi asked and pointed at Gamiel’s body. 

“As if you don’t know. What do you want?”, Dean asked before Cas could even form an answer. Cas really wished Dean would stay quiet and not draw Naomi’s attention to him because who knew what she would do to him. 

“You will be quiet, human.” She did nothing else besides that but Dean’s mouth stayed shut. “You killed my right hand, Castiel.” 

“I had no choice”, he lowly said. When he had seen Dean on his knees and Gamiel with the blade he had reacted on autopilot. 

“Killing your brothers is not what I taught you.” 

“Then what did you teach me, Naomi? What did you do to me?” 

“What did I do to you? I fixed you, Castiel. I fixed you.” 

Cas saw how Dean tensed but he didn’t say a word. “I didn’t need to be fixed.” 

Naomi laughed. “You of all angels needed to be fixed. You never truly obeyed. You and your free will nearly destroyed us. And for what? For those humans you love so much?” 

Cas casted his eyes down but now Dean spoke up again. “And you think screwing with his head will help you to get him obey?” 

Cas could hear the disbelieving tone but Naomi ignored him. “We will take you with us and we’ll clean you of that soul and then we will make you into a perfect angel again.” 

“You will not take him with you. You will not lay another finger on him”, Dean said determined and clenched his fists. 

Cas frowned in confusion. Not ten minutes ago he had asked Cas to go with Gamiel and now he seemed ready to defend Cas. He just didn’t understand him. 

Naomi turned to the angel on her right. “Ion, give him a blade.” 

Ion nodded and came over to Cas. He handed him a blade and Cas took it by reflex. Dean had turned around to look at him but Ion went back to Naomi without doing anything else. 

“It’s time to get rid of the disturbances”, Naomi coldly said. “Kill him, Castiel.” 

Dean’s eyes widened as he looked at Cas. “No”, Cas chocked out and tried to stop his hand from rising. “I won’t.” 

Naomi smiled. “You will. You did this a thousand times. You can do it.” 

Dean wanted to take a step back but Cas hand shot forward and kept him in place. Dean looked down at the hand and then back at Cas and he could see the fear in Dean’s eyes but he had no control over his movements. 

He couldn’t defy Naomi, not when she was giving him direct orders. 

“I won’t hurt Dean”, Cas said and if felt like only a matter of seconds since he last uttered these words. 

“But you are, Castiel”, Naomi softly said and pointed at his hand and Cas only now noticed with how much force he grasped Dean. “And from there it’s only a little step to kill him.” 

Cas felt helpless but he kept the hand with the blade down. He feared for Dean’s life and could see that Dean was equally afraid. 

“No”, Cas said with a shaking voice.

“Do it”, Naomi suddenly yelled and Cas arm snapped upwards. Dean never moved his eyes away from his and Cas saw how terrified he was but also that he didn’t blame Cas and that broke through Naomi’s control. 

Cas twisted his wrist in the last moment and instead of killing Dean he sank the blade into his own stomach. He gasped at the pain and Dean’s eyes went even wider when he saw what Cas had done. 

“No”, he whispered and extended his shaking hands but didn’t dare to touch the hilt. “Not again”, Dean said broken and met Cas eyes again. They glistened and Cas was afraid that he would start to cry. 

“It won’t kill me.” 

“It’s an angel blade!”, Dean said as if Cas had missed that fact.

“There is not enough angel left in me to be killed by that. Don’t worry”, Cas said but he felt how quickly he lost blood. Maybe he would die from that. And the look on Dean’s face suggested that he also noticed that. 

“We have to stop the bleeding.” Cas nodded and Dean pulled the blade out. Cas hunched over, the pain blacking his view for a moment an Dean pressed his hands to the wound. 

“Castiel”, he heard Naomi say and looked back at her. Ion had an angel blade in his hand, ready to attack and even Esper was armed now. “You defied my conditioning. How did you do that? You obeyed before. You did what I told you.” 

“Never again”, Cas spit out. 

“I will make you obey. You don’t get to mess everything up again. Ion, Esper, kill the humans, secure Arathiel and Castiel.” 

Ion and Esper went for Sam and Dean, the other angels took a position next to Arathiel and Cas, keeping them from doing anything. Cas could see that Sam had a knife in his hands but Dean was unarmed, he didn’t even notice what Naomi had said, he was too busy putting pressure on Cas stomach but it didn’t help. The blood kept flowing and Cas sunk to his knees. 

Maybe that was it now. With the soul that inhabited his body it was very unlikely to be resurrected again. Maybe it was finally over for him. 

He heard Ion approach and gathered some strength together. Maybe it was over for him but not for Dean. 

He searched for his grace, praying that he would be strong enough to protect him but he couldn’t grasp it and he felt helpless and desperate.

“You will stop right now”, another voice suddenly said. Cas looked up and he saw Joshua standing in the room. Cas thought he hallucinated because Joshua never left the garden, or heaven, but everyone was staring at him, so he had to be real. 

“I have a message for you”, he pointed at Naomi, “and you”, he pointed at Cas. “And I would prefer to talk to you without you bleeding out, so Arathiel, if you would be so kind and heal him?” 

Arathiel brushed past the angel next to him, rushing to Cas’ side. He healed him and Dean carefully removed his hands. He took a good look at the former wound and finally sighed relieved. 

Cas got back up to his feet. “Thank you”, he said to Arathiel. 

“Naomi call your people back, they won’t kill anyone”, Joshua said and Cas noticed that Ion still hat the blade. Naomi nodded and all the angels walked behind her. 

Sam came over to them and stood next to Dean. “Is that Joshua?”, he whispered. “The ‘I’m-talking-to-God-Joshua’?” 

Dean shrugged. “Seems so.” 

“Yes, he is”, Cas said. “What are you doing here?” he addressed Joshua. 

“Like I said I have messages for you. God is not happy.” 

Cas felt bad. Of course God wouldn’t be too happy with him. 

“What’s the message?”, Naomi asked. 

Joshua turned to her. “First of all, you are fired. He doesn’t approve of your way of handling things.” Naomi paled at those words. “Second, you will leave Castiel be.” 

“I won’t”, she protested but Joshua turned to Cas. He was nervous and he didn’t really want to know what God had to say to him. 

“Castiel, God is disappointed with you. Why would you reject the gift He made you?” 

“What gift exactly?”, Cas asked. 

“The soul He gave you. Why would you reject it?” 

“I…He gave me the soul?” Cas couldn’t believe what he heard. The father who was missing, who abandoned them all and who told him to never look for him again, gave this to him? 

“No. Why would He do that? He doesn’t care.” 

Joshua smiled. “Who do you think brought you back all these times? He likes you, Castiel, and He gave you the biggest gift an angel can receive. And now He wonders why you denied it.” 

“If God did this why did it take Him six months to bring him back?”, Dean asked. 

“Choosing the right soul is important. This is not to be rushed”, Joshua explained. 

Cas’ head was spinning too much to pay attention to them. He couldn’t wrap his head around a thing Joshua said. “Why would He do that to me?”, he finally said. 

“It’s His last present to you. One lifetime as a human with a chance to enter heaven as a soul.” 

Cas put his hand over his chest. “One lifetime as human”, he murmured and glanced over to Dean. 

“But his grace is still there. He is still an angel. So your God screwed up.” 

Joshua turned to Dean. “It’s not his fault. Castiel denied the soul, clung to his grace, and now those to parts are merged.” He turned back to Cas. “Why don’t you explain to him why you did it?” 

Dean tensed and Cas thought back at what Gamiel had said and how Dean had interpreted it.

Cas hesitated to say anything and Joshua smiled fondly at him. “You did it for him, didn’t you? It may have been unconscious but it was for him.” 

“Yeah, we’ve been there. We all know why he did it”, Dean said bitterly. 

“You don’t know anything”, Joshua said to him. “You know what he did but you don’t understand his motives.” 

“And you do?” 

Joshua looked forth between Dean and Cas. “I think I do now, yes.” 

Dean turned to Cas. “Care to explain what he means?” Cas felt really uncomfortable and shook his head. “No, not really.” Not with Naomi there. Dean scoffed. “Of course not.” 

Joshua nodded understandingly. “That’s okay. He will understand.” Cas doubted that He would also approve. Joshua stared intently at him. “But he does, Castiel. That’s the reason he gave you this opportunity.” 

Cas frowned. He couldn’t really believe that God would do that for him so he could stay with the Winchesters. With Dean. 

“That was the plan”, Joshua said and Dean looked confused back and forth between them. “Now make the most of it.” 

Cas nodded though he had no idea how he was supposed to do that, because it didn’t look like Dean would stop being angry with him any time soon. 

Joshua turned to Arathiel, who stood next to Sam, instead of joining the other angels and Naomi. “You will help him merge the soul and grace together. Help him remember.” 

“I will.” 

Joshua looked pleased and turned to Naomi now. “You will not harm another angel. And you will be provided with the task of keeping harm from Castiel and Arathiel.” 

“Who will take over my place?” 

“No one. Your ‘department’ will be dissolved. You will tend to more helpful tasks. Like protecting innocent angels.” 

“He is not innocent”, she said disgusted to Cas. 

“He is now. Just like Arathiel. And you will keep them save.” Naomi clenched her jaw but then she relaxed. “If that is Gods will, I will gladly obey.” 

“Very good. Then my work here is done.” And with those words he vanished. 

Naomi turned to Arathiel. “You will stay with them. Help him remember and help him through those memories. Let me know if you need help.” 

“What memories exactly?”, Cas asked, afraid of the answer. “Of everything I did to you. If you merged the soul and your grace those memories will surface sooner or later and Arathiel will make it an active progress so they won’t come back all at once and overwhelm you.” 

“I don’t want to remember.” 

Naomi looked genuinely bad and guilty. “I’m sorry but you have to. They will come back either way, so it will be better if someone is there to guide you through them.” 

Cas believed her so he nodded. “I’m really sorry for what I did to you”, she added. 

Cas heard Dean murmur “As if”, but Naomi didn’t notice and Cas actually believed her. 

“We’ll take our farewell then and find some new tasks for us.” 

“Do that”, Sam said and they also vanished. 

The four of them were alone now and Cas figured that maybe now was the time to explain to Dean what Joshua meant. 

Since Joshua had said that it was alright and that is father approved, the urge to set everything right with Dean got stronger and stronger and he hoped he could still do it. 

But when he turned to Dean and started with: “Dean, I can explain”, Dean turned to Arathiel. “Zap us back home. I’m tired.” 

Arathiel looked at Cas who was hurt by what Dean had said and looked at the ground. 

“I’ll take the car”, Sam said. “Cas, why don’t you join me?” Cas looked up to see what Dean would say to that but he still didn’t look at him so Cas accepted. “Good. Let’s get going then.” 

Sam went outside and Cas followed him, reluctantly to leave Dean alone but also assured that he would be safe with Arathiel. 

Sam was quiet during the short drive and Cas also didn’t want to talk but Sam broke the silence when they reached the bunker. 

“Cas, what happened between you and my brother?” Cas looked down on his hands. “He did something and I hurt him and now he is angry.” 

“Whatever it is that you did or said, I’m sure he’ll come around. He’ll forgive you.” 

Cas smiled, quickly and sad. “I don’t think so. It was, you’d probably call it ‘a low blow’. I’m not so sure he’ll ever forgive me for that.” 

Sam shook his head. “Dean always forgives you. It may take some time but eventually he will.” 

“If you say so”, Cas said, wanting to end this conversation. He was grateful that Sam cared and tried to make him better but he really didn’t want to talk. 

But Sam wasn’t finished yes. “Did you mean whatever you did?” 

Cas shook his head. “Of course not.” 

“Then why did you do it?” 

“I was confused. And afraid”, he added after a short pause.

“So you can set it right. Explain it to him.” 

“He won’t listen. You saw that.” 

“Give him a bit time. He will, eventually.” 

“Okay”, Cas said as he opened the car door, trying to get away from Sam, before he had to go into detail and Sam seemed to understand. 

“Get some rest now.” Cas thought about that for a second and he realized how tired he was. “I think that would be a good idea.” 

They entered the bunker to find Arathiel standing awkwardly in the living room and Dean intently staring into the fridge. 

“Arathiel, relax”, Sam said. “Make yourself at home, sit, or fly off and spent your time somewhere else. We’re going to need a bit rest before you can start working with Cas.” 

Arathiel looked around the room before he lowered himself onto the couch. “I’ll just sit here.” 

Sam sighed and turned to Dean. “Dean, what are you doing?” He closed the fridge door. “There’s enough food for at least two days. I’m going to sleep now. Don’t wake me”, he said to Sam and carefully avoided to look at Cas. 

Something must have shown on Cas’ face because after Sam looked at him he tried to stop Dean. “Wait, don’t you think you should talk to Cas first?” 

“Good night, Sammy”, was all Dean said to that and he brushed past Cas and silently closed the door to his room. 

Dean’s behavior hurt Cas and all he wanted to do now was crawl up his bed and bury himself under the blankets and he went do to just that.


	26. Chapter 26

Dean closed his bedroom door deliberately careful and let himself fall onto his bed. He was too tired to change his clothes and the bed was just too comfortable to move again but it took him some time to actually fall asleep. 

When he finally did he dreamt of Cas, how he was standing big and angelic above him, looking down on him. Then he crushed him and turned around so all Dean could see was his back. 

Dean slowly woke up after that and he rolled onto his back to stare at the ceiling. 

Maybe this was how it was going to be now. Cas still above him, better than him, in every sense of the word. Dean had hoped that now that Cas had some human cravings and needs, they were finally on the same level but of course he had been wrong. 

When it came to Cas he was always wrong. 

His thoughts began to wander and when he thought of how Cas had rejected him he stopped himself. It hurt enough, no need to go through that memory over and over again. 

To stop himself from thinking he got up and checked his shoulder and the mark out of habit but stopped dead when he found nothing on his shoulder. 

He checked his other one, just so be sure, but the mark was gone.

He pushed his sleeves back down, closed his eyes and took ten deep breaths. Maybe he was still asleep. But when he opened them again it was still gone. 

He went into the bathroom, switching every light on. Maybe it was just a fainter color he couldn’t see in the darkness of his room. But even in the illuminated bathroom he couldn’t find a hint of it. 

He slightly started to panic because he had grown quiet dependent, and fond, on it and before he could calm himself down, the thought that maybe something happened to Cas hit him. 

Dean went over to Cas bedroom and silently opened the door, afraid of what he might find, but Cas was there, sleeping safe and sound and Dean watched him a moment longer just to be sure that everything was okay. 

He closed the door again, careful not to wake Cas and went into the kitchen to get a glass of water when he saw a figure in the living-room. He had the strange feeling of déjà vu and felt a shot of adrenalin rush through his body before he remembered that Arathiel was supposed to be there. 

Dean clicked on the light and saw that he was sitting in the exact same position as he had when Sam had ordered him to sit. 

“Arathiel, relax, would ya?” He just looked at him. “I mean if you’re comfortable like this fine, but feel free to lie down, watch TV, get a book or something. “ 

Arathiel looked at the TV, the remote and back to Dean, who sighed. Of course he didn’t know how to use it. 

Dean grabbed the remote and explained it to Arathiel until he was able to change the channels on his own. It reminded Dean of how he had thought Cas how to do that. 

Arathiel changed the channels until he stopped at some old black-white movie. At least he had better taste than Cas who refused to watch movies and shows and instead absorbed every documentary he could find. 

Dean finally went to get his water and decided to ask Arathiel about the mark. When he came back into the room Arathiel had finally relaxed and seemed to enjoy the movie. Dean debated a few moments with himself, he personally hated it if someone talked to him during a movie, but Arathiel decided for him. 

“What’s on your mind?” 

Dean wondered if he was so easy to read that even Arathiel noticed. 

“I wanted to ask you about the mark,” Dean finally said. 

“That’s something you should discuss with Castiel.” 

“Yeah, I probably should but I wanted to know your opinion.” 

“My opinion is that you should discuss that with Castiel.” 

Dean rolled his eyes. “Great, that helps a lot”, Dean sarcastically said and Arathiel turned back to the movie while Dean went back to bed.

Dean took his time until he talked to Cas, he stalled really, and he felt bad for doing so, but he was still hurt and not quite ready to be confronted, again, with Cas’ rejection. He regretted now that he had shut Cas down so harshly when he had tried to talk, and possibly explain everything, to him but Dean couldn’t take it back and Cas didn’t made another attempt. Who could blame him? 

It made for an awkward atmosphere in the bunker. Sam tried to be nice to everyone and get Dean and Cas to talk. Cas sat in the living-room, reading most of the times and never acknowledging Dean’s presence while Dean tried to avoid Cas as best as he could. And if they had to talk they kept it polite and impersonal. 

And Arathiel watched movies, mostly not talking. He hadn’t started working with Cas yet, he said Cas should rest first and he gave him a week off. 

So everyone was walking around the bunker, finding their own space and trying not to talk to each other. 

Arathiel clearly could tell that Dean hadn’t talked to Cas about the mark, if Dean interpreted the look Arathiel shot at him right but Dean waited until another nightmare before he decided to man up and talk to Cas. Maybe they could even avoid the whole Gamiel/Naomi/Joshua thing. 

Cas was back to his three hours a night and when Dean woke up, panting and heart racing, he knew he would find Cas in his favorite chair. Dean silently tapped into the living-room and there he was. Hurled up in the chair, wearing the sweat pants and t-shirt he usually slept in, hair ruffled. 

It still felt strange to Dean to see Cas without his many layers and especially the coat but he had to admit he liked it this way. He looked more human like that. 

Dean was pretty sure he didn’t made a sound but Cas still knew that he was there because he lifted his head and looked at him before turning back to his book without saying anything. 

Dean looked for Arathiel but he was nowhere to be seen and so Dean awkwardly went over to the couch and sat down. Cas looked up again, obviously surprised that Dean stayed. 

Dean fidgeted a bit, he couldn’t decide how to start and Cas closed his book with a sigh. “What do you want, Dean?”, he asked and he didn’t sound too nice. 

Dean frowned even though he didn’t expect anything else. Cas looked expectantly at him, waiting for an answer and Dean cleared his throat. “Remember when you said to me that I should have told you that the mark changed?” 

“Yes”, Cas said. 

“Well, it changed.” Cas sat up a bit. “How?” 

“Ahem, well, it’s kind of gone.” 

Cas closed his eyes as if he was in pain and murmured: “Of course.” 

“What do you mean ‘of course’? Did you expect this? You said you had a theory about it, mind to share?” 

Cas had gone rigid in his chair and he clutched his book. “Like I said you will probably not like it.” 

Dean scoffed. “Yeah, right. Just tell me.” 

Cas swallowed before he started to talk. “Remember that I said the grace could never burn into something living because it is pure creation?” 

As if he could ever forget that, Cas mentioned it often enough. “So what? You want to say that I’m dead inside? Is that it?” 

“Of course not. You’re long past that.” 

“What is your point then?” 

“My point is that the grace is life, creation. When I died you wished for something to hold on to, for me to stay, right?” There were no emotions in Cas’ voice when he said that. 

“I….guess.” Dean answered, reluctantly, even though that was exactly what he wished for. 

“My grace felt that and your wish made this. My grace felt what you wanted and it responded. And the mark was the only thing it could do.” There was still no emotion in his voice. 

“Okay, so I wished for something to hold on to and it gave me your wing. That I get. But why is it gone?” 

Cas looked down at the book in his hands. “Because you don’t need it anymore”, he whispered. 

“What is that supposed to mean?” 

Cas looked at him now and Dean couldn’t decipher if he was angry or sad. “It means that you don’t need it anymore. You’re not holding on to it any longer.” Dean just stared at him, not really getting his point. “It’s unnecessary to you because you don’t feel the same way now.” 

It dawned onto Dean what Cas wanted to say. “You think it’s gone because I don’t need you.” When he met Cas eyes Dean could tell that he was right and anger boiled up in him. 

“So all the times I told you that I need you weren’t enough to convince you. The fact that I kissed you, twice, is not enough to show you that I need you? Here, with me?” Dean laughed. “But then again, why would you care? You said it yourself, you’re an angel and above me. You don’t feel the same way.” 

He was so full of his own pain that he didn’t even notice the hurt expression that passed over Cas’ face. All he noticed was that Cas stayed silent. 

“See, that’s what I meant”, Dean pressed out and stormed away. 

He went back to bed but he didn’t fall asleep. Instead he tossed around the whole night, baffled by how wrong Cas everything got. 

If his theory was true and the mark was gone because Dean didn’t need it any more than it was only because Cas was right there. Why cling to a burn mark if the real thing was right in front of him. 

It really stunned Dean how wrong Cas was. Dean wasn’t big on emotions himself but even he was ready to acknowledge that he had feelings for Cas that were more than just friendship, and it escaped his understanding how, after everything he said and did, Cas could still think he didn’t need him. 

Dean turned on his stomach. But maybe the view from angelic eyes was very different to his own. 

Dean didn’t get any sleep that night and when Sam finally came out of his room, the kitchen was sparkling and breakfast was ready. 

Cas was still sitting in the chair, Dean wasn’t sure he even moved at all, and Arathiel was back in his usual spot. 

When he noticed Dean he stopped him. “I’ll start working with Castiel today. I hope you solved your problems and misunderstandings.” 

Cas turned his head to him and Dean asked: “And what would that have to do with your work?” 

“Castiel will need someone to talk to. Those memories will not be pleasant and it would certainly help him if he could talk to you.” 

Dean turned away without saying anything but he heard how Cas mumbled: “I don’t think that would be good.” 

Dean came into the kitchen only to be greeted by a judging look from his brother. “You’re such a pighead”, he said as he shook his head. 

“What am I supposed to do, Sam?”, Dean asked as he poured himself a cup of coffee. “It’s not like this is only my fault.” 

“Did you let him explain what he did?” 

Dean turned around. “There’s nothing to explain. Trust me. He was very clear. And why do you even care?” 

Sam looked astonished. “You’re my brother, Dean. And Cas is also like a brother to me. And you’re both incredible stupid and oblivious if it comes to feelings.” 

Dean crossed his arms, coffee forgotten on the counter. “And what feelings do you think are involved here?” 

“Like you don’t know. Everyone can see that you’re in love with Cas.” 

Dean’s stomach dropped. Hearing it from someone else was very different than admitting it to himself. Dean turned back to his coffee and decided not to argue with his brother. 

“How long do you know”, Dean lowly asked and really hoped that Cas hadn’t heard a word. That was really a thing he didn’t need. 

“I had a hunch since Cas died but it became obvious when he came back.” 

“Great. Good to know that you noticed and he didn’t, that’s really something.” 

“Maybe he didn’t notice but he feels the…” 

“If you say ‘the same way’ I’m going to hit you”, Dean said as he turned around again. “Because he made it very clear that he doesn’t.” 

Sam stared at him for a long moment but finally gave in. “Fine. If you don’t see it, fine. But Arathiel said he’ll have a session with Cas every second day at two.” 

“And what exactly am I supposed to do with this information?” 

“Whatever you want”, Sam said and left the kitchen. 

Dean cursed. He really wished everyone would just stay out of his life.

 

The rest of the morning he busied himself with everything he could find. He changed the bed sheets, did laundry, stoked up their supplies in the infirmary, cleaned the bathroom and mindlessly rearranged his room. 

When it turned two o’clock he heard how Cas and Arathiel went into the room next door. So they really started today. 

Dean left his room, not knowing where to go but he stopped in the living-room. Maybe he should clean this room too, he thought and got the vacuum. 

When he was done he started to wipe all surfaces, the TV and the table but when he finished with that Cas and Arathiel still weren’t back and it was already over an hour. 

He stood in the middle of the room, unsure what to do now. He heard the front door and Sam came back from his trip to town. He smiled when he saw Dean standing there. He pulled tow magazines out of his bag and threw them to him. “Brought you something to read”, he said and then he went into his room. 

Dean sighed. Fine, he gave in. He would sit here and read. And if Cas came back here, to his chair, okay. He probably would even listen if he wanted to talk. 

Ten minutes later he heard a door, some wings rushing and then Cas came through the door. He looked pale and haunted and Dean wanted to comfort him but he decided that it was Cas turn. If he wanted to share whatever he remembered then he should just talk. 

Cas stared at him and Dean hold his gaze. “I’m here, Cas”, was all he said. 

Cas nodded once and went over to his chair where he crawled up into himself. He looked really miserable and Dean’s heart clenched because he really wanted to help him but Dean decided that it had to happen at Cas’ terms, so he turned back to his magazine. 

“She got me out of purgatory”, Cas said after some time. “She sacrificed a lot of angels to get me back.” 

Dean turned to Cas, surprised at how small he seemed in that chair now. “Why would she do that?” 

“To hold me responsible for what I did, she said. Because she could invest in me. And because I was close to you.” 

Cas fell silent once more and Dean didn’t know what to say, so he did what he was best at, he got Cas some food. 

Cas accepted the plate with a low “Thank you”, and started to eat. 

Dean turned back to his reading when Cas spoke up once again. “She made me lie to you since that first day”, he said in a small voice.

“Did you know what she was doing?” 

“No. When I was at her office I remembered everything but when I was on earth I forgot. Her orders stayed in my head, and I followed them, but I didn’t know.” 

“Then it’s not really your fault, Cas. Besides you did nothing to hurt us.” 

Cas looked at him now, eyes wide. “I betrayed your trust.” 

“But not willingly. And not knowingly. She betrayed you and misused your trust.” 

Cas thought about that for a few seconds and then started eating again. He didn’t say another word and Dean also stayed silent. 

The next day everything was back to normal. They both avoided each other and Sam constantly shook his head. 

“What?” Dean finally snapped at him after the fifth glare he received. “I was there for him yesterday. What else do you want?” 

Sam raised an eyebrow. “And today?” 

“The other thing is not solved. So technically were still not talking.” 

“How old are you, five? Unbelievable”, Sam muttered. “Man up and apologize to him, would you?” 

“I don’t have anything to apologize for.” 

“You really believe that?” Dean nodded. “Fine. Then for god’s sake talk to him.” 

“About what?” 

“About what happened, for starters.” 

Dean shook his head. He would not talk about that. 

“For Christ’s sake! What did you talk about before all this happened?” 

“Trivial thinks. Nothing important.” 

“Why don’t you go back to that then?” 

“I will not pretend that nothing happened. I can’t, Sammy.” 

Sam looked sympathetically at him. “You have to talk to him eventually.” 

“But not right now”, Dean said determined and started to make lunch. He only realized that he made Cas’ favorite food when Sam skeptical looked at him. 

Dean shrugged. It was not like he did it on purpose and Cas needed at least a little bit of comfort. 

Arathiel always came over for the meals but he never touched anything, he just sat down at the table. Sometimes it crept Dean out but he couldn’t force him to eat something. 

Dean made sure that Cas ate enough but he neither looked at him nor talked to him and Cas kept it the same way. 

Until the next afternoon. 

Dean was sitting on the couch with the newspaper in front of him, pretending to read, but he couldn’t concentrate on the words. 

He really just waited for Cas to come through that door and when he finally did Dean wished he could disappear. Cas was shaking and not seeing anything and Dean could swear there were tears in his eyes. 

Dean sat up. “What happened?” 

Cas eyes snapped to his and he finally focused. “Could you make me your chocolate?”, he asked and his voice shook. 

Dean jumped up. “Of course, Cas.” He rushed into the kitchen and made it especially sweet and when he came back Cas was in his chair again, covered with a blanket and generally looking miserable. 

Dean went over to hand him the cup and Cas accepted. He wanted to go over to the couch again but Cas caught his sleeve. “Don’t go?” 

“I just wanted to go back to the couch, Cas, I’m not leaving.” Cas nodded but he looked down and bit his lip. Dean looked at the bowed head and couldn’t bring himself to go to the couch. 

He moved another chair, to sit next to Cas. “Was it that bad?” 

Cas didn’t answer, he just made himself smaller. Dean made himself comfortable in his chair, ready to sit there until Cas was ready to talk. He watched how Cas took careful small sips from his cup but mostly he just held on to it. 

“I didn’t know that emotions could be so…overwhelming and devastating”, Cas finally started. “I knew that they could be intense and confusing, I experienced that but this now…I knew guilt when I was an angel, I felt that often enough and to some extend I grieved but this now…humans are so strange. How do you deal with all this?” 

“Usually you have time to learn. And then it is still overwhelming sometimes. I wish I could say you get used to it, but you won’t. Those emotions, especially those, hit you always hard.” 

Cas stayed silent after that explanation and Dean feared he said something wrong. “What do you have to grief, Cas?”, he eventually asked, and Cas flinched. 

After a few more minutes he slowly started to talk. “Naomi…she wasn’t sure that her orders would take hold in my mind so she made sure.” Cas swallowed. “She drilled into my head to carve them into my brain.” 

Memories of Alfie with the needles in his head flashed through Dean’s mind. 

“She used a drill”, Cas went on, “and she was very skilled. And there were many orders to carve.” 

Dean felt sick when he thought about how painful and horrible this must’ve been. His mind went back when he had asked Cas to stitch him up and his strange reaction to the needle. That made sense now. 

“She made me kill him”, Cas choked out and brought Dean’s attention back to him. “She told me to bring him back, to bring him home and then she made me kill him!” 

“Who, Cas?” Dean asked even though he wasn’t sure he wanted to know. Cas looked at him now and there were definitely tears in his eyes now. “Samandriel.” 

Dean took a deep breath. The last time he had seen Alfie was when they had saved him from Crowley and he still remembered the screams that were caused by his torture and how young Alfie had seemed under all the blood on his face. How grateful he had been that Cas would take him back home. 

“Why?”, Dean whispered. 

“She said he was compromised, broken and that he would pose a threat to us. He screamed that it was her, that she did things to us and I knew that he was right, I knew that she did, but I couldn’t withstand her. When she ordered me to do it my body just reacted, even though I knew Samandriel was right and Naomi was the real threat. I killed him.”

Cas pressed his face to his knees and Dean could hear how his breathing hitched. Dean didn’t know what to do, he wasn’t good at comforting people, that was Sam’s department, but he knew that he had to do something. 

So he moved next do Cas and started to soothingly rub his back. He could feel that Cas was shaking again and Dean really wanted to hug Cas right now and just hold him until everything was better, but he didn’t want to do anything Cas probably wouldn’t want, so he just kept stroking his back. 

It crushed him to see Cas like this and he had to swallow a few times before he could talk. “It wasn’t your fault, Cas”, he finally managed. 

Cas lifted his head a bit, just enough so that Dean could hear him. “How can you say that? I knew what Naomi did, I knew, but I still followed her orders.” 

“Because they were carved into your head. You didn’t do it because you thought it was right, but because she still had control over you. Cas, I know you, and if you would have been yourself you would never have done this. Killing him was not your doing, it was hers. She is responsible for his death. This is not on you.” 

Cas slung his arms around his legs and squeezed himself into a tight ball. “Go away”, Dean heard him say, voice muffled. 

Dean hesitated, he didn’t want to leave Cas like this but if this was what he wanted…. “I’ll be in my room”, he said as he got up but Cas showed no sign that he had heard him. 

Dean went into his room and started pacing. He had to keep himself from hitting something, preferably Naomi’s face, for what she did to Cas. His only comfort was that she would never do something like this to another angel. 

He kept pacing until his stomach reminded him that it was time for dinner. He went into the kitchen, deliberately avoiding the living-room, and he found that Sam had already started preparing something. 

He went over to him to check what exactly he was doing. It looked good but Dean hated it if someone was working in his kitchen so he nudged Sam. 

“Scoop over, I’ll finish.” 

“I did good so far”, Sam said and held on to the knife. 

“Yes, you did, but please let me now.” 

Sam smiled. “You’re such a good house wife.” 

“Shut up, bitch”, Dean said but smiled. 

“Jerk”, Sam replied, also grinning wide but Dean’s smile faded quickly with the next thing Sam said. “What’s up with Cas? How long has he been sitting in the chair like that?” Dean sighed. So he hadn’t moved. 

“Since this afternoon.” Even though he had his back to Sam he knew that he wanted to ask why but he didn’t pry and Dean was thankful for that. 

He concentrated on cutting everything they needed for their diner so he didn’t really notice the light footsteps that approached him until someone lightly touched his arm. 

Dean turned and couldn’t describe how happy it made him to see Cas up and walking. Cas held the empty mug and Dean snatched it out of his hand and went to the sink to rinse it out. 

“Thank you, Dean”, Cas said and Dean quickly smiled. “No problem. It’s not so difficult so make.” 

“You know what I mean.” “Yes, I know”, Dean said as he turned around and leaned against the counter. 

Sam was sitting at the table and tried to make himself smaller, so as not to interrupt them. 

“I know you probably think I’m lying, but it means a lot to me what you said. I needed to hear that.” 

Dean scrubbed his face. “I’m glad I could help”, he said and turned back around. 

It was true, though. Why would it make a difference to Cas what he said? It was not like Cas held Dean in high regards. 

But still, Dean was relieved that he was able to help him. He didn’t want to see Cas crushed by things he was not responsible for. 

Cas had sat down at the table, too, and he and Sam started talking about some book they found in the storage room and Dean made diner, listening to their bickering and he felt contend. 

He was pretty sure his feelings were never to be reciprocated but he could totally live with how it was right now. That was enough.


	27. Chapter 27

When Arathiel and Cas went to the next session Arathiel shot him a serious look that really made Dean uneasy. If that look was meant to tell him that this session would be bad then he didn‘t want to know what Cas would remember. 

So Dean sat in his usual spot and waited nervously for Cas to come out of his room. But he didn’t. 

Instead Arathiel came. “He won’t leave his room.” 

Dean’s stomach dropped. “What did he remember?” 

“You should go to him.” 

Dean nodded absently and started to walk towards Cas’ room. He heard no wings, so he assumed that Arathiel stayed this time. 

Dean hesitated at Cas’ door but finally he opened it. Cas was sitting on the ground, head in his hands again. Dean went over and kneeled down in front of him. 

“What happened, Cas?” 

Cas looked a t him and laid his hand on Dean’s chest, right above the heart. “It’s beating.” Dean covered his hand with his own. “Of course it is.” 

“You’re alive. I didn’t kill you.” 

“Of course you didn’t kill me. Why would you think that?” 

Cas eyes were wide and he looked afraid. “It was not real. It was not real”, he repeated over and over again. 

“No it was not real, Cas.” 

Cas fell silent at that and he seemed to concentrate on Dean’s heartbeat. “She made me practice. Over and over again. I had to do it over and over again…” his voice trailed off. 

“What, Cas?”, Dean carefully urged him to talk. 

“To kill you. She made me practice to kill you.” 

Dean went cold. He somehow had expected that, given what had happened not two weeks ago but he had thought that it wouldn’t be so hard on Cas since he already remembered bits and pieces of that. Seemed he was wrong. 

“Why would she do that?” 

“To break me”, Cas whispered. “And because she knew you were the biggest obstacle.” 

“What?” 

“She knew I couldn’t, I wouldn’t, kill you. So she made me practice until it didn’t mean anything to me anymore. Until I could do it without hesitation.” 

Dean swallowed. “How long did it take?” That was probably not the best question but he had to know. 

“Over a thousand times”, Cas brokenly said. “And all your bodies were just lying there and she was so proud of me and I didn’t feel a thing.” His voice trailed off.

“It wasn’t real, Cas. You didn’t kill me. And you overcame it here. You fought against it.” 

“But it was real”, Cas said. “Up in heaven it was real. You begged me not to do it, not to hurt you and in the beginning I didn’t, I fought her and for that she hurt me and she killed you and…” Cas breathing hitched again and Dean put a hand to his head and pulled him forward to cradle him against his chest. 

“It’s okay, Cas. I’m right here. I’m not hurt and Naomi has no more power over you. It’s just a memory now. It can’t harm you.” 

Cas clung to him, the hand over his heart not moving and even though it was the totally wrong moment Dean’s hope rose again just like his heart started to beat faster as he realized how close they were. 

Cas seemed to notice, too, because he pulled away and Dean cleared his throat. “You should rest now. I’m going to…”, he motioned at the door and started to get up but Cas held him in place. 

“You misunderstood what Gamiel and Joshua said.” 

Dean’s heartbeat went back to normal at those words. He really didn’t want to talk about this. “What was there to misunderstand? They were very clear.” 

“You misunderstood because I lied to you.” 

“What do you mean you lied to me?”, Dean asked, even though he doubted it would make a difference, besides hurting him further. 

“This vessel did not betray me.” Dean just stared at him and Cas lowered his eyes. “You were right. I wanted to kiss you.” 

Dean had some difficulties breathing. “Why would you lie about that?”, Dean asked after a few seconds, voice hard. 

“Because I didn’t know what to do”, Cas answered, sadness and shame in his voice. “I remembered killing you and didn’t know what was happening and you said you couldn’t lose me again and I couldn’t promise you that and I didn’t want to hurt you and I’m really sorry”, Cas rambled.

Dean got finally up and Cas hand fell down. Cas looked like he wanted to plead with him but Dean silenced him. He had some difficulties processing what Cas had said. 

“But you said it. You’re an angel and I’m just a man. Why would you ever want me?” Because no matter how much that had hurt him it was plausible what Cas had said. That was exactly the reason Dean had never made a move on Cas. 

It was not only because he was a guy or relationships in Dean’s live were generally difficult but because why would an angel ever feel that way for him? 

They didn’t even belong to the same species and Dean’s soul was tainted. Had to be. He had been in hell and he was no saint not to mention all the people he killed. Dean knew that Cas had been able to see his soul so there was no way he would ever fall for something stained like this. 

“I’m not an angel anymore, Dean”, Cas silently said. 

“Yeah, maybe, but everyone was very clear that you held on to the important part for some reasons. So if it’s not what I think than what is it?” 

“I feared I’d be useless to you. That you wouldn’t need me anymore.” He quickly looked at Dean’s shoulder. “And I was right. What I have left is not enough.” 

“Not enough for what?” 

”For you.” 

“You’ve got to be kidding me! How often do I have to tell you that I need you?” 

“But you obviously don’t”, Cas said and his voice got louder. “If you would the mark wouldn’t have vanished.” 

“It vanished because you’re here!” Dean shouted and Cas shut up, staring at him. “You said your grace responded to my wish?” Cas nodded. “I wished for you, Cas. For you to come back. And I got this instead as something to remember you by. But you’re here now. You’re back. That’s why it’s gone. Because I have you right here.” 

“Oh”, Cas said. “I thought…..” 

“Yeah, you thought a lot of stupid things.” 

Dean saw a spark of anger in Cas’ eyes as he got up. “As if you’re any better than me. How could you so easily believe what I said?” 

“Maybe because that’s what I always feared!” 

Cas stared again at him. “How could you? You’re the righteous man. You’re the brightest human I have ever seen.” 

“Well, with everything I have done, this is somehow hard to believe.” 

Cas took a step into his direction. “Don’t ever doubt that. Your soul is pure and bright. Untainted.” 

Dean rubbed his neck strangely flattered by what Cas had said. “Okay if what you say was a lie then what Gamiel and Joshua meant was…” “…that I clung to my grace because I wanted to be able to still help you. To be of use to you.” 

Dean sighed. “Okay, we have to settle this now and forever. You don’t have to be useful to me. I don’t need you to be an angel and strong and everything. I just need you to be here and healthy, okay? You really have to understand that.” 

“Okay”, Cas nodded. “But you have to understand that you’re not unworthy. You deserve every bit of happiness that comes to you.” 

“Oh yea?” Dean smiled and thought back at how Cas had said that he had wanted to kiss him and Dean felt that now was the time to repeat that. But before he could make a move Cas was already there and kissed him. 

He pressed himself against Dean, who had one hand on his back to keep him right in place and the other in Cas hair again. This time neither of them broke the kiss and when they finally pulled away they were both breathing heavily. Dean couldn’t help but to sigh content and Cas put another quick kiss to his lips. 

They didn’t really talk about the change in their relationship it just came naturally and slowly. The only real talk they ever had about their new relationship was about taking it slow. And they both thought it would be a good idea. Dean told Sam, of course, but the only real reaction he got was a muttered “Finally” and a louder “I’m happy for you both.” 

After that Cas moved into Dean’s room and the empty side of it finally got some personality. Since that last session Cas had with Arathiel, he even slept longer. Arathiel said that was because the soul and the grace were now fully merged and that meant Cas was even more human now. Dean didn’t know what he meant by that since Cas was still able to teleport but if Arathiel was sure then he wasn’t going to question that. 

Since they were sleeping together both of them had considerably less nightmares. Dean caught Cas staring at him at night, when he couldn’t sleep anymore but he didn’t mind. It was somehow relaxing to wake up and see those blue eyes locked on his face. 

Apart from that nothing really changed. Sure, they stole a kiss here and there and when they were together in the living-room hey actually sat together but that was it for now.

This night Dean went to bed before Cas because he was busy cataloging things with Sam and it didn’t look like they would be done soon. When he woke up Cas was with him in bed, facing him, arm slung around his middle. 

Dean carefully tried to remove the arm but Cas just snuggled closer. Dean couldn’t help but smile at that but he kept trying because he really needed to drink something. 

When he finally managed to unwrap himself from Cas he stirred and looked sleepily at him. “What you doing?”, he mumbled. “Just getting something to drink, go back to sleep.” 

Cas nodded but Dean knew he would wait for him to come back so he went straight into the kitchen, not wanting to stay out of the warm bed longer than really necessary. 

When he turned around someone was standing in the kitchen. Dean grabbed for a knife from the counter but then he recognized the man. He was one of Naomi’s angels, Ion, or something. 

“You won’t need the knife”, Ion said. “Naomi wants to see you. I am supposed to bring you and your brother to her.” 

Dean lowered his knife and put the glass away. “Why?” 

“She didn’t tell me.” 

“Why didn’t she come?” 

“She currently isn’t able to leave her post.” 

That sounded really suspicious but Dean nodded. “Fine. I’m going to wake them.” 

“No,” Ion stopped him. “Just Sam.” 

“What about Cas?” 

“Castiel’s presence is not required.” That really made Dean wonder and before he went to wake up he quickly snuck into their room and indeed Cas was still awake. 

“Come back to bed now”, Cas said but Dean shook his head. 

“Ion is here, he wants me and Sam to come with him.” Cas sat up. “Ion?” “Mh-mh”, Dean answered while he searched for the angel blade. 

“Just….you?” 

“Naomi seemed to want to see us.” Cas got up now and Dean finally found the blade so now he was looking for something to wear. “Why would Naomi want to see you and not me?” 

“Don’t know”, Dean said while putting on his jeans. “But it’s strange.” “Promise you’ll be careful and on alert.” 

“Promise,” Dean said, voice muffled because of the shirt he was putting on. When he got his head free again Cas was standing in front of him. Dean could tell that he was worried. “I will be careful, I promise”, Dean said and kissed Cas. “If something goes wrong, we’ll pray to you and Arathiel.” 

Cas nodded and handed Dean his blade. He took it and went out of the room leaving Cas behind. 

He woke Sam up and gave him all the infos he had and Sam also thought it was fishy. When they finally came back into the kitchen they were both heavily armed but Ion seemed not to notice. He touched both their shoulders and suddenly they were standing in the woods. And they were facing Crowley. 

“Where’s Naomi? I thought we were to meet her?” 

“Well, obviously I’m not Naomi. Ion lied, you moron.” They both looked over to Ion who shrugged. “It’s always good to have an angel on the paycheck,” Crowley explained and then turned to Ion. “Go and kill him.” Ion nodded and then disappeared. 

“Kill who?”, Sam asked. “Your little pet angel slash human of course.” Dean went cold. Sure Cas was awake and not asleep like Crowley obviously believed but he didn’t expect to be attacked so Dean immediately started to pray to him. 

“Cas, Ion is coming for you. You have to go.” He paused, unsure now if Cas could really hear him. “Cas you have to get out, you hear me? Ion’s coming for he, he’s working for Crowley.” 

He kept on praying until Crowley caught on. “You’ll stop doing whatever it is you’re doing right now”, he said and chocked Dean with a move of his hand. Sam wanted to attack him but Crowley just closed his hand and Dean fell to his knees. 

“Stay where you are, moose.” Sam clenched his weapon and Dean started to feel dizzy. “Let him go.” Sam demanded but Crowley made no attempt to release Dean. “What do you want?” 

“I want the angel dead who keeps saving you.” He looked pointedly at Dean. “I nearly had you but he healed you. I want him dead because he keeps saving your bloody lives.” Before Sam could say anything else the angel in question showed up. 

He looked ruffled and he was bleeding from a shallow cut on his cheek. 

Crowley released his hold on Dean. “How is it that you always survive?”, he asks Cas. “Maybe your employees are not as good as you think”, Sam snapped while Dean was busy getting enough air but finally his breathing eased. 

Cas had went over to them and stood at their side while Dean came shakily to his feet. “Why is it always me who gets choked?” 

“You just look so pretty on your knees”, Crowley said. “Cas should have some experience with that, too, shouldn’t he?” he asked with a pointed look at Dean. 

“I believe that is none of your business”, Cas said, voice stern. “So what now, Crowley? You’re alone and we’re all armed. What’s your glorious plan now?” 

“Who says I’m alone?” Crowley smiled and snapped his fingers and Ion appeared again, right in front of Cas. He raised his blade and right before he could stab Cas, Arathiel appeared, showed him out of the way and the blade hit him right in his chest. 

Cas just stared, Dean gasped and Sam rushed to Arathiel’s side. Arathiel extracted the blade and let it fall to the ground and Dean could see that it was one of the blades that hung on the wall in his room. 

“You bloody idiot”, Crowley shouted and Ion turned around to him. 

“You said a normal blade would work on him. Who could know that Arathiel”, and he spit the name out, “would save him?” 

“I’m surrounded by idiots,” Crowley said and rolled his eyes. Then he pulled a gun and shot Ion in the head. He fell to the ground and his grace exploded. 

Everyone looked wide eyed at Crowley. “What?” he asked. “I melted one of your fancy little blades down.” He looked back at the gun. “Who could’ve thought that it would work so well.” He looked at Cas and pointed the gun right at his head. “And it should also work on you.” 

Dean pulled Cas behind him but Crowley just laughed. “Don’t worry squirrel, I’ve got enough bullets for all of you.” This was really a tricky situation because that gun could kill all of them and he was faster with the gun than they were with their blades. 

Arathiel even took a step back because no matter where he was hit the probability that he would die was quiet high. 

“So, who to shoot first?” Crowley asked and pointed the gun at one after another and then he shot Arathiel in the stomach. 

He staggered back, hands over the wound and gasped. His graze did not explode but Dean could very clearly see the light that poured out of him. 

“One down, three to go”, Crowley said. He moved the gun until it pointed at Dean. “Step aside and you’ll live a few minutes longer, stay and I’ll gladly kill you in front of your angel boyfriend.” 

Dean didn’t move an inch. He would not watch Cas die again. Crowley shrugged but before he could pull the trigger the gun disappeared from his hands and Naomi showed up. 

“Naomi”, Crowley said. “Haven’t seen you since the dark ages.” 

“Crowley”, Naomi responded and Dean could clearly hear the disgust in her voice. 

“Fancy the haircut.” 

“You will leave them alone”, she demanded without reacting to what Crowley had said. 

“And why would I do that?” 

“Because God wanted Castiel to live.” Dean wasn’t really sure what was going on but obviously that meant something to Crowley because he blinked like he couldn’t believe what he’d heard. 

“You can’t mean this. He wanted this pathetic excuse for an angel to live?” 

“Yes and if you don’t back up, I will fight you.” Dean could almost see how Naomi’s eyes started to glow. 

“Slowly love”, Crowley said and stepped back. “If you remember our time in Mesopotamia I’m a lover not a fighter.” 

“Then you’d better be on your way.” 

“As you wish.” He looked at Dean and Sam. “I’ll be back for you two boys.” And with that he disappeared. 

“What the hell was that?” Sam asked while Naomi went over to Arathiel and healed him. 

“What do you mean?” 

“You two know each other? And why would he step back from killing Cas? And what the hell happened in Mesopotamia? I thought he was Scottish.” 

Naomi raised an eyebrow. “Well, obviously he lied. Maybe his vessel is from Scotland but he is much older than you can imagine.” She tilted her head as if she was listening to something. “I’ll leave you know. And don’t trust other angels. We don’t know who also betrayed us. Arathiel is safe but don’t trust others.” And she was gone before any of them could say something.

“Well, that was confusing”, Dean said after a few seconds and walked over to Cas who was still bleeding. He smoothed his thumb over the cut and Cas tilted his head a bit. 

“You okay?” Dean asked. “Yes”, he said. “But I do believe our bedroom took some damage.” Dean nodded but before he could say something Sam interrupted. “Maybe we should head back. I don’t like being here out in the open.” 

They all agreed and so Cas and Arathiel took them back home. Dean and Cas landed in the hallway and Cas frowned. “Something is wrong.” 

Dean wanted to ask what that was supposed to mean but he suddenly heard Crowley’s voice through the door. “Isn’t it amazing what a little angel warding on the outside of the bunker can do.” 

“Leave us alone, Crowley. You heard Naomi”, Sam told him. Crowley laughed. “She said I’m supposed to leave Cas alone. She wasn’t talking about you, Moose.” 

Dean and Cas sprinted to the door but before they reached it a shot rang through the air.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm terribly sorry for not updating last week but I was on a trip and had no internet. This is also kind of the last chapter that I have ready so the next one might take a few weeks. Sorry for that. But now, please enjoy

He thought his life, or existence rather, was good. He never really regretted any decisions he made, he did what he was told, he saved some lives, he ended some and overall he believed he was one of the good guys. 

So when Arathiel stepped in front of Sam it wasn’t really a conscious decision. Keeping Sam, Dean and Castiel save had just become a crucial part of him. 

He admired how they stood up against everything that came their way and how they fought for each other and he held a great amount of respect for Castiel. He had found something he believed in, someone, and he fought for that, even rebelled and died for that. 

Not many angels were that passionate. 

And Arathiel liked to believe that some of that passion rubbed up on him because on more than one occasion he fought for them even though he didn’t have to. So when the bullet hit him straight in the chest he couldn’t find it in him to regret the move. 

He felt how the bullet hit his flesh, tore his muscles and grazed his lungs. He could also feel that it was one of the angel blade bullets. The odds that he would survive this were good if he got the right treatment immediately but since that was wishful thinking it was more likely that this would prove to be a fatal wound. 

He heard Sam shout and then Dean and Castiel were there but Crowley was already gone. Again. He fell to the ground and tried to get some air in his lungs but it was difficult and painful. 

He probably passed out because when he came to again he was carried into the infirmary. He looked down and saw his grace. Confusion hit him. Why didn’t it explode? There was no way he could survive this, shouldn’t survive this. Many angels died of lesser wounds. 

He felt how Dean and Sam laid him down on the bed. He felt how Dean cut through his clothes and he saw that he shouted something at Cas and Sam but he couldn’t make out the words because he only heard the blood rush in his ears and he felt dizzy. 

“…too much blood…” he heard Dean say while he pressed some gauze onto the wound. Castiel took over and applied as much pressure as he could and the jolt of pain that rushed through Arathiel made him wide awake. 

His hand shot up and grabbed Castiel’s wrist. “Don’t”, Arathiel choked out. “What do you mean ‘Don’t’?”, Castiel said, confused. “No use,” he managed to say before a cough hit him. There was a lot of blood. 

He knew he could only survive with the help of another angel but it was very unlikely that one would come to his rescue. Since he took on the task of watching the Winchesters he wasn’t in high regards with the other angels. 

“Don’t be stupid, Arathiel. You’re not dying.” Arathiel looked at Sam and he could see that despite his words he hadn’t much hope. Before he could try to say anything else a wave of pain hit him again and he fell unconscious. 

He didn’t know how much time had passed but when he came around the next time they were still working on him and the pain cut hot and red through his body. 

“I don’t think the sedation is working.” 

“That’s because we don’t know how much of what to give him”, Dean retorted. “He’s losing way too much blood”, Sam desperately said. They were still trying to save him. Why?, he wondered. Not because he didn’t believe they cared but because he couldn’t understand why he was still alive, grace still intact. Before he could do anything the darkness took him again. 

“…still in there…grace fighting…” 

“…remove…” 

“…can’t…won’t survive…” 

“….have to try….” 

Arathiel couldn’t really concentrate to make out everything that was said and he drifted forth and back. He finally decided that it was to exhausting to stay awake so he let the darkness take him again. The last thing he heard was Castiel’s voice: “Are you sure he would want this?” 

The second time he came around he felt light, like he floated and it reminded him of flying, up high in the sky. And it reminded him of the time Naomi came to him to ask to join her team. It was ages, centuries, ago but he could still recall the lightness of his head when he understood what she was offering. 

He had been so proud then. He lost himself in the memory of his first mission, the rush of excitement he had felt and remembered how stupid, naïve and young he had been. 

The next memory he woke up to was his first meeting with Gamiel. How impressive he had seemed. How he had tried everything to make Gamiel notice him, impress him. 

The first tingle of fear when he saw how Gamiel handled a prisoner, how he took joy in hurting fellow angels. His first thought of leaving the team, his first meeting with Naomi and her drill. And then the second and third and fourth…. 

Before he could remember more he let himself fall back into the darkness. 

The next time he woke up he knew it was final. He felt heavy like he never had before, every bone pressed against his flesh, everything pressed him down. He felt his heart, beating slow and heavy in his chest, he felt the air that rushed into his lungs every time his chest expanded and he felt pain. It was a slow, aching pain everywhere in his body, from the top of his head to the tips of his toes and everything in between. 

It made his skin crawl and he wanted to squirm but everything was just too heavy. He tried to open his eyes but he couldn’t. He remembered that he still had his ears so he focused on them. And indeed he could hear. 

He heard the occasional drop from the sink. He heard the TV that was running in the living room. And he heard his heartbeat. And that was it. 

Someone came to his feet right next to him and if he could have moved he would have jerked with surprise because he didn’t hear him. 

“Arathiel?”, Sam asked, keeping his voice down. “Are you awake?” He tried to open his eyes or move his hands but he couldn’t. Something must have twitched though because he heard how Sam stepped a few steps away. “He’s waking up”, he yelled down the hall and a few seconds later Arathiel noticed more feet approaching. 

“Really?”, Dean asked, obviously standing right next to his bed. “’Cause I can’t see a difference.” 

“He is. Believe me.” Sam answered.

“Why isn’t he opening his eyes?” 

“Because he doesn’t remember how.” Cas voice was quiet. “I, too, had some difficulties in the first few days.” 

He tried to see their souls to find out what they were feeling but he couldn’t. There was nothing but darkness around him. Darkness and silence. He swallowed. He had never felt that separated from everything than right this moment. 

Through the pure shock of everything that was missing he managed to open his eyes. They needed a few seconds to adjust, which was strange enough, but when he finally managed to make out some forms and shades he was horrified. 

Everything was a bit blurry but he could see. Except he didn’t see anything. 

No souls, no movements in the air, no changing of the living things around him. He couldn’t even feel the earth turn beneath him. He gasped. The shock sent a new wave of pain through him and he groaned. 

Sam moved into his vision. “Take it slow. Don’t make any rash movements. Your wound is still healing.” Arathiel didn’t understand what he was saying. If he was alive there should not be a wound at all. 

He tried to remember anything that happened after they laid him down on this bed but he couldn’t, his brain felt sluggish and he felt like something was missing. He focused on Sam. “What happened?”, he tried to ask but his vocal cords weren’t working like he wanted and he was not sure what he just said. 

Sam hesitated. “We extracted the bullet.” “Not healing”, he managed to say and Sam definitely jumped at that. 

“Yeah, well, we kind of had to extract your grace with it.” 

That sentence hung in the air and nobody said a word. “What?”, Arathiel finally croaked. He couldn’t be hearing this right. No way. 

Cas stepped forward. “The bullet hit the center of your grace but it fought. They were kind of mingled together and we couldn’t remove the bullet without damaging your grace so we extracted them both. We have them here”, he gestured towards a shining vial, “but they are still fighting. We’ll have to wait.” 

Arathiel couldn’t tear his eyes away from the grace. His grace. He could see the bullet if he really strained his eyes and it seemed to be true what Cas said. 

“If your grace wins this you can have it back.” If. It wasn’t sure that his grace would win this. Maybe he had to stay human. For the rest of his life. Of his very short life. 

He could feel panic creep in and he wasn’t used to the strength of the emotion. He tried to calm himself down before he started to hyperventilate and somehow it worked. He took a deep breath. Now everything he felt made sense. His body felt so heavy because there was no grace to help carry it.

Sam, Dean and Cas were staring at him like he would freak every moment or expected him to break down. He felt like maybe they were right. He admired Castiel for his choices and willpower but he could never imagine to be a human himself. 

They were all miserable, even when they were happy, there was always some negative emotion attached to that feeling. And Arathiel didn’t know if he could handle that. 

After a few more minutes he decided that he would not break down right now. His grace was still fighting so he wouldn’t give up hope either. 

The Winchesters seemed to notice that because suddenly they sprang into action. “Okay, I’m gonna make some food”, Dean said and looked at Cas. “Why don’t you go and prepare a room for him?” Castiel nodded and went away. Dean turned to Sam but he talked before Dean could say anything. “I’ll get him some clothes.” Dean agreed and they both left the infirmary. 

Arathiel tried to sit up but he still couldn’t move and so all that he could do was stare at his grace.


	29. Chapter 29

He was like a newborn baby. Everything was strange and new and he had to relearn how to use his body. 

The first challenge had been to get out of the bed in the infirmary and get dressed. Only then did he notice the bandage around his torso, covering the wound. Once he saw that it started to itch and it didn’t stop. 

The first day was a total sensory overload for him. Everything felt sharper and there was always something that itched and he couldn’t stop it. He had never really thought about the fact that his clothes actually touched his body but now he could feel it everywhere and it drove him mad. 

Additional to that he felt trapped. He could feel his body, every part, but nothing beyond it. His body was a prison to him and the key to unlock it was still busy fighting off the bullet. 

A new experience for him was the bathroom. Sure he theoretically knew how to use it but doing so with his own very human body? A totally different thing. 

He knew that Castiel had some kind of, well, practice before he became the human he was now. Arathiel knew that he fell before, if only for a short time, but he still couldn’t understand how he fell into that role so easily. How he operated his body like it was never different and how he couldn’t miss all the things he was able to notice as an angel. Souls, aging, feelings. 

It was hard for Arathiel to decipher the emotions of the people around him because usually he could read everything in the souls. But that was no longer possible. 

And then the pain. He didn’t know a wound could hurt like that. Dean assured him that it was bad, yes, but not endangering his life, not anymore, and that it would heal just fine. He had just nodded to that. He had never been a big talker but now it seemed just pointless to strain himself just to get his vocal cords moving. So he didn’t, most of the time. 

And it was exhausting. Just being alive was exhausting to him. He felt tired all the time and whenever he moved or got up he had to lie back down because it strained him.

So Arathiel had spent the first few days in his new room, lying on his bed, but he couldn’t bear the silence that spoke of everything he had lost. 

On the third day he decided to move into the living-room. He managed to get himself out of bed and he made it until the door but then he felt his knees tremble. He hated feeling so weak and vulnerable but there was nothing he could do about it. He hated to ask for help and so he debated a few more seconds with himself, who to call but luckily Dean came out of his room opposite to Arathiel’s. 

He stopped when he saw Arathiel. “You wanna go somewhere?” 

“Living-room”, Arathiel said. 

Dean came over. “You really shouldn’t move. Your wound could open again.” 

Arathiel feared that he would insist that he lay back down but instead Dean threw his arm over his shoulder. “All right then, living-room it is”, he said with a strange voice and Arathiel suspected that everything had been clear on his face, he wasn’t able to control it yet, and he hated it. Hated feeling so weak, relying on someone, being as easy to read as an open book. It made him feel inferior. 

Before Dean could start to move him he stopped him. “Please”, Arathiel said and gestured towards the vial with his grace. He hadn’t let it out of his sight since this whole thing happened, fearing that it would lose if he stopped paying attention to it, and he sure as hell wasn’t willing to do so now. Dean seemed to understand what he meant because he instantly snatched it from the bedside cabinet. 

He didn’t try to give it to Arathiel and Arathiel wasn’t even sure if he could hold it. Maybe he would just drop it. And then it would be over. His grace would go back into his body, weakened by that, and then it would finally lose. Maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing, Arathiel thought wearily and stared at it a few seconds longer, weighing his options. 

“Don’t worry”, Dean interrupted his thoughts. “It will win.” 

Arathiel didn’t comment on that and Dean helped him into the living-room. 

After a few hours of mindless shows Castiel came over to him. He had offered to help Arathiel with the transition days ago but Arathiel had sent him away. 

He didn’t think that he could ever cope with being human, certainly not like Castiel did and he saw no point in learning to be one. He only waited for his grace to win and if that didn’t happen, well, he probably wouldn’t be around much longer after that. 

Castiel cleared his throat and Arathiel realized that he had totally been lost in his thoughts. 

“How is the wound?”, Castiel asked and Arathiel suspected that it wasn’t the first time. 

“I don’t know. Dean says it could still open but it’s not a threat to my life anymore.” 

“That is good.” 

Arathiel’s gaze fell on the vial again. “Did you contact Naomi?” Because if he could just get another angel to give his grace a bit of strength then it would win in no time. 

Cas nodded. 

“And?” 

“She is not going to help you, Arathiel. I’m sorry.” 

“Why not?” 

“She says since you’re human now you’re no longer her responsibility. And since no one ever heard of a grace doing this…” Cas shrugged. 

Arathiel clenched a fist. “She’s not going to risk an angel’s life for that.” There was spite in his voice but he also felt utterly defeated. His grace wouldn’t win this. He knew that. 

“We tried to reach some other angels but we couldn’t find one.” 

Arathiel let out a bitter laugh. “Of course not. Naomi is keeping them away from you.” 

Castiel casted his eyes down. “I’m sorry, Arathiel. I know that this isn’t what you wanted.” 

Arathiel watched him very closely but he couldn’t decipher what he really meant. “Why wouldn’t I want this? It’s giving me a chance to survive.” 

Castiel looked back at him. “But you don’t want to be human.” 

“It’s not like I have a choice on that matter.” 

“But you do. And all I’m asking is that you don’t make any rash decisions. Wait and see what happens with your grace. And if it loses give the human life a chance, okay?” 

Arathiel looked down at his hands. So Castiel knew that he thought about killing himself. This would probably not make things easier. 

“Just give them a chance, okay?”, he lowly said before Sam entered the living-room. 

It was the first time he saw him because he had refused to see anyone before. He couldn’t have helped that Dean barged in with soup and nutritious and easily digestible food or that he barged in to check on his wound and Castiel had discarded his wishes to offer his help and to check on him but Sam had respected his wish and now he seemed really surprised to see him out of his room. 

“Shouldn’t you be resting or something?” 

Arathiel sighed. “I am resting, technically. My grace is doing the hard work. And I couldn’t stand my room anymore.” 

Sam nodded and sat down on the couch next to him. “What are we watching?” 

“I don’t know. I just had it running so that there was some…” he trailed off, not wanting to admit how the silence unnerved him. 

Sam nodded. “Okay. Mind if we watch a docu?” 

Arathiel shook his head and Sam snatched the remote to change the channel. It was something about lore and monsters in medieval times and even though it was mostly correct the could still provide Sam with some more details just like Castiel. 

In the end Sam got a paper and pen and tried to write everything down. 

It went on like this. Arathiel would flee the silence of his room, whenever deemed appropriate and sometimes also in the middle of the night. He would walk into the living-room and watch a random show. After roughly half an hour Sam usually came by and switched the program to an also very randomly chosen documentary. After a few minutes he would start to ask questions about the credibility of what was told and Arathiel could always tell him something new. 

Sometimes Arathiel would start to talk of his own accord because it was just hideous what they told on TV. 

Sam pretended to take notes but after a few times he stopped and just listened to what Arathiel had to say. Arathiel knew that he was just trying to distract him so he wouldn’t stare at his grace without pause and he had to admit that it helped. He sometimes even forgot the vial in his room.


	30. Chapter 30

He couldn’t believe it but somehow Arathiel got used to life as a human. 

It came slow but steady. He left his room not only to watch TV but also to help with research. And he started to help organize the place. 

His grace was usually left in his room but he checked it frequently, though there were no significant changes. 

After the first week Dean also decided that it was time for him to eat some real food. He stormed into the storage room, nearly running Sam over. 

“Ara”, he called and looked around. Arathiel came up behind some boxes and immediately a frown formed on Dean’s face. “You’re supposed to rest, not move boxes around. Your wound could still open, you know.” He shot an accusing look at Sam who held up his hands in defense. 

But before he could say anything Arathiel interjected. “I’m not moving the boxes around. I am careful. And what do you mean by ‘Ara’?” 

“It’s a shortened version of your name”, Castiel called from the back of the room. 

“Yes, I know that”, Arathiel said. 

“Your name is just so long”, Dean explained. “And I figured since you’re going to stay with us you need a nickname.” 

Arathiel looked up again, surprised. “What do you mean, since I’m staying here?” 

The brothers looked at him, obviously confused. “I thought it was clear that you’re very welcome to stay here.” 

“Until my grace wins or loses”, Arathiel clarified what Sam stated. 

“No. If your grace wins we would be happy if you stayed or dropped by on a regular basis. And if your grace loses and you stay human you’re going to stay here as long as you want or need to.” 

Arathiel was overwhelmed. He had wondered when they would throw him out but he had never expected this outcome. “Why?”, was all he managed to say, overwhelmed with feelings. 

“Because you saved us. All of us. You kept Cas save even though we doubted you. From the very beginning you went against your orders and we still don’t really know why you did that for us and then you saved Sammy, repeatedly, and you lost your grace because of that and we owe you big time and we are so damn grateful for everything you did…. This makes you family, now, and as family you can stay as long as you want.” 

Arathiel’s head spun a little bit with everything that was just but he managed to bring out a heartfelt “Thank you.” 

“Okay, since that is cleared up what I originally came for: how do you like your burgers?” 

After that Arathiel became a real eater. There were very few things that he didn’t like but he had plenty of favorite dishes. He ate so much that Dean was adamant that Arathiel would do the shopping. He was either accompanied by Castiel or Sam, since he still wasn’t allowed to carry heavy things, and he really liked the trips outside. 

The wind and the sun felt different now that he wasn’t an angel anymore, and the fact that he could actually get cold was fascinating to him. 

He had convinced Dean that every third dinner or so were burgers because there were just so many ways to made them. When Dean finally gave in to that he muttered something like “Freaking ex-angels.” 

Life went on like this for a few weeks. His wound healed very nicely and Arathiel gradually came to like his life. 

The only uncertainty was the vial. There was still no change and it made him insane not to know how his life would go on. Arathiel considered to crash his vial, not to kill himself but to finally get it over with. 

The problem was that no matter where he would crash the vial his grace would find him and then they were right back at the dying part. Which was not an option for Arathiel anymore. 

He liked eating with the three of them, he liked training with Dean and Castiel and he liked organizing the archives with Sam. 

So he put the vial out of his sight, since that was the best he could do. He knew that Sam checked on it regularly but he didn’t mind. 

After these first few very normal weeks the mood in the bunker began to change. 

Castiel got very quiet, Dean got more irritated, sometimes even angry and Sam began to worry. 

Arathiel mostly tried to stay out of it since he didn’t yet knew what his place was. 

Dean and Cas stopped talking to each other for two days and then they fought repeatedly. 

Arathiel could never make out about what exactly they were fighting because he tried to stay out of their way and Sam handled it the same way. 

They were sitting in the living-room when they heard the two shout at each other again. 

Sam sighed. “And here I hoped they could be happy for a few months.” 

Arathiel turned to Sam. “How long have they been together?” He still had problems to grasp the concept of feelings and when something is appropriate or not and he had no clue if that was okay to ask. 

But Sam didn’t seem to mind. “Since the Gamiel thing, I think. Maybe a little longer.” 

Arathiel nodded and turned back to the TV but Sam cleared his throat. “Can I ask something?” 

“Of course.” He turned back to Sam when he said nothing more and it seemed like he struggled with the words.

“Ok, it’s not like I want you to rob you of your angel secrets or anything and if you don’t want to tell you don’t have to, it’s just…” 

“Just ask, Sam. I will answer.” It was not like there were any secrets left that he could remember. 

“What does heaven think about their relationship?” Arathiel took a minute to consider his answer and it seemed like Sam got impatient because he rushed right on. “I mean there are nephilim, right? So there had to be relationships before.” 

“There were. Usually the nephilim are killed, though.” 

Sam looked shocked. “They’re not gonna kill Dean and Cas, are they?” 

“What? Of course not. It’s not like that. Nephilim are born with powers. Very great powers. And usually the human part fights the angelic part and they go insane or evil. Sometimes the powers are too great and burst out at random times. Nephilim are a great threat to humanity and the host. That’s the reason they are killed.” 

“So relationships are tolerated?” 

“Not….tolerated. They are endured for the time they last. And they usually don’t last long.” 

“You’re telling me they are going to break up?” 

“I didn’t say that. Would you just let me finish?” 

“Sorry, sorry.” 

“Angels are immortal. They have seen everything in every time and it’s not like many of them have a heart. They just don’t really care about humanity. When something like a ‘relationship’ happens, it’s because of the soul of the person. Angels don’t see the vessel, so to speak, they just see the soul. Usually the soul lingers under the surface, it’s not really distracting, but sometimes there are persons with bright souls.” 

“Like the righteous man.” 

“Exactly. But not only. Sometimes regular people have bright souls. They overpower everything, until not even the features of the person can be seen. Angels are drawn to those souls. But it’s nothing personal. It’s just a fling that lasts exactly long enough for the angel to get bored with the human. This can be weeks but sometimes also years. Still for the angel it’s nothing. They get bored, they move on.”

“Wait, wait. They overpower the features? Like, you can’t see the face?” Arathiel nodded. “So for the last four years Cas was not able to see Dean’s face?” 

“I believe not.” 

“Geez”, Sam muttered. 

“Yes. Something like Castiel and Dean….it’s rare. Usually the angel takes action much earlier. I’ve never heard of an angel who waited that long. And that he sticks around even after he cannot see the soul anymore is unheard of, for different reasons. It’s extraordinaire.” 

“Are you telling me they’re breaking up because Cas can’t see Dean’s soul anymore?” 

Arathiel sighed. Sam was way to fixed on them braking up. “I don’t think that that is what is happening here. Castiel had enough time to adjust to Dean’s form. If Castiel really waited that long to make his intentions clear then I believe he has found his heart.” 

“So what you’re saying is that Cas loves Dean.” 

“I believe so.” 

“You don’t seem to mind”, Sam said carefully. 

“No, I don’t. I think more angels need to find their hearts. It would do them good.” He hesitated. “However, not everyone shares my believes.” 

“Yeah, I can imagine.” 

Again, Sam seemed troubled. “Don’t worry, no one is going to hurt him. Not after God gave him a soul.” 

“That’s not was I was thinking. But good to know.” 

“What were you thinking, then?” 

“I don’t mean to pry but you do realize that you excluded yourself from the angels this past hour?” Arathiel went through everything he had said and realized it was true. He shrugged. 

“So human life isn’t as bad as it seemed, huh?” 

“I guess not. There are many things I still miss but there are also a lot of things that are new and more intense. I like those things.” 

“That is good. I was worried in the first weeks.” 

So Sam had also noticed. Or Castiel had told him. But that would explain why he spent so much time watching documentaries with him. Arathiel gave him a little smile. “No need to. I’m fine now.” 

Sam nodded. “Yeah, I can see that. So back to the nephilim. Does it matter who the angel is? I mean if he is the father or the mother?” 

Arathiel shook his head. “As long as there is an angel involved the offspring will be nephilim.” 

“Are the powers different?” 

“Some angels do have special abilities and I guess they would be passed on but usually it’s always the same.” 

Sam seemed to think about that but before he could say anything else a door was slammed shut and Dean stormed into the room, closely followed by Castiel. 

“Whatever he is going to say, don’t listen!”, he said angrily to Arathiel. 

“What?”, Sam asked and then Castiel stepped forward. 

“You can use my grace to heal yours.”


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so the sex is finally happening^^ I hope you enjoy

“This is not happening”, Dean said angrily and turned around. Cas sighed. This was not the first time Dean had said that in the last couple of days. Cas wanted to say something to Dean but he wheeled around. “You will not do that!” 

“Okay, wait, what is happening here?”, Sam asked. He looked forth between Arathiel and Cas, but since neither of them elaborated, he turned to Dean, a questioning look on his face. 

Cas interjected before Dean could get riled up again. “Arathiel can use my grace to heal his.” 

“Wait, am I missing a part? Because I thought that your soul and your grace were merged. How would that work?” 

“It wouldn’t”, Dean yelled at his brother. “It would kill him!” 

“We don’t know that”, Cas said calmly. They also had this conversation a couple of times. 

“But we can’t rule it out. So it’s not happening.” He turned to Arathiel. “No offense, Ara.” 

“Non taken”, he said with a shrug. “And it’s not like I would take him on his offer.” Now everyone looked at Arathiel. Cas hadn’t expected this. “What do you mean by that?”, he asked him. “I’m not desperate anymore. Or suicidal for that matter. I can live as a human. It’s no problem. And I will not risk your life on a ‘maybe’.” 

Dean turned to Cas, smiling triumphantly. “See, I told you he wouldn’t say yes.” Cas rolled his eyes. Dean hadn’t been so confident an hour ago. 

“It’s not a maybe. The procedure would work.” He was prepared to fight for this. In fact, he had fought for this the last couple of days. He had promised himself that he would do good to atone for his sins. And ever since he realized that maybe his grace could do the trick he hadn’t been able to shake it off. 

It was the perfect solution. Maybe Arathiel was happy at this moment but it wouldn’t last. There were some angels that were compatible with human life, like he himself, but Arathiel sure as hell was not one of them, that much was obvious. 

And besides, it was not like Cas really needed his grace. He couldn’t do much with it. Teleportation, yes, and it did come in handy sometimes but that really was it. His other powers came only with rage or fear and so it was no use in daily life. And since Naomi called off all her angels and Crowley hadn’t shown his ugly demonic face since the night he shot Arathiel, Cas figured that there was no real need for his powers. And in the long run it would be better to have a full angel on their side. 

“The procedure might. But the part where we cut your grace out? That can kill you. It most likely will.” To be honest Cas had hoped for a little more help from Arathiel. 

“Not if you’re careful”, he said. 

“Blood loss, Cas, blood loss”, Dean murmured from behind him. 

“I would do it?”, Arathiel asked surprised. 

“Yes, of course. And for the blood loss, Dean”, he said and turned around, “Arathiel will be an angel once again. He can heal me.” Dean didn’t say anything to that but Cas could almost feel his anger.

“This doesn’t sound like a plan. Many things can go wrong”, Sam said. 

“I don’t understand”, Cas said. “This is a good plan. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t go along with it?” 

“It is a very generous offer”, Arathiel said to him, “But there are too many risks. It‘s not worth your life. My grace is not getting weaker, so there is no real reason to make such a rash decision. There could still be another way.” 

“His grace could still win”, Sam added. “I don’t think we should talk about cutting your grace out, just yet.” 

“Fine”, Cas said after a long moment. “But my offer still stands.” 

“And I thank you for that.” 

Cas nodded and went back to their bedroom. So all this fighting in the last week was for nothing. He heard Dean come in behind him. “You can stop smiling right now.” 

“I’m not smiling”, Dean said happily. Cas turned around. “No, no, I can see that now. You’re grinning.” “Yes, I am.” 

“But you haven’t won yet. If his grace changes or something happens….then we’ll do it.” 

Dean’s grin faltered. “I don’t understand why you’re so adamant on killing yourself.” Cas sighed again. “Dean, we’ve been over this so many times.” 

“And we’ll go over this as long as it takes you to understand.” 

“I understand, Dean. But you also have to understand.” 

“What? That you have this stupid death wish? That you think you have to make everything right?” 

“I don’t have a death wish!”, Cas said as Dean walked over to the bed. He sat with a sigh and put his head in his hands. 

“Then what is it? Is this not….” He said and stopped himself. “You know that this will kill you”, he said instead. “Your grace and soul are merged and even if Arathiel succeeds in cutting them apart your soul will be damaged.” 

Cas walked over to Dean. He carefully lifted his head until their eyes met. “It won’t.” 

Dean sighed heavily. “Why can’t we just… why can’t you just be happy with this?”, Dean murmured. “But I am”, Cas said astonished that Dean would think he wasn’t “How can you even think I’m not? But it will work. My father…” 

“God” , Dean interrupted him, “said one lifetime as human. I don’t think he will interfere.” He looked at Cas. “One lifetime. This is your only shot. And I want it to be the very best life a human ever had. So of this is your way of telling me that”, he swallowed hard, “you want to leave, to leave me, just say it.” 

It took Cas a second to comprehend what Dean said. When he finally did he felt how his blood rushed out of his head. “Why would you think that? Have I not made it clear that I love you?” 

“I just don’t know”, Dean said and got up. “It’s just that you always leave”, he said while pacing through the room. “Even when you say you will stay something happens and you leave again. And now it’s your own suggestion!” he turned to Cas. “Sometimes I just think that this is not meant to be.” 

“Dean!” Cas walked over to him, blocking his way and stopping him. “God gave me a soul so I can live with you.” 

“But is that really what you want? I know that I’m not easy and I know we had our fights and I would understand if this is not what you want. There is so much more outside.” He hesitated a second. “Maybe Daphne is still waiting for you.” 

“Ok, first of all”, Cas said firmly, “I’m grateful to Daphne because she took me in when I couldn’t remember anything but other than that she means nothing to me.” He could see relief in Dean’s eyes. “And second, this here is everything I want and everything I could ever want. There’s nothing and no one out there that could make me feel as happy and safe as this here. As you make me feel.” 

He closed the gap between them and took Dean’s face in his hands. “I’ve never felt more alive than with you.” Cas felt how Dean relaxed against him. 

“It’s just…I’m not used to have something for myself. To have something I actually want”, Dean murmured. 

“I know. Me neither. But this is ours and it’s good. Don’t ever doubt that.” His voice had a pleading tone and Dean hold him close. “Okay.” 

He felt Dean shaking and only then did it dawn to him what this all really meant to him. How afraid he was that he would lose Cas again. And Cas felt bad. He knew that Dean had commitment problems and that he never felt like he deserved anything but he really hadn’t considered his feelings. He was so focused on fixing Arathiel that he didn’t realize it might break Dean. 

“Shh, it’s okay”, he mumbled into Dean’s neck. “I won’t leave. And we won’t do it until Arathiel is really dying, okay? Let’s not speak of it again.” 

He felt Dean nod but the shaking didn’t stop. He pushed Dean away so he could look him in the eye. 

“I love you. I’m not going to leave you. You have do believe me.” 

“I do, I do.” 

But Cas could tell that he didn’t, there was still doubt in his eyes. 

And Cas couldn’t bare to see that for another second so he kissed him. Dean responded instantly, clutching to Cas. 

He could almost taste the desperation. And the need. It was like Dean needed this physical confirmation, the contact, to believe that Cas was indeed there and he was not willing to deny Dean that. 

He deepened the kiss and it became sloppy and wet as their tongues moved against each other. Dean stumbled backwards and dragged Cas with him until the back of his knees hit the bed. He broke the kiss and stared at Cas, panting heavily. It was almost as if he was asking for permission. 

They had slept together, sure, but they had never slept with each other. But this time there was no need to hold back. They’ve waited long enough. 

So instead of an answer he kissed Dean again and started to unbutton his shirt. He shoved it down Dean’s arms, trading his fingers over bare skin. When it finally landed on the ground Cas took a second to appreciate the sight before him. It was one of those rare days when Dean didn’t wear a t-shirt underneath so there was nothing that could block Cas view now. 

It seemed like he stared a little too long because Dean made a little noise and extended his hand to unbutton Cas’ shirt. Cas caught the hand before it even touched a button and he put the other hand on Dean’s chest to lay him down. 

Dean obeyed, not moving a muscle to stop Cas and he was surprised by that. Dean was always a very demanding person. He hadn’t expected it to be different in the bedroom but maybe this was also something he needed right now. When Dean finally lay flat on his back Cas straddled his legs and looked down on him. 

He was beautiful. 

Smooth skin and firm muscle underneath, with a little tummy that showed that he finally settled down. Cas loved everything. Underneath him Dean began to squirm, hands reaching again for his shirt and this time he let him. 

While Dean undid his buttons he leaned down. “You’re beautiful and I love you”, he whispered hoarsely before he kissed along his jaw. “How could I ever really leave you?”, he said and then Dean’s mouth was on his again while he stripped out of his shirt. 

Dean’s hands roamed freely over his chest and there was an urgency to it Cas hadn’t expected. He himself moved his hands down Dean’s torso until he reached the hem of his jeans. He could feel Dean’s cock rub against his trough the fabric and he hurried to open the belt. He fumbled a bit because his hands were slightly shaking but he managed. 

When he had also opened the jeans Dean lifted his hips so that Cas could pull it down and he did, taking his underpants right with it. Dean’s cock was fully erected and he felt himself get a little bit harder just by looking at it. 

Cas moved his hands down his sides and over his thigh’s just admiring what was splayed out before him. Dean made a sound that sounded suspiciously like a whine and then his hands were on Cas jeans. “Take it off”, he breathed and Cas was happy to oblige. 

When they were both naked they took a second to appreciate each other before Dean pulled Cas down into another kiss. Cas used one hand to smear the precome over Dean’s cock and he swallowed the moan he made at that. The other hand searched for the tube of lube Cas knew Dean had in the nightstand. After a few seconds of fondling he finally found it. 

He continued to stroke Dean who arched up into his touch, eyes wide, like he couldn’t believe this was happening. Cas kissed him tenderly, while his hand traveled town to Dean’s entrance and he rubbed over it a few times. Dean gasped and Cas opened the lube to coat his fingers with it. 

When he was done he looked at Dean, now it was his turn to ask for permission. Dean’s eyes were clouded with lust as he nodded. Slowly Cas began to sink one finger into Dean. Dean’s back arched up and he started to move against Cas’ finger. He pumped in and out a few times to give Dean time to adjust before he curled his finger up and hit his prostate. 

Dean moaned and motioned for Cas to do that again. Cas did a few more times before he inserted the second finger. He could feel how Dean loosened up around him. He worked him further open until he was able to slide in the third finger and he moaned at that feeling. 

Dean had his eyes closed, fully enjoying what Cas did to him and it made Cas heart ache. There was so much trust in that gesture. He leaned down again to kiss Dean while his fingers repeatedly hit the prostate until Dean shoved him away. “Don’t”, he panted, “I’m close.” 

Cas pulled his fingers out and coated his cock in lube. Then he positioned it right at Dean’s entrance. He kissed Dean while he moved slowly forward and he gasped at how tight Dean still was. Dean’s hips jerked up and suddenly Cas was fully sheathed in him. They both stilled and breathed heavily until Dean urged him to move. 

Cas started slow but he soon lost himself in the rhythm and his movements became faster. He could tell whenever he hit the prostate because Dean’s breath hitched every time. He threw his arms around Cas to pull him down into a kiss and Cas could feel the slick friction of Dean’s cock between their stomachs. 

He needed another three or four thrusts and then Dean clung to him as he came, spurting come all over their chests. Cas could feel how Dean’s muscle tightened around him and that send him also over the cliff. He stilled when he felt his orgasm take over and Dean stroke his sides. 

After he came down again he let himself fall heavily on top off Dean who didn’t seem to mind. One hand continued to stroke his side and the other moved up to play with the hair at his nape. He felt how Dean kissed his hairline. “Let’s do that again soon, okay?” Cas smiled. “Definitely”, he said and turned his head to get another kiss. 

 

When Cas woke the next morning he felt lazy and spent and happy. He felt Dean’s arm across his waist and rolled over to snuggle into his chest. Dean chuckled. “Good morning.” Cas made an incoherent sound not yet ready to fully wake. Dean chuckled again and pulled him closer. 

Cas really hoped Dean would make that noise more often because he liked how it vibrated right through him. 

They lay like this until Cas stomach started to grumble. “How about I make us some breakfast?” Cas really liked that idea but there was one thing Dean had to do first. “How about you shower first?” Dean looked down and actually blushed a bit. “Maybe that’s not a bad idea. I’ll be real quick and when you’re done breakfast will be ready, okay?” Cas nodded and Dean kissed him before he hurried into the bathroom. 

Cas shivered momentarily at the loss of Dean’s warmth but then he curled up and dozed for a few minutes until he heard Dean come in again to get his clothes. He uncurled himself and moved slowly out of the bed, coaxing another kiss and a laugh out of Dean before he made his way to the shower. 

When he was done he could smell eggs and bacon and his stomach grumbled again. He hurried with his clothes and was still buttoning his shirt as he made his way to the kitchen. 

As he passed the living-room Sam called for him. He entered the room only to find Sam with a very serious face on the couch. 

“What is wrong?”, he asked cautiously. He heard Dean whistle in the kitchen and hoped that this wouldn’t damage his mood. “We need to talk.” 

Cas sat down on the couch, suddenly not feeling as comfortable a s a minute ago. “Okay?” 

“Ara told me about the Nephilim.” Cas thought about that for a second and couldn’t make a connection to that. “And?” 

“He told me that their soul and their grace battle against each other and that they go insane over this.” Still, no understanding on Cas part. “Yeah?” 

“Is that what’s happening to you? I s that the reason you want to cut out your grace?” It finally made sense and Cas smiled, relieved that nothing bad had happened. “No, that’s not what’s happening. My soul and grace are merged, they are not fighting against each other.” 

Sam sighed relieved. “I admit that I was worried about that too, though”, Cas said and smiled. “But it’s not happening. I just offered this because I thought I would help Arathiel.” 

Sam smiled at him. “He won’t need your grace. He is fine.” Cas decided to say nothing to that and just nodded. They sat a moment in silence until Cas stomach grumble again. “If you’ll excuse me, I have to eat something.” Sam smiled again and Cas finally made it into the kitchen where Dean waited with a big smile and an even bigger breakfast. 

It went like that the whole day. Dean would smile, Cas was happy and content and it seemed like they were constantly touching. Sam seemed confused until he obviously caught up to what happened and then he very pointedly avoided eyes contact for an hour or so. 

 

In the evening they had all settled down in the living-room for a Star Wars marathon because Dean had declared that he would not continue to live under a roof with people who were uncultured. 

They were half way into the first movie when an anged suddenly appeared. They all sprang into action, ready to defend themselves but the angel just smiled at them. 

Cas noticed something shining in his hands but before he could make out what it was the angel sneered “Crowley sends his regards”, and with that he crushed the shining thing on the ground. 

When something blue rose from the shards Cas finally recognized it. It was Arathiels’s grace. That angel had crushed the vial and now the grace would go back into its former body. 

Cas stomach dropped and his blood went ice cold. He knew Arathiel wouldn’t survive this. He also knew that now Dean would be the one to cut his grace out. 

He tore his eyes away from the grace that was moving towards Arathiel to look at Dean and he could see that he also knew what this meant. Cas mouthed “I’m sorry”, and Dean just grabbed his hand. 

Arathiel screamed as he regained his grace and then he fell to the floor, not strong enough to keep himself upright. Sam moved to his side but he was already unconscious. 

“We have to hurry”, Cas said breathless and looked at Dean. “We have to do this”, Dean closed his eyes in pain and then he nodded. Cas wheeled to Sam. “Get him to the infirmary. I’ll get the blade.” 

He moved past Dean to go to their room but Dean stopped him. He pressed a hard kiss to his moth and said: “You will survive this. We get to keep what we want.” Cas nodded and stroke Dean’s face and then he ran to get his angel blade. They would need it. 

When he came to the infirmary Arathiel was draped over a table and Dean was preparing a scalpel. Cas gave the blade to him. “You have to cut open my chest. You will see a light and a shimmer. You have to cut those two apart. You will give the light to him”, Cas spoke with urgency. There was no time to lose. 

Dean nodded once and prepared the sedation. “They will have slightly different colours so you can’t miss. This will work.” He stripped off his shirt and lay down on the table. 

Dean gave him the sedative and Cas started to drift of. He pressed Dean’s hand one last time before he went limb. He was not really conscious but he noticed what Dean did nevertheless. He felt how he cut through his flesh but it didn’t hurt. He saw the light that came out of his chest and he saw how Dean approached with the blade. 

He positioned it after a long look at the light and then he started to cut. Cas began to scream.


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My dear readers. It's done, this is the last chapter. I did it. Sometimes I thought I couldn't because there were so many stupid story twists and I didn't know what to do with them but now I've found an end. Thanks for reading this story!
> 
> And now I hope you enjoy this chapter and please let me know what you think^^

Dean didn’t understand how it came to this. They’ve only decided yesterday that Cas wouldn’t sacrifice his life. Not 30 minutes ago they had been happy.   
After last night Dean could burst with happiness and now his hands were covered in blood.

Coated with the blood from the love of his life. 

He had held it pretty good together until Cas started to scream. Dean had been in awe when he saw the grace and he was mesmerized by the soul. He had felt confident that he would be able to do it, what could go wrong? There was a clear line between the grace and the soul and it should’ve been easy. 

But when Cas started to scream, Dean lost it. His hands started to tremble and his vision went blurry. He stopped the movement and took deliberately deep breaths. “Sam”, he croaked, “Sammy, I need you here.” 

Sam was hovering over Ara, checking for life signs but when he heard Dean he quizzically looked over to him. When he saw how pale Dean’s face was, he rushed to his side. “Dean, you have to hurry.” 

“I can’t. I can’t do this to him. I can’t cause him pain.” 

“Dean you have to. You can’t just stop.” Dean held the blade towards Sam. “You have to do it.” But Sam shook his head and pushed his hand back. “Cas wanted you to do it. He trusts you.” 

“I can’t. Did you just hear him? God, I can’t.” “Yes you can. And you have to hurry. Ara’s dying and Cas is quickly losing blood. You have to do it now.” 

Dean knew that his brother was right but he could barely keep his hands still. Cas hadn’t mentioned this. He never mentioned that this would cause him so much pain. And Dean didn’t knew if he could stomach it. 

Sam was still talking to him but he couldn’t make out any of the words. All he could see was the blood that ran down Cas’ side and dripped to the ground. There was already a little puddle. 

And it was red, so very red. Just like his hands. 

He couldn’t do anything besides watching and waiting for the next drop to fall. And the next. And the next. The puddle was growing constantly, but he couldn’t move. 

He felt that Sam shook him, maybe even hit him, but he didn’t really notice. All he could think of was that this wasn’t meant to happen. None of this. Cas wasn’t supposed to fall. He shouldn’t have to suffer just because he met Dean and Sam. 

If Dean had a choice he would tuck Cas away somewhere really safe, so that no one could ever hurt him again. But he couldn’t because right now Cas was bleeding out from a wound Dean himself inflicted. And Dean didn’t know if he could live with himself if this went wrong. And it would go wrong he knew it. 

This was his punishment because he had felt so blessed last night. And now Cas had to suffer for this because he had believed he could have him and be happy. 

And another drop felt to the floor. 

He distantly realized that Sam tried to pry the blade from his hand but he couldn’t open it. He couldn’t let Sam do this. If this went horribly wrong and Cas died tonight under Sam’s hands he would forever blame his brother and that couldn’t happen. 

He finally snapped out of it because Cas moaned. He was not dead yet. He would only die if Dean remained inactive. Cas could survive this but only if Dean got his shit together and finally finished what he started. 

He shoved Sam out of the way and leaned back over Cas. Sam sighed relieved and went back to look after Ara whose breathing was alarmingly shallow. 

Dean regained his focus on the light in Cas chest and found the thin line again. He positioned the blade a second time and this time he braced himself for Cas’ screaming. Sure enough he started as soon as Dean applied pressure and it sickened him to hear Cas make those noises but this time Dean didn’t stop. 

He couldn’t because he needed this to be over and he needed Cas healthy and alive. So he just kept on cutting until he finally separated the soul from the grace. “Okay, it’s done”, he said and turned to Sam. “What now?” 

“I think we take the grace and give it to Ara.” 

Dean nodded and extended his hands. They were shaking again. What if he waited too long? What if Cas’ grace wasn’t enough to heal Ara? Then they would both die. What if he damaged Cas’ soul? What if he lost too much blood? What if Ara couldn’t heal him? There were so many ‘what if’s’ that Dean’s head spun. He tried not to think about it but they stayed in the back of his head. 

He focused to steady his hands as he reached for the grace but it didn’t really work. Especially not when he thought about the fact that he technically held Cas in his hands. And that he was about to give him to another. And that was such a stupid thought that it immediately sobered Dean. This wasn’t Cas. Not anymore. The soul was Cas now and if he could believe him, he would always belong to Dean. 

So it was not a problem to give the grace to Ara. He laid the little but very bright light on Ara’s chest and it immediately sunk into him. Ara gasped and then his whole body lit up. The light dimmed again after a few seconds but other than that nothing happened and Dean got a bit dizzy. 

Sam checked for live signs again but he shook his head. So Ara didn’t make it. That meant he had to save Cas. Dean took some bandages and a needle with thread to stitch him back up but before he reached Cas Ara sat up. He placed the bullet next to him and looked at Dean. “Cas’ grace saved my life.” 

“That is great and everything but could you please move your ass over here to heal him?” Ara smiled a bit and came over to Cas. He gently laid two fingers on his forehead and the wound closed instantly. “He will not wake just yet. But don’t worry, he will survive.” 

That took some weight from Dean’s shoulders but it didn’t really reassure him that Cas was fine. 

“So his grace really did it, yeah?”, Sam asked and Ara turned to him. “Yes. I am a full angel once again.” Well at last that had worked out alright. 

Dean looked at Cas and laid his hand on his cheek. He felt warm to the touch. Maybe he was just sleeping. After all there was still the sedative in him. “We should move him to your room. He can rest there.” 

“Yeah. You go and open the doors”, Dean answered and made clear that he would be the one who carried Cas. He swooped him up bridal style and carefully navigated to their room. He gently laid him down and moved the cover over him. Then he sat next to the bed. 

“You want something to eat?”, Sam asked. 

“No”, Dean dismissively said and then it dawned to him that Sam also worried. “Thanks”, he said gentler, “but not right now. Later okay?” Sam nodded and then hovered around a bit longer. “You can wait here, too, if you want.” 

Sam smiled gratefully and sat down on a chair. “He will wakeup Dean. It’s just the sedative.” “Yeah, maybe. We’ll see.” 

 

Five hours later Cas was still unconscious. 

Dean hadn’t moved an inch and except for the fact that Sam got a book to read he hadn’t either. So they were both startled when someone knocked on the door. Dean sprang into action immediately, ready to defend Cas from whatever came through that door but it was only Ara. 

“I brought you food. I thought you would be hungry by now”, he said and showed them a bag with burgers. Dean was pretty sure he couldn’t eat anything but he appreciated the thought. Ara placed the burgers next to Sam. “Shall I check on him again?”, he asked Dean. “Yes, please.” 

Ara came to the bed and laid his hand on Cas forehead. “His soul is mending. He should wake soon.” 

“His soul is mending? Did I hurt it?” 

“Well, yes, of course you did.” Dean had to sit down again. “You cut something off that was merged. The soul needs to close that hole. But it’s fine.” Dean really wanted to punch Ara for giving him such a scare. “So he’ll heal? And there will be no permanent damage?” Ara looked at him. “I believe so. But the soul is a very delicate thing. We have to wait until he wakes up. Only then will we know for sure.” 

And again this was not really what he wanted to hear. “No offense, Ara, but why don’t you shut the fuck up?” 

“I apologize. I thought you wanted to hear the truth.” 

“I did. I just didn’t want it to be so blunt”, Dean said, tired from being afraid and scared. “There’s no way to euphemize it.” “I know. It’s just…sorry. I know you meant nothing by it.” 

Sam interrupted before either of them could go on . “What are you going to do, Ara? Are you going back to heaven?” He shook his head. “I don’t think so. They abandoned me when my need was dire and I feel no wish to reconcile with them.” Sam seemed to agree with that and Dean couldn’t argue with that either. 

“So what are you gonna do?” Ara shrugged. “Stay here, I believe. If you allow it, of course. Help people. I don’t know yet.” Sam stood up. “Of course you can stay here. That’s not a question.” 

“Yeah”, Dean added. “We owe you big time.” “No you don’t”, Ara denied. “You saved my life. And not only this, you saved my existence and you risked Castiels’ life for it and I will forever be grateful and help you wherever I can.” “You don’t have to. You really don’t, but thanks anyway.” 

Ara nodded at Dean and then he turned to Sam. “I thought that maybe we should add some angel sigils. We could, maybe, exclude my name from them. I read some interesting literature about that.” “And if not?”, Sam said and was already walking towards the door. “Then I will knock on your front door in the future.” Dean heard Sam laugh until they were too far down the corridor and he was alone with Cas. 

He turned back to the bed and took Cas appearance in. He looked peacefully, really, like he was just sleeping but he hadn’t moved a muscle since Ara healed him. And Dean didn’t believe it was because of the sedative. That should’ve long worn off. 

He tried not to worry too much but it didn’t really work. He knew that he only way to know for sure how Cas was, was to wait until he woke up. But then thousand ideas of what could’ve gone wrong rushed through his head, one worse than the other. 

He busied himself with rummaging through his things, organizing everything in a different way, only to change everything back but he always kept an eye on Cas. 

So of course he saw when Cas moved. He just turned his head a bit but Dean noticed. He rushed over to the bed, taking Cas’ hand in his and he felt how Cas tightened the grip. Only a second of pressure but he felt it. Cas rolled over to the side and curled up, not letting go of Dean’s hand he held it close to his chest. 

Dean carefully sat on the edge of the bed and now Cas looked a lot more like a man who was just asleep and it eased Dean to see that. 

An hour or so later Sam came in to check on them. “How is he?” “Don‘t know, yet. But he moved and I think he is really sleeping now.” “Good.” Sam’s gaze fell on the untouched burgers. “Dean, you have to eat something. It’s no use if you pass out on us.” 

Dean technically knew that Sam was right but he really wasn’t hungry. But he couldn’t escape from his brother’s gaze, so he finally gave in. “Fine. Pass me one.” Sam strode over to him and only looked satisfied when Dean took his first bite. “We set up all the angel sigils and it looks like we could exclude Ara from them, so now we should really be safe.” “That’s great. Ara did a lot for us.” “Yes, he did”, Sam agreed. 

They didn’t speak again after that but Sam also didn’t leave until Dean ate the whole burger. After Dean chewed on the last bite he went back to do whatever it was that he did with his free time and Dean was once again left alone with Cas. 

He didn’t stir another time and after a few more hours Dean carefully laid down next to Cas and fell asleep. 

He woke up because someone was nudging him. When he opened his eyes he stared into blue ones. 

“Hey,” Cas said softly. 

“Hey”, Dean answered, voice thick. 

“You did it”, Cas smiled and nudged him fondly. “Looks like.” Dean sat up a bit to get a better look at Cas. “How are you feeling?” Cas shrugged. “Fine, I guess. Tired and a bit raw. And empty.” 

Dean tightened his hold around Cas. “God, I’m so sorry.” Cas placed a hand on his cheek. “Don’t be. You did good.” 

“I hurt you. God you screamed and I….I wasn’t sure I could do it.” 

“I know. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” 

“You knew this would happen?” He couldn’t’ believe Cas. “Why didn’t you tell me?” 

“Because you would’ve refused to do it. I’m sorry but I needed you to do it. I never wanted Ara to cut the grace out.” 

“You lied to me”, Dean said accusingly. 

“When people really, really, want something, they lie”, Cas said and smiled again. “You taught me that.” 

Dean remembered when he had told Cas that. It was so many years ago. “I didn’t think you would ever learn that.” He buried his face in Cas neck. “Are you really okay?”, he asked into Cas’ skin. 

“Yes, Dean. I’m good. And fully human now. Everything went well.” He stopped shortly “It did right? Arathiel did not die?” 

Dean moved his head to look at Cas again. “He is okay. Full angel again.” 

Cas smiled. “I told you it would work.” 

“Yes, yes you did.” He moved in to kiss Cas who responded eagerly. “I told you, you’d get to keep me”, Cas breathed when they finally separated. “And I will not go anywhere. I will stay right here.” 

Dean smiled lasciviously. “Yeah, you better do.”

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own anything.  
> Come back again was supposed to be a one shot but it kept haunting me, so here you go.


End file.
